Author Topic: On line dating vents and laughs......  (Read 182554 times)

jgib

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1485 on: February 05, 2018, 10:59:35 PM »
Taking a break from dating, not that I have done much....
The online thing just isn’t for me but there isn’t really anything else either it seems.

SunshineFL

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1486 on: February 08, 2018, 06:43:46 PM »
Hi @jgib - taking breaks from online dating is healthy; good to re-balance and get your energy focused again on yourself and positive things.  When/if you think you are ready again to give it a go, you'll know. I hope you enjoy filling your calendar with some other fun things to do on your own or with family and friends.

I just caught up on a few of the posts here - nice to see friends from years past bravely dating, enjoying themselves and getting into healthy relationships with new good people.

I just saw that this thread has turned to its 100th page. I posted on page 1 of this roller-coaster of a 2.5 year conversation when @momtokam started it with her now infamous sentence "Why do I assume everyone I talk to is honest" and thought I would add a little something for those more newly-widowed than I am at eight years out, to read when they perhaps feel that they are ready to start dating on their widowed journey.

I would encourage anyone starting to think of being ready to date after being widowed to take the time to go back to page 1 and read all the way through to page 100 (and beyond) because so many people have shared their experiences, safety tips, hard-earned lessons, how-tos and perspectives - this thread has really become a treasure trove of dating support info.  It is great that all of it can be found in one thread, and not bifurcated into smaller headings based on one person.  The amassment of information in one place is really valuable, helpful, heart-shared, often laugh-out-loud funny or ridiculous, and, in many cases, sanity-saving (if for the sole reason to know we aren't alone in navigating the new relationship realm).

Wishing everyone goodness.



momtokam

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1487 on: February 13, 2018, 08:10:44 PM »
Thank you @SunshineFL! ❤

That first post seems like ancient history, and yet at the same time, still rings true today. The information in this thread is what I wish I knew in the early days of dating. I hope it helps those new to the post wid dating scene. If it only offers some smiles on the otherwise sad moments on our paths, then that is great thing as well!

I haven't been here in a while. I haven't felt I've had too much to share. I have not actively on line dated in quite some time.

I've taken a new, more laid back approach to dating. I've recently met and enjoying time with a local widower. I'm not over thinking and I'm enjoying being spoiled! Who knows what will happen. I'm Ok not knowing right now. 😁

I hope everyone is well! ❤

« Last Edit: February 13, 2018, 08:14:12 PM by momtokam »

Adley

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1488 on: February 16, 2018, 02:48:59 PM »
Well I finally tried the online thing, on a widowed group. Women must outnumber men ten to one, and it was completely overwhelming. I think it's pushed me into my shell even more. Question-are all these people talking to multiple people at the same time? It feels like they are, which I'm fine with, but getting overly flirty with multiple people just feels wrong. Is that just the way it is out there? When I met my wife it was before the days of daily texting, now it just seems like everyone expects a non stop 24 hour conversation. At thirty five, am I too old fashioned for this new scene?
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

Portside

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1489 on: February 16, 2018, 08:49:22 PM »
At thirty five, am I too old fashioned for this new scene?

Hell no Adley! Simply play it like YOU want to. If you like the slower pace of conversations and texting, stick with that.

I used a spreadsheet to keep everything straight - details about each person, etc. This may sound cold but honestly, I needed to do that so as to not get mixed up and forget who said what. Remember, online dating, when you are starting off with someone is marketing, pure and simple. Put your best foot forward and don't share too much. You are just getting to know others on a very basic level. Of course, the longer you communicate with someone, you'll get into deeper levels.

Good luck - Mike

The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

jgib

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1490 on: February 17, 2018, 05:28:05 AM »
I am taking a break from it at the moment, but I get what you are saying.
I made the decision to only talk to one person at a time.  If it seemed interesting I would just tell others I was talking to someone already. 
I am not flirty until I know the direction something is going......lots don’t like that much.  The constant texting is totally trying for me as well, I have things to do!  I have been told I am tough to read because I don’t jump in with both feet, lock, stock and barrel...... I prefer to take my time, feel things out, get comfortable with things.  Not the style of many others.....

Like Portside said, do it your way.  If someone doesn’t like it, just means the fit is not there.  Good luck, you are braver then me to stick with it!

