Author Topic: I wish I would have known  (Read 3571 times)

Jess

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I wish I would have known
« on: June 29, 2015, 10:15:48 AM »
I wish I would have known that this time last year we had less than a month left together. I would have seized every single moment and drank it in to savor. Sudden death sucks. :(
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

MissingMyJon

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2015, 12:58:53 PM »

I can totally relate.  My dh died suddenly too, and if I had known he was going to die, I would have spent every second I could with him.  So many more moments we could have had together... <sigh>

 I wish there was some advice I could give to help.  Just letting you know I am here and I hear ya.  I am sending you big HUGS.
Jon, your name is imprinted on my life.
I love you, baby.
9/16/1985 - 4/30/2014

Jen

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2015, 01:04:03 PM »
Sudden death sucks. :(

Yes. Yes, it totally, completely, and in all other ways SUCKS ROCKS. I hate that this is my life now. I want my husband back. I want my old life. :(

Sorry, just had to get that out. (((((JESS))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

lcoxwell

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2015, 05:50:34 PM »
I will be honest, my Kenneth died a very slow, long, painful, drawn out death. For years, we thought over and over again that the end was near, and yet, he continued to beat the odds. Then, out of the blue, he made the decision he had had enough and wanted to stop all life saving medical treatment. Within a week, he was gone. Even knowing that death is coming, it still seems to find a way to sneak up on you, and there are so many things you wish you could have done differently, so many times you would have held onto and cherished more, so many moments you would have savored.....
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

linda5

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2015, 05:57:54 PM »
Another one in the "sudden death" camp.  It certainly does suck.  The day before DH died, I told the universe how blessed I was.  A loving husband, 3 great girls, and then the very next day he dies.  I'm wondering if I got punished for saying it outloud.  I mean, did the devil hear me, so he zapped me?  Or, was I meant to realize how good I had it? 

I sure do miss that man.  Jess, I also would have seized every moment.  Hugs to you.

donswife

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2015, 06:19:16 PM »
oh yes would savor every second,   just doesn't seem to get any easier
hugs
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DansSoulmate

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2015, 06:25:45 PM »
Yep, and I think about how many times I didn't make plans because there would always be tomorrow or it cost too much, etc.. But I am actually finding myself smiling thinking about this time last year when I was getting everything ready for us to go to the Grand Tetons and Yellowstone.  I have wonderful memories from that trip that will last a lifetime for me but it would have been great to have more.  Hope other folks can reflect on their own happy July 4th memories and it brings a smile!

Virgo

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2015, 10:34:44 PM »
((hugs)) My only regret is that he's no longer with me and of course everything he will miss out on. No regrets on how we lived our lives together. The last thing I said to him was, "I love you." I lost him just four months after he was diagnosed. It wasn't sudden, but it was fast. Those four months were a blur.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

donswife

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2015, 05:08:14 AM »
@Virgo- I to have no regrets either with the life we had , even though don died suddenly
we had just gotten back the week before on one of our best trips
just driving around and having no plans , we stopped at a cabin in upstate new york for 2 days
we just sat on the porch and talked /laughed for hours ....funny we kept saying how much fun we have together doing absolutely nothing
so I go there in my head when I feel the lowest , kinda like maybe I did get that little extra time to savor

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Carey

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2015, 09:02:25 AM »
an alive face on Skype telling me to have a good day and the next day just gone forever. I have so many regrets and there are SO many things I'd have done differently. :(
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

MrsT85

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2015, 10:16:25 AM »
I hear you, Jess.  He was finishing up his degree and student teaching when he died - I wish I could have savored those last few months, weeks and days I spent with him.  Instead, we were both so stressed out - me about money, he wasn't earning a paycheck while he was student teaching and him about schoolwork, teaching, everything. 

In retrospect it all seems to petty.  I wish I could have just held him and told him I loved him.  Instead, I said goodbye to him one morning as I was leaving work, and then never ever saw him again.

Yep.  Sudden death sucks.
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Jess

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2015, 09:05:55 AM »
I wouldn't say I have regrets exactly, it is more just wishing I could have held on to each moment better. For instance, his last day we had the day off together. We played with the puppy we adopted the day before, I played some game on my computer and vacuumed. He spent the day doodling and knocked out washing the dishes. His last meal was cocktail wieners with BBQ sauce and perogies because we were feeling lazy. Had I known, I would have said screw the cleaning and the dishes and held him all day. I would have cooked his favorite meal, chicken parmesan. I would have done everything to enjoy my last moments with him, instead of heading off to bed because I had to get up early for a trip the next morning that I obviously ended up canceling. I tried my best to let that man know how loved he was and honestly still is, but had I known, I would have pulled out all the stops and just enjoyed being us instead of assuming we had decades to do that. I don't know if that makes sense.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

donswife

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2015, 03:22:12 PM »
makes total sense   
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Ursula

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2015, 03:51:22 PM »
It sure makes so much sense. Oh and yes, I would do a great many things differently and as many just the same and I just wanted to see us grow together and our wee boy discover life, instead of having to do it on my own. It is lonely and it sucks.
I didn't know either, never crossed my mind and am an empty copy of my old self - if I would have known ?  I have no answer to that.
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

mixelated

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Re: I wish I would have known
« Reply #14 on: July 02, 2015, 11:51:12 PM »
Yep. Right there with everyone. I have all those loving things I would have said and time I would have spent with him, too, but the added pain is the fact that HE knew how little time we had. I look back on the last week, the last evening, and now I recognize all the little tender things he was doing and saying to say goodbye. I wish I had seen it for what it was. I wish I'd seen it, if only to be able to say how much I loved him again, if not to save him.