Author Topic: A boyfriend is not a husband  (Read 3697 times)

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
A boyfriend is not a husband
« on: June 24, 2015, 09:43:39 PM »
It's nice to have a boyfriend, someone who wants to hear about my day, someone who makes me laugh and feel alive, someone who cares when I am hurting, someone to share a meal with, to dream about the future with, someone who I want to do nice things for and spend time with.

But...

He's not a husband.  He is not the father of my children and can not help me make decisions about them.  He does not own the house I am trying to sell so he can not help me make any tough decisions.  He is not buying the house I'm buying and can't collaborate on all of the big decisions there either.  He doesn't fall asleep next to me at night, whispering about hopes and plans and dreams or calming my fears.  He won't understand my fears that son #1 has Crohn's disease like DH and and son #2 because he wasn't with me when the other 2 were diagnosed.


Sure, boyfriend could become a husband some day but he doesn't have 25 years of shared history with me, he will never be the father of my children, some things will always be seperate.

A long ramble after a stressful few days and a lonely night.

You will forever be my always.

Sugarbell

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2015, 09:59:58 PM »
((((hugs)))) I get it.

It's complicated I know.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2015, 09:31:34 AM »
Yes...I know this well. Sorry...it sucks sometimes trying to adjust to this "new normal". I too miss the full husband/father support.

While I also appreciate having a boyfriend, and there are some fun parts of being single again, it is not even close to being the same as being married to the father of my son. And in your case, you have soooo much going on and I applaud you for all that you are dealing with on your own.

People (friends, acquaintances) love to get an update on my private life - I think people want to see us happy again with someone. For a long while, I felt "just ok" with my current dating situation...something was missing for me, sometimes it still is. So then "everyone" chimes in that if I am not 100% happy, I should move on from New Guy. But the one thing I realized is that a part of me really just missed married life and dating someone is just not the same. I also realised that I couldnt expect New Guy to replace that kind of husband support/position in my life. Dating someone - i.e. seeing them once a week - makes it very tough I think to form a very close bond, particularly as our busy lives get in the way. Also, you are sooo right - I miss the support of talking through big life/family decisions with someone. Now sometimes I call my mother or mother in law just so I have someone to listen - my husband and I talked through everything. New Guy tries but doesnt get it.

I am grateful for what I have but it is soooo not the same. And the adjustment is tough. Sigh.

Sugarbell

  • Member
  • Posts: 763
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2015, 09:46:41 AM »
I think I am actually one that prefers being the girlfriend to the wife. I like being in an exclusive relationship...but don't want a husband yet.

The way I have found peace with it-is to embrace the here and now. I don't think in terms of marriage until my kids are older. It's been just me with them for 8 years and I have grown to like it that way.

Marriage is work...marriage with 3 school age kids is lots of work. I am not ready for it. And for ME it wouldn't work.
But when they are older...I could definitely be married.

I miss the husband/wife.."our" kids...but I have been parenting twice as long solo as a did as a couple-so that probably has a lot to do with my attitude.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

hachi

  • Member
  • Posts: 221
  • Widowed 7-6-2012 YWBB Joined 6-10-2013 Loc:NH
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #4 on: June 25, 2015, 10:59:25 AM »
I like being in an exclusive relationship...but don't want a husband yet.

Me too. I think this is normal. But most people think it is because new guy "isn't the right guy". I don't think that is it, but I can't articulate it to anyone in a way that makes sense to them. Oh well. As someone so aptly put it - what other people think of me is none of my business.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

Neverthesame

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #5 on: June 25, 2015, 12:26:27 PM »
Sure, boyfriend could become a husband some day but he doesn't have 25 years of shared history with me, he will never be the father of my children, some things will always be seperate.

I know it?s stressful and hard at times, but take things as they come and try to work through them.

I was married 25 years and my wife was married 30. We?ll never share that history together, but we can build a future together. It was tough in the early going; each other?s family trying to get to know us and us trying to get to know the other's family. But now, 2 years later, we?re one family. My kids refer to my wife as their stepmother (by their own choice) and will be the first to tell you that they know that they can depend on her for anything. My wife?s family would say the same of me.

It takes time for a family to build that trust in a new relationship, but it can happen. I truly hope all goes well for you.

Bill

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2015, 02:37:55 PM »
Bill thank you for sharing your positive experience, it's encouraging to hear others have made it work.

I think my little pity party has very little to do with my boyfriend as much as it is that I miss DH and the life we had together.  I'm going through these major changes without him and I want him by my side.  Of course, if he was by my side I wouldn't be making many of these changes.  We were such a good team and I miss that.  BF listens, offers advice and support but in the end the decisions are not ours, they are mine.  The stress is not ours, it's mine. The excitement of a new house is not ours, it's mine.   If son #1 gets the same diagnosis as DH and son #2, he will be sympathetic and supportive but his heart will not be broken the way mine will be. 