Adley

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1491 on: February 17, 2018, 10:12:17 PM »
Portside, the spreadsheet is a good idea, but it had me laughing! Maybe I'm not serious enough or don't have enough faith in that system to put forth that kind of effort. To be in contact with that many people I could see the necessity. And the marketing...I totally see it out there. I guess I'm supposed to do it too, I must have been unconsciously good at it when I was young. I dated a lot of women before I met my wife, and I can't imagine doing it now in the current situation. Maybe I'm simply not ready. I want to be friends before romantic involvement! Shooting first and asking questions later is for the young.
 Jgib, I think I've got to take a break too.ive talked to a handful of women the last couple months, and went to meet one. I've really tried to keep it just friends with all of them.The lady I drove to meet midday while the kids were at school is still texting, I'll text her tonight, but I've made it clear I need to be friends first and can't text all day....doesn't seem to have sunk in. lol I can imagine I'm detecting an icy passive aggressive tone beneath the typed words that really say "why don't you answer me back immediately?" It would be funny if it didn't seem like she's got higher expectations already. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, a big reason why I want to keep things just friendly, at least for a good while. I'm not sure I can hang with it either.
   So if I were serious enough, I'd market, but I don't want to be charming to strangers. Don't want to keep a lot of "options" out there at once. Don't want to play the all day text game either.😂  I suck! I guess I'll see what this lady has to say, I don't see it going anywhere, if I can end it without getting some kind of guilt trip maybe I can declare a small moral victory, and maybe even dare to put a toe back in the water. Thanks for all the input!
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

JeanGenie

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1492 on: February 18, 2018, 09:34:46 AM »
Okay, I can't believe I'm posting here.  I have read some of the early posts when I wasn't ready for online dating.  In the new year I activated various accounts (yes more than one).  I did not take this very seriously and just laughed at some of the initial messages I got.

Yes, there was the "hi sweetie" in a first message...total turnoff for me.  Or how when we were going to meet for coffee he couldn't wait to hold my hand and steal a kiss.  Needless to say, we never met for coffee.  Then there was the guy who said I put up more walls than Trump!  That made me laugh....and I told him he could move on.  So I was proud of myself that I was approaching this with a good sense of humor and with my eyes wide open for potential scammers.

I then met a guy a month ago.  We met for a drink and there was mutual attraction and we had good conversation and laughed a lot. He was a gentleman and asked to give me a hug that first night as he walked me to my car which I allowed him to do and we agreed we'd like to see each other again.  He was a daily texter and I definitely liked the attention.  He was sweet and we had playful flirting while at the same time he understood I was taking things slow. He was very respectful in that way.  We talked on the phone often and saw each other in person two more times over the first two weeks.  Everything he told me about himself checked out (yes, I did my online research, etc.).  I was moving very cautiously. The past two weeks we weren't able to see each other either due to work or commitments both of us had and over the past two weekends we were both away (I had the commitments as much as he did so it wasn't just him.) We talked as recent as late last week and said we were exclusive.  We stayed in touch over the weekend, including sending kissy emoticons, looking forward to a date this past Wed.

Then, for reasons I still don't know, we never got together on Wed.  He didn't commit to a time and I wasn't going to sit by the phone waiting.  We texted later in the evening and agreed to meet or talk on Thursday about what happened.  We were planning to get together Thurs evening and his text were just as sweet as they were previously. I received my last text from him at 2:30 on Thursday.  I texted him and called him Thurs PM.  Nothing.  I then sent my last text to him Friday morning.

I guess this is the *poof" thing some of you have mentioned.  It's so weird though.  If it was just texting, I could get it.  But we had seen each other several times, we talked on the phone, we both admitted there was mutual attraction.  He told me so much about himself, details that I couldn't believe he was sharing so early on in our "relationship"...and we live in the same town, we both know where each other lives, so to go "poof" is so weird because it's likely we can run into each other.

I still can't wrap my head around it. I did open my heart and I know now I can.  And as I told my closest friends who knew about him, I was so smitten and it appeared he was with me as well.  Although I thought I knew him, I did know a lot about him, but how well can you really know a person? They let you know what they want to know.

Needless to say, I've closed down my online accts for now.  I am so gun shy and hurt and sad.  I thought I did all I was supposed to do to protect my heart.  And I was so careful to not let him in.  I mean, yes, is 2 weeks or 4 weeks enough time to get to know someone?  Who knows? What is?  But knowing what I know about him, to just blow me off that way, just totally shocked me.  But I guess it's better than I know now rather than later.

Anyhow, for those of you with experience, please share your words of advise.  I'm still hurting and still glance at my phone, missing his texts or phone calls.  I know we've all been through worse and so this too will pass.  But geesh, how do you open your heart and how do you meet someone other than online.  Running into someone at church, at the grocery store, or through a mutual friend doesn't seem to be working.

On a related note, I never thought I'd be posting in this forum...being open to dating to meeting someone new.  So I guess, all in all, this is a giant step for me since I've learned I am open to meeting someone new and that I would like to have someone special in my life.  AND, as hurt as I feel today, I was VERY happy these past 4 weeks and I now know I can be that happy again and that I can feel attracted and giddy like a schoolgirl....I didn't know whether those feelings would have surface again.  So I guess I've learned, I'm open to new possibilities, which I guess is a good thing.
I miss how happy I was with you.

Portside

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1493 on: February 18, 2018, 05:35:38 PM »
JeanGenie - yeah, that stinks but, if you are able, just quickly brush yourself off and get back on the horse as it were.

