Author Topic: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -  (Read 404 times)

RyanAmysMom

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • Seek joy.
Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« on: March 25, 2018, 09:55:13 PM »
My DH passed nearly 3 years ago.  I've tried dating off and on in the past year...  My kids are now 14 and 17, (they were 11 and 14 when daddy passed) - and they both really hate the idea of me dating...

But I'm really ready ......  How do I balance their needs and mine? 

serpico

  • Member
  • Posts: 293
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2018, 10:35:46 PM »
Their main need is for a well-adjusted mother. If dating is what you want to do, I say go for it. You can explain things to them as much or as little as you want to, but they aren’t in charge of your life.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Julester3

  • Member
  • Posts: 468
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #2 on: March 26, 2018, 07:39:27 AM »
I explained to the girls of my needs. My kids are 14 and 18 now and it's been 2 years. They understood and they asked only a few things of me: home is their sanctuary please don't bring guys home unless it's someone I'm serious about and can they ask me questions about who I'm seeing. 2 reasonable requests IMO. They like to look out for me. I explained this is for me and not someone to replace their father- the girls are ready to fly to college in the next few years and I'm lonely. I do have friends, hobbies, and such but my husband was affectionate and I was cut off severely when he died and I crave male affection. It's something I have identified that I need but it needs to be someone I can connect with and respect.

You can't be expected to be a widow matyr to live the rest of your days alone, it's selfish of them to expect it of you. They just need to process and learn to understand that you are human with very human needs. Hugs and good luck. Teens are a handful.

TheWidowWhisperer

  • Member
  • Posts: 36
    • The Widow Whisperer
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2018, 07:52:47 AM »
I can't remember what comedienne said it but..."children wanting happy parents is a myth. they'd rather have them wailing and screaming but in the next room, than out and about and happy."

Children are very (healthily) self-absorbed and unformed and in no position to call the shots on an adults' life. They needn't be an audience for your personal life and really don't need to know about your sex life but you should date without any sense of guilt. If that's what you want. They will be out of the house in a few years and perhaps even a bit embarrassed about their position right now. Losing a parent is horrible. But it is not the same as losing the rhythm of your life. Be happy.
Hoping my experiences can help
https://thewidowwhisperer.com

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 477
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2018, 05:25:37 PM »
Mine were a bit older when I started dating(15 and 17) but yes finding the balance was and still is tricky. I left the dating part out of the equation at first and just established that I needed to get out  for some me time. Only when I was further along with my dating life did i include some details in conversations with my boys...still vague...but getting them used to the idea. It worked  ok for me. Maybe not perfect as the older one said  It's ok it's only normal  mom" and the younger said "fine just don't involve me" but that's their personalities.
Anyways it's  a little over 4 years later I've have been through one 2 1/2 year relationship and now in a new one. I still try and balance "my family " time , some integration and me/date time. We deal but it is seriously tricky to balance everything.  As people have mentioned the kids get older  and there will be an  independant life in the future so I'm glad I have establish some me time.

Hope you find a way that works for you.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1703
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2018, 07:16:30 AM »
The teen years can be hard in so many ways.  They are embarrassed enough that we exist but to think we might have romantic needs like they are starting to feel can push them over the edge.  It is a very self absorbed phase of life and all decisions are judged based on how it may effect them. 

Mine were 18,16 and 10 when I started dating.  The older 2 did not handle it well at all and we had some major melt downs. It took over a year for them to come to terms and longer to be happy about it.  I'm now married they are happy I am happy.

I made some mistakes and started dating much earlier.  If I could do it over I would've waited longer (like you) and not tried to hide it from them. I still think you don't involve them unless it's very serious but they should know that you are dating, you're not trying to replace their Dad, it's important to you, end of story.

Good luck, it really can tear your heart at times.
You will forever be my always.

Forgottenwife

  • Member
  • Posts: 136
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2018, 10:43:22 AM »
You are entitled to your own life. Yes, you can be a mom and a daughter and a friend and possibly an eventual Mother-in-law too, but you are entitled to your own life too.

My kids were 15 and 22 when I started dating. I did have a few rules for myself based on being a mom to a teenager. I never brought any dates home, we always met somewhere else. The only man they ever saw or talked to is my now fiancee and that was after I became sure of his character and knew we had serious long-term potential.

There was a little push-back and concern right at first and I simply told them it was unacceptable for them to expect me to never date or re-couple. I told them that if I could not date, I expected them to be available every Friday and Saturday night, and every Sunday all day for the rest of my life to go out and keep me company. It was a small bump in the road but a couple years ago one of my kids told their grandfather how grateful they were that I have 'moved on,' as he can go on with his own life and not feel sad leaving me home alone.

I say be loving but firm. Let them know you will always be their Mom, nothing will ever change that. But life is full of beauty and happiness, which can include love and companionship if you choose to seek it.

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 672
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2018, 12:06:22 PM »
I thought it was going to be difficult to date as a single parent - and it is. It is a little "easier" for me as my son is almost 7 and he's very accepting of having male company around and likes that I have a boyfriend (although there have been a few jealousy issues along the way). But my divorced boyfriend's son (almost eight) was a little cold at first and would give me and my son dirty looks or tell my son not to hold his Dad's hand (luckily that doesn't seem to be happening anymore). BUT I told my boyfriend upfront that I wasn't willing to put up with this behavior from his son - I was understanding to a point (and I have been very patient along this divorce road) but I had my limits and let them be known to the Dad.

I guess my point is this - its tough when kids aren't happy with your dating life but I agree that they shouldn't dictate it. Be sympathetic, provide supportive talk along the way but they shouldn't rule behaviour. I also agree that holding off for the kids to meet someone more serious (and who is likely to be more permanent) is the way to go plus be honest (so not sneaking around behind their back). I have seen this implode when the child realizes the parent has not been truthful. My one caveat to this is getting a sense of how your new significant other is around your kids (once they are further down the road and meet) - my son wasn't a fan of my first boyfriend, he voiced this -  and his instincts about that guy were absolutely right !
« Last Edit: March 27, 2018, 12:08:55 PM by Captains wife »

RyanAmysMom

  • Member
  • Posts: 89
  • Seek joy.
Re: Push-Back about dating from teen kids -
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2018, 02:47:36 PM »
Thanks for the insights, encouragement, and clarity. 
There's some great advice here.