CW and Hachi you are both right, it's not about new guy not being the "right guy", no one can ever replace what we lost.  I love him for who he is, how he makes me feel, for what he adds to my life. There are certain things that DH was for me that no one will ever be again.  Accepting that is part of the journey. This week, I'm just resisting accepting it like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum because the party ended.  I know I can have a happy and full life again, with or without BF, but today I want my old life back.
You will forever be my always.

fairlanegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #7 on: June 25, 2015, 05:13:40 PM »
I guess it depends too on how the relationship is conducted - 'boyfriend' is a pretty broad term. I have been seeing someone for over three years now, we knew him before, he stays over about three nights a week including most weekends, so is more like a stepfather - we went to the pub the other night and joked that it was about our sixth 'date' in three years! Just going out with someone or seeing them for a few hours every week or so must be very different. Also my children were younger when we got together, much easier. We will marry eventually, have discussed it, but for the moment there are too many logistical challenges with housing, school etc. plus to be honest, I love him very much but am not quite ready emotionally to marry again yet. Fortunately this is not a culture where a lot of pressure comes on to marry - he has had some very nice but devout Christian friends pestering him about it a bit, but I guess they can only see one logical path, plus they have absolutely no idea what it is like to be widowed. I find I actually quite like having a 'fancy man' who is also good with the kids!

lcoxwell

  • Member
  • Posts: 671
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #8 on: June 25, 2015, 11:29:06 PM »
I can so completely relate to this, today. In the last twenty-four hours, I think I have missed being a wife and having a husband far more than I have in a very, very long time. In fact, I went to bed with tears in my eyes last night, for that very reason. I love New Guy, and we do plan on having a life together, but we just aren't at that point, quite yet.

Sometimes, I just want my husband, who could share my burdens and solve my problems, and who just completely understood everything about me.

* I came back and edited out the whining. Someone should remind me not to post, when medicated.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2015, 03:10:30 PM by lcoxwell »
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

nonesuch

  • Guest
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #9 on: June 26, 2015, 06:43:42 AM »
This will sound kind of cynical, but I've been a wife.  I know what's involved. I'm not sure I want to do it again.  I realize that many had better marriages than I did, and maybe that's why I feel as I do.    I have a friend who has a great relationship with her husband, though.  She said to me she didn't envision ever marrying again if something happened to him. 

hachi

  • Member
  • Posts: 221
  • Widowed 7-6-2012 YWBB Joined 6-10-2013 Loc:NH
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #10 on: June 26, 2015, 07:25:58 AM »

I think my little pity party has very little to do with my boyfriend as much as it is that I miss DH and the life we had together....  I know I can have a happy and full life again, with or without BF, but today I want my old life back.

Yes, this is exactly how I feel sometimes. The days of thinking "I can't live without you" are over. We know we can. It's sort of finding out like Santa isn't real, but New Guy still believes. 
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

IfIonlycould

  • Member
  • Posts: 210
  • Joined YWBB 2008
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #11 on: June 26, 2015, 03:00:15 PM »
Trying-Changing the name of this thread to "MY boyfriend is not MY husband."  I get what you are saying. 
I have been with boyfriend over five years and sometimes I still just want my life back, the one I had with my husband, the one where the ground rules were established, the one with the knowing..... It is just not easy when in adult life I had adapted to and been adapted to in a certain way...then poof that way of being, the very essence of how I conducted life with another was taken away...and I am left trying to adapt again and be adapted to and it just isn't as easy...is it age? the fact I had already adjusted to a certain way of being? the feeling that I am just plain tired of his death making me so tired I don't have the energy to deal with this?  I don't know....
DH an I were at that point in life of the plateau...the uphill struggles behind us,  the downhill sllde still ahead...and the plateau stage got ripped away.  For me it became an uphill struggle again.... if I was still with hub we would be peacefully plateauing.  With boyfriend I am facing an uphill struggle reestablishing my place in life and he happens to be here.  That makes me miss my life, makes me miss that stage of life that was taken from me and I get very confused as to what part is missing hub, what part is missing the plateau stage and what part is feeling like life with boyfriend isn't  there.  You made me really think.
We must free ourselves of the hope that the sea will ever rest. We must learn to sail in high winds.
Aristotle Onassis

fairlanegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 95
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #12 on: June 26, 2015, 06:35:44 PM »
I have a friend who has a great relationship with her husband, though.  She said to me she didn't envision ever marrying again if something happened to him.
The reality, as we all know, is that if it happened, she has absolutely no idea what she would do! Still, I had a great relationship with my husband, and we never discussed death, but I think I would've said maybe I'd marry again. 

mawidow

  • Guest
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2015, 09:25:42 PM »
Trying, I am sending so much support.

I am tired of the new life right now. I miss coming home to a feeling of utter homeness, not a new guy. No matter how lovely he is, I still go to bed crying some nights (including last night) over how new everything is when I used to have something so solid. Sometimes I am tired of all the logistics of letting a new person in and trying to share my life events with him. It's not a criticism of our relationship to say I really miss the feeling of having a person who was already 100% an insider in my life.

hugs.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: A boyfriend is not a husband
« Reply #14 on: July 05, 2015, 10:15:57 PM »
mawidow, I am so sorry the transition isn't easier to life with your new guy.  I think that once we've had that one person who knows us inside and out, where the routines  are established, the roles are clearly defined and a history is shared we want to fast forward to having that again.  It took years to build that relationship but now it takes so much energy.  My new guy gets tired of hearing me say "I never used to be like this" or "I used to be so much better about...".  Just tonight he told me he doesn't care about who I used to be because he fell in love with who I am now.  Now that was extremely sweet and wonderful of him to say but in my head I'm screaming "but I want to be HER again, not this broken version!!"

sigh...I hope it all starts to flow more naturally for you.
You will forever be my always.