Author Topic: BIL creeping me out...  (Read 604 times)

piecesofapart

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BIL creeping me out...
« on: February 05, 2018, 05:07:46 PM »
I lost my husband about 4 years ago- and my BIL lost my sister about 2 years ago.
I've been trying to be supportive and we text about twice a month..just say HI- and see how each other is doing- plus we see each other though the year at family events. He is a nice guy and has always been a great BIL. He told my quite early on after he lost my sister that he though it would make sense if we started dating. I told him then... in a nice way- that will never happen...but I wanted to be supportive of him as I kinda knew what he must be going thru- plus I felt like I was looking out for him on my sister's behalf.

This past summer we went to have lunch and to see a movie...I made it clear..just as friends to support one widow to another widower- I knew he was lonely and did not get out much- so I though it would do him good. He again asked me if I would consider dating him- and I said no- you are like a brother to me- I've known you since I was a teen- we are both now in our 50's. I told him you are a great guy, but it would just be too creepy- and I could not ever see myself doing that. He said he understood and dropped it. But I still felt a little uncomfortable around him.

Now about 8 months later- he texted me asking me again if I'd consider being his "girlfriend". I am getting creeped out again. I did not text back- and his last text said...I guess the answer is No? I know hes lonely and drinks way more than he should...seems like he's going thru a down time again- which I understand.

 I am wondering if I should mention to my niece? (we are pretty close...I was really close to my sister too.) She did know that we did go out and I made it clear to her and the rest of my family- it was just to support him- nothing romantic. Everyone said- Yeah - that would be a little weird. I said- don't worry It's not ever going to happen.

About a year ago- His kids signed him up for a dating site- he mentioned it to me- but said he did not respond to anyone- I encouraged him to give it a try if he was ready. (He asked me if I'd consider a dating site- and I told him I was not ready- I still felt like I had to work on myself yet- and that's a whole other long story...)

Any advise on how to handle this situation- and not make it weird- we are a pretty large close family- as I said above I am really close to his children-(they are older- late 20's) and we have several family gatherings throughout the year..but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2018, 05:16:24 PM by piecesofapart »

Portside

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #1 on: February 05, 2018, 06:54:04 PM »
.but now I feel like I want to just avoid him.

Well, then just avoid him if that is what you want to do. It may be impossible at family gatherings but simply be firm and unchanging - *No, BIL, I will not date you. Sorry.* Don't say anything that could be read by him as "Ah, I have a chance!" Such as, "I like you but. . . .", "You're a great guy but. . . .", things like that.

It sounds like he may always have the pilot light lit for you - don't do anything to cause it to be turned into a torch. It already bothers you.

And heavens no, don't say anything to your niece. What good can come of that? You may embarrass her and to what end? Are you hoping she tells her Dad to lay off? If she does, everyone would be embarrassed and hurt then. You don't owe your niece any explanation of whom you date or don't date. Or to explain to her that her Dad is a creep. You're relationship with your niece will be forever damaged. Even if it is the truth.

Simply keep telling him "No", in your own way and hopefully, he finally accepts it.

Good luck - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #2 on: February 06, 2018, 01:39:29 AM »
PoaP I'm agreeing with Portside on this one.  Stay gently firm with your BIL and please don't involve your niece.  I too think it could possibly damage your relationship with her. Your BIL will eventually find his way and hopefully this will all blow over.
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

daysofelijah

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #3 on: February 06, 2018, 08:11:36 AM »
I agree, the recently widowed father of my son's good friend made several attempts to date me a couple years ago. He didn't take a gentle no for an answer, and trying to help him with other things, or just be nice and social only made things harder. I had to go to ignoring, except for texts having directly to do with our sons.

I never said anything to my son, or his friend obviously. That just would have embarrassed everyone involved. Sometimes kindness is seen as encouragement or leaving the door open and you have to be a little more harsh than you'd like to be, unfortunately.
Amy, mom to four (14,13,10,6)

Mizpah

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #4 on: February 06, 2018, 08:52:14 AM »
I would be blunt and clear, and keep it just between the two of you.  If it were me, I'd text: "The answer is no.  The answer is forever no and will forever be no, and if you want a friendship/family relationship to continue, this needs to be the end of this conversation." 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

jgib

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #5 on: February 06, 2018, 11:11:08 AM »
I think we often make decisions about how things are addressed because we don’t want to be hurtful.
Pieces, I just think you don’t want to cause hurt but how he is addressing things is also hurtful because of the pressure he is applying.
You have been subtle and caring but I think I agree with Mizpah in that maybe a more forward approach may be in order.  You seem pretty sure what you want and you need for that to come across to him.
This would not be an easy spot to be in for sure.

fairlanegirl

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #6 on: February 06, 2018, 02:46:36 PM »
I'd agree with Mizpah here too - you have been very nice, it is probably time to be a bit tougher. Certainly avoid seeing him one on one, but please don't miss out on family occasions you want to attend because of him, that would be going too far. Another thing that struck me was - his kids signed him up for a dating site? It would seem he wasn't ready, although maybe he asked them to? Although I doubt I would ever have had the courage to go online.

