Author Topic: On line dating vents and laughs......  (Read 182012 times)

Peony09

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1470 on: January 15, 2018, 01:04:20 PM »
Hi! I'm new here, but I've been a widow for 8 years. I just recently started the online dating. I texted someone for 4 days and just this morning told him I didn't think we were going to be a match. I don't think he took it well, but I felt like something was off.  I feel really bad, but I don't know how I could have done it differently. I hated dating when I was young, and it's even worse now. I go back and forth between thinking, don't be so picky and take your time, the right guy will come. I second guess everything. Plus I am well aware that even though my children are older now, this person needs to be a good fit for them too. So there is far more pressure than when I met my husband at 18. It was just so easy, sincere and uncomplicated!

Virgo

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1471 on: January 15, 2018, 02:35:16 PM »
Peony, it's definitely easier when you're younger and have no responsibilities. I think you should always go with your gut feeling. Don't second guess yourself.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss

Peony09

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1472 on: January 15, 2018, 07:39:47 PM »
Thank you Virgo!  I did follow my gut instinct, but it feels bad.  Being "that" person feels bad.  Little does he know that I cut it off early in an effort to be honest & not lead him on.

I actually have an analogy about why I hate dating.  Hopefully it makes as much sense outside of my head as it does inside.  It's kind of like when you go buy a new car.  You are picky about everything.  Maybe black, no maybe red.  Should I get the leather or the cloth?  What about the add on's?  You walk around it and make sure it's you.  Good fit inside?  Where's the blind spot when I drive it... etc.  You all know what I mean.  But you're being reasonable cause it matters & it's a big purchase.  You want it to be right.  Dating is much of same process, but with feelings!  Real people are complicated and it doesn't feel as good judging every little thing.  But you have to in order to make a reasonable, responsible decision.
There's just something really wrong and uncomfortable about test driving people!   :)

Does this part get easier in time?

Portside

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1473 on: January 16, 2018, 10:36:15 AM »

Does this part get easier in time?

It does if you keep it simple. Just approach it one step at a time without trying to find out/decide all right at the beginning and keep your "list" reasonable. For example, on the first date was the guy pleasant and respectful? Were you? If "yes", continue. Not - wow, he worn a stripped shirt with plaid pants!! Ok, a visual disaster but is that really important?

But, IIRC, you never met with this guy in person right? You texted for 4 days and then decide it's not a match? I'm not sure this is a method that has a high chance of find a wonderful guy. Without a physical meetup, you've (we all would do this) built a mental image of what he is and who he is. But really, unless he was a complete ass texting, which you didn't mention, I don't feel you gave this possibility a fair shake.

I've gone on and on about texting for years here - it is not a form of effective or complete communication by any stretch of the imagination. There are too many holes within texting to used as a go/nogo decision point. (again, unless he was inappropriate). Simply being clumsy or a poor texting communicator could throw a potentially great guy out of the pool.

I went on more blind dates than ones where I did the asking. I had a ball. Not everyone was a match for me certainly and I'm positive I wasn't a match for all the women I met. However, I learned something big from each and every lady I went out with. Something about myself, something about life, something about dating. Something about humanity.

Just my two cents.

Good luck and best wishes - Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

jgib

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1474 on: January 16, 2018, 11:13:52 AM »
Thank you Mike.
I know your advice wasn’t for me but I am going to give your words the weight they deserve.

Peony09

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1475 on: January 18, 2018, 11:05:29 AM »
Thank you Mike!

I sincerely needed & appreciate your opinion.  You were spot on with all of it.  As jgib said, I too will give your words the weight they deserve.

I honestly do value the male perspective.  It's hard when all you know is the female perspective & all of the voices in your head (of which there are many) are female too!  :) 

Leadfeather

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1476 on: January 28, 2018, 12:25:07 PM »
Update. This past week we have been communicating quite a lot via text and phone calls. Yesterday we met for a late lunch and spent a good amount of time together. It felt very comfortable and I think we both enjoyed it. At the end of the evening I asked her when I could see her again, with schedules it was difficult to figure out, so I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for.

As an aside, I have been spending a lot of time examining me and I think I need to work on my expectations while dating. Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom

rifatheroffour

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1477 on: January 28, 2018, 01:27:36 PM »
I reworded my question and asked "Would you like to see me again" and that got a yes. Which is really the confirmation i was looking for.

