Time Frame > Newly Widowed (1 day to 6 months)

Hi Everyone,

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Bluemoon15:
  I am a relatively new widow, having lost my beloved just nine weeks ago.

My husband of 27 years, my best friend for 38 years, passed in his sleep during the early hours of January 3.  When I awoke, he was gone.

While Lee had a long list of health issues that go as far back as 1993, he was stable.  Losing him at 51 was a complete shock.

I had last spoke to him, by phone, the afternoon before, and I am so grateful that we always told each other we loved one another before we hung up.  It was my last conversation with him.

Upon arriving home a few hours later, I found him sleeping on the living room couch.  He would arouse and then go right back to sleep.  This was nothing out of the ordinary, due to all the medication he was on.  I sat up with him until 3:00 a.m., before going to bed.  He never did join me.  Instead, his tired heart simply stopped beating.

When I found him, I didn't want him to go without me, and I found myself having an out-of-body experience.  I was looking down on both of us, Lee on the sofa and me kneeling on the floor next to him with my arms wrapped around him.  But, just as I had no control over leaving my body, I didn't have any control over coming back.

After telling our only child, our 23-year-old son who described his father as his best friend, the pain was even more gut-wrenching as I watched him grieve.

The first month is a blur, and I found that I no longer had any dreams when I managed to get any sleep at night.  I had no dreams that I could recall for six weeks.  Now when I awake, my heart is filled with crazy, disjointed dreams, where I am either looking for him or beginning a new life without him that scares me.

I don't know if this is a typical response, but I feel as though I haven't had enough time to grieve.  My husband was my sole source of financial support, as I, too, have health issues and I spent my time taking care of him and my elderly mother.  Lee did not have life insurance either.  I became a task-oriented robot, focused on the business of survival.

At nine weeks out, the shock is starting to wear off and when waves of deep sorrow, pain and fear set in, I stuff it somewhere else.  I am afraid to cry anymore, because I have fibromyalgia and crying simply exacerbates my symptoms of pain, fatigue and what we call fibro fog.  It's like widow brain.  Having both is simply too much of a challenge, especially since I still have family members who depend on me.

As Valentine's Day approached, I decided to devote my time to buy gifts, or give gifts of labor, to all those in my inner circle.  It was helpful for me to get out of my own head and focus on someone else, a trick I learned when going to nursing school.

I then decided to post the story of my Valentine's Day adventure on my blog, which focuses on the gifts of adversity, and much to my delight, it was well received.

I am looking forward to getting to know everyone here, and I hope to be able to contribute something positive for all.

Justin:
Bluemoon15,

Welcome to our forum. I am so sorry that you had to look for us, but glad that you found us. My wife also died in her sleep in our home. Like your Lee, my wife Marsha had some health issues; nothing terminal, or so we thought.

I think your approaches to dealing with your grief sound like excellent ideas, given that crying is so hard on your body. I find that st just over 8 months, I don't cry everyday anymore but tears well-up most days for just a little while. Stick with your writing - it has been extremely therapeutic for my 16yo daughter.

Take care,

Justin

Bluemoon15:
Thanks for the warm welcome and words of wisdom, Jason.  I so appreciate it.

Yes, my writing has helped me a great deal.  I express myself better in the written word than the spoken word, so it works very well for me.  I am so glad your daughter found that it works for her, too.

God Bless you both.  You will be in my prayers.

Jen:
I am *so* glad you finally made it here! (((((HUGS)))))) For me, writing was the best therapy for the first nine months... since then, I've found that my words seem to have largely dried up. I'm all right with that for now. I think they'll come back eventually.

Be gentle with yourself, and write as much as you like here. We get it.

more hugs,

Jen

Bluemoon15:
Hi Jen,  Thanks so much for your lovely reply.  It's good to finally be here.

I've been writing since I could put pen to paper, but it's only been my chosen profession during the last four years. (Emphasis on "profession" - I'm still a starving artist.)

I'll probably end up being a fairly active poster.  Certainly seeing your smiling face and feeling the warmth of your heart made my first day easier.

Blessings to you.

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