Re: OK being alone, haven't recoupled and not seeking to recouple thread

[Julester3]

I can see your POV RyanAmysMom. My husband was very affectionate so I am really really missing the affection, the hugs, the kisses, the physical relationship, the conversations, the little things he did that made me feel pretty and special but the prospect of what I would have to do to get any of those things seems too much a price and effort that I'm willing to spend. I don't want to waste what energy I'm mustering on these things. I do my best to cherish what I had and then I use as much distraction as I can to keep the sadness at bay.

[MissingSquish]

Yup, I'm still firmly in the camp of not becoming recoupled again. I like my space, my life and my network that I've built for myself over the past 4 1/2 years. I don't see another man or relationship fitting into the mix. I'm unwilling to compromise and lose everything I've built over another guy.

[Needytoo]

First time I have ventured into this thread.

Not even sure how to say this, so I am just going to say it. I started dating when I was 10 years old.  For some reason I had it in my head you were nothing unless you had a boyfriend.  I also had it in my head that you had to be submissive and let the man lead the way. My marriage wasn't a typical marriage.  My husband was a functional alcoholic and I was a submissive enabler.  I think you guys get the picture. 

It has been four years since his passing, and I have come a long way.  I believe I am ready for dating.  I am trying the online dating thing, and it isn't working. Maybe I am just supposed to be single the rest of my life.  Life is pretty good, love my job, have hobbies, and I get out there and socialize.  My sons are still at home, and it is challenging have three adults under the same house. They haven't started dating, and I fear they will never leave.  I enjoy my alone time, but at the same time, I feel that void.  Wish I just could be content.

[sikeuritgadeun]

To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.   I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.

[jgib]

To be honest, I am afraid to date.  I wouldn't know where to start.  I have been asked out but I politely decline, then run the other way.  I don't know why.  Well, I guess I do.  I was happily married and and I miss him greatly.   I am afraid to take that step.  I am OK alone most of the time but it does get lonely, I will admit that.  I do miss having someone special to talk to.  I wish I had that again at least.

I hear ya.....

[Bear Tomás]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy". 

[Julester3]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

[Bear Tomás]

I love women but I don't see marriage in my future. Even living with a woman for six months was too much togetherness for me. I have a few friends here in FL who call themselves polyamorous and one who calls himself solo poly, which means he has a few close relationships but he prefers to live alone. It is not one night stands or casual sex. They call it "ethical non-monogamy".

That's interesting. Thanks for the information.

Maybe it's just my fear of commitment? 

[Flman]

I have been a widower a long time 12 years . Married for 14 . After a year of losing my wife I felt kinda desperate didn't want to be alone or just listened to ppl telling me you're young you have to get married again.so I went on dates like crazy for a while what a joke even had a few relationships but just bc Everyone said to. It's been a few years now that I've been kind of a loner. To be honest it's great to a point sure I would love to have company once in a while but coming home with no drama is the best thing in life right now. Maybe I just can't get over the fact that my sweetheart is gone forever or when I was with someone I always felt so dam guilty. I mean we didn't divorce its like she just went away for a long time. Life really sucks sometimes

[Adley]

Yes Flman, to the coming home to no drama. I remarried last year for four months, and learned how much worse things can be than simply being alone. It's lonely, yes, but I'll take solitude over constant strife any day. As in your other recent post, I can feel myself shutting doors as a protection mechanism. Who wants to add more pain? Life is complicated enough without someone's arbitrary drama.

[lost35]

It's really just that I still love him.  Really, truly, deeply, madly love him.  I was waiting all day that day, to talk to him and to see him when he got home, as I had something important to tell him.  The phone rang and I jumped up and ran because I just really needed to hear his voice.  But it wasn't him.  And never would be.  It's been years.  Almost ten.  I can't help it.  I just miss him.  I don't know how else to be.  It's not easy. But in the end, it just is what it is...

[StillWidowed]

I still love my late husband, but I don't have that deep grief or longing to be with him anymore.  For me, I truly believe I've healed.  Now.....to remarry?  I don't think so.  It's been so long now that I'm really getting used to my "me" time.  If I don't want to cook, I don't.  If I don't want to do laundry, I don't.  If I want to go to bed at 9 PM I do.  If I want to go to bed at 2 AM, I do.  You get the picture.  But the funny thing, is that I wonder if I feel this way because I'm not meeting anyone I would even consider a second date with, let alone long term.  I did fall in love again after I lost my husband, but that was short lived and a colossal fail. Looking back, I doubt it was even a relationship. I'm ok by myself.  I used to get those loneliness pangs, but not so much anymore.  I think it's made me that much more selective.  Like the guy really needs to knock my socks off, or I'm not bothering.  I hear of all the compromise, and blending, etc., and all I want to do for the most part is take a nice long nap! But then I think, will I regret not dating and giving love another chance some day when I'm old, alone and in my rocking chair?  Oh the dilemma!

[canadiangirl]

I hear of all the compromise, and blending, etc., and all I want to do for the most part is take a nice long nap!

This. It has been 2.5 years since I wrote the original post, and my feelings have not changed in any way.  I truly admire the energy that others have in finding another partner --all my attention is on my child, or work, or managing the workload that my DH would have been responsible for...there is nothing left after that. I still have PTSD symptoms. Maybe I will change my mind when I have an empty nest.  But, looking at Lost35's post...I still miss my DH too. He was sick for 4.5 out of the 6 years I knew him. It changed our relationship. Some days the longing to get to know him better, an opportunity denied me, takes my breath away, even now.  It is him I want, not another. And I am still OK with that. 

[tybec]

I am a 3rd generation widow. My grandmother and aunt both widowed before 50.  Neither remarried.  Both traveled extensively, my grandmother went to work as she never had prior. My aunt was a college professor and wrote books and enjoyed grandchildren.  She was German descent and would go back and see family often. 

I thought that would be me.  It wasn't.  But I know if I do decide to be on my own, I can do it and enjoy life fully like them.  I decided to date again.   Not sure why I switched, but I did.

I think learning to live fully is our challenge, whatever direction we go.  Perhaps the loss of our mate opens that door to do so?   

[sudnlysngl]

I think learning to live fully is our challenge, whatever direction we go.  Perhaps the loss of our mate opens that door to do so?   

This has been my hardest challenge thus far since dh died. I guess I am that person who truly loved being a wife, and mother. We had just gotten our last child out of the house and were just starting to make our list of things that "we" had waited to do when "the kids are grown and gone", when he got sick and died.

Just want peace and happiness. (having dh back would be great too)