That is very smart!

Coming out of a very loving and healthy marriage it is difficult to go back to square one with a new person and not long for that deeper connection that only grows over time. So, I am going to try and slow down and enjoy each moment as it comes and try not to worry to much about what comes next.

Yes!, while I'm not "online dating" I am just starting to see someone I have know for many years and this is exactly how I am feeling. Trying very hard to remember to enjoy the moments as they come and worry about tomorrow...tomorrow.
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

Captains wife

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1478 on: January 29, 2018, 11:06:55 AM »
I did online dating for several years post widow and what struck me was just to focus on the now and not worry about the future as much. In the early days I was too focused on analyzing the relationship and worried about where it would go. After all, at this stage in my life (mid-life and with a child), I wasn't planning to have more children nor get married again (maybe) so I finally realized I just needed to enjoy the moments I was having and quit worrying about "where was this relationship going?" I am just trying to focus on being in relationship that makes both partners happy - and I realized that its not as easy at this point in my life to sustain a relationship as it was in the past. I also learned to care less of what others thought of me (ie. when I was "rejected") and realized that finding a good match could take some time.... and there was no rush. I also decided along the way that I want to sustain my own life (outside a partnership) because I felt it was important to be happy in my own space as well as someone else's.
I know what you mean - Leadfeather - about missing that deeper connection but Ive also learned not to rush that too.

Wishing you all the best ! And have fun : )
« Last Edit: January 29, 2018, 11:09:04 AM by Captains wife »

Leadfeather

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1479 on: February 01, 2018, 05:32:21 AM »
On slightly more lighthearted note. Scheduling times to see each other with two busy schedules.  Arrg!
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom

Leadfeather

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1480 on: February 05, 2018, 07:40:12 AM »
This weekend and today have been emotionally difficult for a number of reasons. One of them being I hate the ambiguity in the relationship I have with A. I had decided to ask her what her intentions are regarding us and had hoped to ask in person this weekend. I am not a conflict/confrontational guy which is something I have been working on. I’m trying to be very upfront about what I want and at this point I want to know if she sees me as someone she could build a relationship with even if we are not there yet. So this is a big deal for me.  Unfortunately, Issues with her teenage daughter took all of her time this weekend and emotionally drained her.  So we did not have a chance to talk even by phone only texting which was less than satisfying and is not the medium I would choose to ask this question.

I plan on calling her tonight and asking.  I’m at a point where I either want to know we’re both working towards the same goal or go look for someone else. And the whole thing sucks because I think I’m still calibrated from 25 years of marriage to be in a deep meaningful relationship and not just dating for fun.

« Last Edit: February 05, 2018, 07:49:14 AM by Leadfeather »
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom

BrokenHeart2

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1481 on: February 05, 2018, 07:54:10 AM »
Hey LF, the only advise I could give you is to read your Jan 28 post!
Good luck to you!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

tybec

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1482 on: February 05, 2018, 10:18:45 AM »
Leadfeather,

I get what you are saying, and I was the same way.  In fact, NG called me on it, stating I was operating from a brain/experience of 21 plus years of marriage instead of dating him for almost 2 years.  I didn't deny it. 

Folks here suggested I "back off" and let things grow naturally, versus maybe even scaring NG off.  I was ready in about one year to have the "where are we going with this?"  I also told him about 6th date I was wife material. 

Good luck with what you decide.  I understand the wanting to know, but then this dating thing. OY!

RobFTC

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1483 on: February 05, 2018, 08:29:21 PM »
This weekend and today have been emotionally difficult for a number of reasons. One of them being I hate the ambiguity in the relationship I have with A.

How long has it been?  Seems really early to have a "define the relationship" discussion.

Guys rush too much, headlong into failure.  Keep your seat belt fastened, keep both hands on the wheel, and above all, don't exceed the speed limit! :-)

Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

rifatheroffour

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1484 on: February 05, 2018, 08:35:50 PM »
Guys rush too much, headlong into failure.  Keep your seat belt fastened, keep both hands on the wheel, and above all, don't exceed the speed limit! :-)

Rob T

Need to keep this playing in a loop inside my head...good advice
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.