Author Topic: finding others that were pregnant when he passed  (Read 2013 times)

widowhoodsucks

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finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« on: August 17, 2015, 01:42:03 PM »
Hi some of you know me from the old board. Finally migrated over here. I am 6 1/2 years out now and was 4 months pregnant with my boy when he passed.

I have never told my boy about his dad. He is 6 now. Dads family has not been around since he was 6 months old. They all took a hike.

My bf has been in the picture for 5 years, he is all my son knows. He calls him Dom not dad.

Recently my mother had told my oldest daughter (10) that she and her therapist feel I am wrong for not telling him.

First of all, its your therapist and your there for a reason, don't discuss me and my decisions when they don't affect you directly.

Second it is highly inappropriate to discuss this with my 10 yr old,

Third its my life my decision.

When my child asks, he will know then, I wont lie to him, At one point he will ask.

Others that have walked the path....... what did you do?

Thanks in advance.

Captains wife

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2015, 02:02:42 PM »
Im so sorry. Clearly this is your decision - and others dont have a right to tell you what to do. Maybe my experience will help a bit. My son was a young baby when my husband suddenly passed away so he doesnt remember him at all. At age 4 now, he is starting to ask where his Dad is. He notices now our family and his life is different from other children at school. My personal bias was to talk to him about his Dad from an early-ish age - I have shown pictures, video as I wanted him to know he had a Dad and what his Dad looked like. Earlier this year I went to a children's grief counselor to ask advice on how to deal with explaining where his Dad was because I honestly was avoiding telling him anything in particular as I didnt know what to say. (I posted about this in the widow with children area if you are interested). This well know child therapist recommended the best course of action is honesty (including explaining death, rather than, for example, your Daddy is in heaven) which she explained that I should do so that my child doesnt fear abandonment as he is growing up. Your son is lucky to have your bf in the picture and having  a male role model certainly provides security. For me, I also wanted my son to know who his Dad was, where he came from. One big difference for me vs. your situation is that my inlaws have been very much in the picture. I wasnt married long so I wanted my son to see his Dad through their eyes too. That was partly behind my decision to introduce who is Dad is early on. I dont talk about him all the time, I gently bring his Dad into the discussion sometimes and I also let him ask me about his Dad or talk about his Dad and then I respond. One other recommendation this children's therapist made was to introduce my son to a "children's grief group" just so he could see he wasnt the only child faced with this situation. My 4yr old son is too young for the local group now but maybe there is something in your area you could tap into later, once you decide how you want to proceed? Wishing you all the best....its heartbreaking listening to my son say "I miss Daddy" but he is also a very happy, well adjusted boy.
« Last Edit: August 17, 2015, 02:04:42 PM by Captains wife »

widowhoodsucks

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2015, 02:07:18 PM »
thank you for your reply,

when the time comes, there is a childrens group in Mi, that is wonderful. My eldest attended for years till she was ready to stop. I want him to know his dad too, but there has never been an opportune time. It would of been different if any of the inlaws were around but they are not.

I do think my BF has been instrumental in him not even asking, but one day he will.

There is no playbook when it comes to this shit is there.

Trying

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2015, 02:09:25 PM »
That was very inappropriate of your mom to discuss this with your daughter!  I've not been in your situation so I have no experience to draw from.  Maybe a children or family counselor could advise you and be in place to help you need your boy when the time comes to tell him.  My experience with raising kids is that the younger they are, the more matter of fact they handle things, as they get a little older it gets harder.

It must be incredibly hard to know that your son will never know his father but what a blessing that he has your bf in his life as a male role model.

Wishing you and your family the best
You will forever be my always.

RobFTC

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #4 on: August 17, 2015, 02:27:32 PM »
Your Mom should not have involved your daughter.  And mentioning her therapist seems like borrowing authority.

But if you're not telling your son something material about his life, how is he going to feel if he finds out from someone else first?  I expect that would erode his trust in you.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

sunshinedaydreamz

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #5 on: August 17, 2015, 04:43:20 PM »
Would not it be better for him to hear it from you and not someone else ?
Yes it's your call. But if your waiting for the opportune time, he's going to eventually add 2 and 2.

widowhoodsucks

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2015, 05:44:45 PM »
He will hear it from me. I have an incredibly small circle, the small circle is very aware of my decision and will not tell. But I don't think at 6 he is ready for this.

Last week we were talking about our cat that died last year. He asked if I was gonna die, I told him one day, but hopefully no time soon. The kid had a meltdown at the thought of me gone.

Sigh.... there is no good time. But now is certainly not it. Nor will my family bully me into it.

Thank you all for your responses.


sunshinedaydreamz

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #7 on: August 17, 2015, 07:42:12 PM »
I hear you I have a 24 year old living at home and we all seem to have issues. You are the one who knows best.
Best to you ..

Sugarbell

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #8 on: August 17, 2015, 09:21:56 PM »
Well 2 of my kids have no memory of their Dad.

I will say (and some may disagree with this)...that I have always allowed my kids from toddler age on to take the lead in discussions/questions about their Dad. Different situation here....but some years (yea years) they never discuss him. Some years all the time. I never pushed or initiated it with them (but they see grandparents, etc...but honestly some years they never felt the void)...Right now 7th grader talks all the tine about him. Other 2 never.

Next year or semester it will switch.

6 is young...if he's happy and secure with his world...I wouldn't bring it up yet. As he gets older he will probably want to know more...but at 6...no...at least mine didn't.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

Alexsander

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #9 on: August 18, 2015, 08:38:37 AM »
I'm also curious about the answers. DW passed away when our baby daughter was 25 days old. DAYS, not months.
She's 2 now, I have a fianc?e she calls MOM but DW's family is very present. I wonder when will she ask.

keeptrying

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Re: finding others that were pregnant when he passed
« Reply #10 on: August 18, 2015, 08:40:48 AM »
I have been there. My older sons father died when he was a baby. I never told him, never saw the point. My (now deceased) husband raised him SO wonderfully, that was the only dad he knew. I figured, why at a young age tell him? How is that going to benefit or help him at all offering information like that at his age? I know he did hear things from others but I never ended up "talking to him" about what he heard. I was scared and nervous when he was a baby, how do I tell him, when.. I had all those questions. I figured when the time was right, I would know it.  When he got to be around the age of 10, we got into a topic around the subject conversation, he started to ask questions. I told him how handsome he was, just like his father and answered all his questions. I showed him pictures and said positive things. He didn't ask too many, didn't really care too much because he was getting ready for my husband to take him out that night. He asks every great now and then, but nothing big. I didn't "scar" him from not telling him. He is not angry at me or upset. I don't feel bad about not telling him. (I was pregnant on my 7th when my husband died) - so I get to go through it again, although I am single, thinking I should stay like that now. I think everything worked out great, except for the part where everyone dies on us.
« Last Edit: August 18, 2015, 08:43:09 AM by keeptrying »