Interesting to hear that refusing someone politely by saying 'You're a great guy but...' could be construed as encouragement, or rather, leaving the door open. Good grief. When a bloke has said the equivalent to me I've just thought, oh well, he is being nice, letting me down gently,he's not interested, move on. We all know how hard it is losing one's love, but this fellow is being very persistent - do we need to tiptoe around folks' egos that much in this case? He is pushing too hard.

And goodness no, I agree, don't say anything to your niece.

Portside

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #7 on: February 07, 2018, 08:31:22 AM »

Interesting to hear that refusing someone politely by saying 'You're a great guy but...' could be construed as encouragement, or rather, leaving the door open. Good grief. When a bloke has said the equivalent to me I've just thought, oh well, he is being nice, letting me down gently,he's not interested, move on.


And that's the difference between you and me and this guy. I'd be he sees things differently. A guy carrying a torch for a particular woman will latch onto any little thing to convince himself he's still in the running. Even if it is based on wishful thinking. :)
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

nextchapter

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #8 on: February 07, 2018, 09:53:13 AM »
I agree with the comment, telling him no, forever no. But since he is family, maybe a little nicer, but comments to the same effect.

Englishwidow

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2018, 12:42:15 PM »
I had an experience in the week. Went to Pub Quiz and a nice man on team gave me and another couple a lift home, literally 1/2 mile, 2 mins in car. I sat in front seat. He went to kiss me goodbye etc and went for my lips. I know other women will understand this; it felt so odd, so icky, keep thinking about it afterwards. He has a lovely wife who sometimes comes to the quiz. All a little bit ‘Me Too’.

I know not the same as BIL trying it on, but feel I can’t say anything to Quiz Man. Don’t want to draw attention to it, but will forever be a bit wary of him. Compared to BIL is mild and inconsequential.

One feels somehow in the wrong and yet has done nothing wrong. For the sake of your family it would be very difficult to say something to him about inappropriateness, but perhaps go down the route of you not being ready, available and uncouchable with regards your sister and her memory.

Hope you resolve things so is not always in back of mind when at family events.


fairlanegirl

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2018, 02:59:53 PM »

For the sake of your family it would be very difficult to say something to him about inappropriateness, but perhaps go down the route of you not being ready, available and uncouchable with regards your sister and her memory.
I would not say anything about not being 'ready' or your sister's memory - if the bloke is this persistent he might think 'Oh one day she'll be "ready" and I'll be there!' And frankly, his behaviour is off even if the two of you weren't widowed. And he must know it but just keeps chancing his arm. Unless there is some info we don't have here, a simple 'No, sorry, I'm just not interested' should suffice. That's not insensitive or mean. We all have to deal with rejection sometimes.
I assume you meant 'untouchable' there EW, although it hopefully would put him off making any moves on the sofa :-)

piecesofapart

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2018, 03:57:00 PM »
Thanks everyone...now he just texted me saying He'd like my mailing address so he can mail me a Valentine Card...ugh!!!!!

Portside

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2018, 05:41:24 PM »
Thanks everyone...now he just texted me saying He'd like my mailing address so he can mail me a Valentine Card...ugh!!!!!
Text him back telling him people in hell would like ice water but it's NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!!

Nah, you know what to do - not a damn thing.

:) Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

jgib

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #13 on: February 11, 2018, 08:40:38 AM »
Pieces, is there a part of you that is liking the attention?  It may be worth asking yourself that question as that may be the vibe he is picking up on.
You brain is saying you don’t but maybe something deeper is enjoying it on some level so you are giving off signs of this.  Just something to think on......

klim

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Re: BIL creeping me out...
« Reply #14 on: February 12, 2018, 06:54:34 PM »

Why are you are creeped out exactly , I agree it's strange/ different( not many people would find themselves in these exact circumstances) but I don't necessarily think it's creepy......you are both widowed and there is some comfort in knowing each other for a long time maybe that is what he is thinking. Of course you totally  should be heard and your opinion should be honoured by your brotherinlaw.
 Just thought I'd add a different point of view.