I think you're right, however, that this experience has shown that you can get out and enjoy yourself and have feelings for a guy. Right, it may have not worked out but that's okay.

Now, my advice if he recontacts you is to at least require an explanation of what happened before you agree to any other get togethers. That's not out of line. I wouldn't go into a big discussion of *you hurt me, etc.* but I would pointedly let him know his conduct was rude.

But yes, it's a great thing that you now know you can be happy again and be excited seeing someone special.

Good luck! Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

kjs1989

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1494 on: February 18, 2018, 05:42:44 PM »
Wow, JG, sounds like you did everything right. It is hard to know what his issues were. I went through something similar several years ago. We got together a few times and then he blew me off. I had the start of a pretty  good crush going, too. Turned out he was seeing someone else. Thankfully, I didn't have much invested except my pride. Of course, he eventually contacted me again months later, as these types always do. By then I was seeing someone else, and even if I hadn't been I would have said no thanks...lose my number, please.

I guess the only thing I can offer is to reflect back on any red flags. I think they are always there if you really examine the situation in hindsight.  You said he shared so much early on. Hmm...flag #1? You said he constantly texted, but you enjoyed the attention. Hmmm...constant texting....flag #2?  He was very affectionate in his texting with emoticons, and perhaps words, too? Humor and banter in texting is one thing early on and is great fun, but when it gets sort of over the top kissy kissy....Hmmm....flag #3? 

I don't know. It is tough and makes us all feel like we are back in high school and college, except we would sit and stare at the phone on the wall or the desk rather than the one in our hand. Ugh. It sucks.

All I can say is, everyone I know has been there with the online thing. And most that I know eventually did meet someone special. I managed to meet someone after trial and error and lots of angst. It is doable with an open mind, sense of humor ( as you mentioned) and caution to our heart and safety.

Hang in there!!!
« Last Edit: February 18, 2018, 07:01:59 PM by kjs1989 »

Adley

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1495 on: February 19, 2018, 12:02:30 AM »
Spot on with the red flags
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

RobFTC

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1496 on: February 19, 2018, 10:32:59 AM »
I want to be friends before romantic involvement!

Just curious, why do you think this?  That can be a good way to mess things up.  You can either go down a "just friends" track, or you can act like you're not very interested in a relationship.  I don't mean that you shouldn't like the person you're dating (you need to!), or that you should rush things in any way (lordy, so many men can do that!), but just that blunting the possibility of a romantic relationship isn't a great idea.  I think you want to be open to possibilities, feel you have options, and not be committed to outcomes, but just experience things as they unfold.  You'll meet some "Nope!" people and some people will "Nope!" you, but you will eventually find something good happening.

Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

RobFTC

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1497 on: February 19, 2018, 10:52:48 AM »
I guess this is the *poof" thing some of you have mentioned.

I'm sorry JeanGenie - no fun at all.  This is crappy behaviour.  I had a ghosting happen with a local widow - she had told me she loved me on our third date, and as we were setting up the fourth date, she vanished.  I got a single "you will always be special to me" text I think two months later.  It's a chicken-shit thing to do, and it hurt, but it was good in retrospect to know that was how she rolled.  This guy might have had another relationship get serious and been too timid to say so, or just been freaked out (it does sound like things were moving fast).  He could try to come back, either apologetically or as if nothing had happened, but I think it would be best for you to not be open to anything with him.

The good news is that you know the equipment still works, and it sounds like you were paying attention to all of the right things.  Once you get involved, it's going to sting if it doesn't go forward - that's just proof that you cared.  One bad experience doesn't mean there aren't great people out there still, so when you've licked your wounds, do give it another try.  I dated a lot before I met my current paramour, and I met a lot of great people and only a few dodgy ones, and I hope you do as well in future.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

Adley

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1498 on: February 19, 2018, 02:40:14 PM »

Just curious, why do you think this?

You could well be right when it comes to online dating, I just don't have the experience to know. I think I feel that way now because nearly all my relationship experiences when I was young started out romantic and physical, and all but one (LW) turned out to be somewhat shallow in retrospect. (Not talking about real, non romantic, lady friends). It's very hard to compare life then to life now. It seems the odds were stacked against finding true love, considering my behavior then. She jerked a knot in me and straightened me back out. I reason that I could do the same thing again (jump blind and head first every time) and maybe hit the lottery and find someone to really share life, laughs, goals....but I don't want to relive my past mistakes. It just doesn't seem like a good strategy considering where I am. (In case we're talking about two different things, see "man ho" lol.) I no longer have the don't-give-a-damn temperament required, and if it weren't for biology, I wouldn't even have the inclination.
  Romance needs spontaneity; but I don't even want romance if it means I have to get too spontaneous with too many women. Not again. That's a hell of a conundrum, I agree. On one hand, once two people find one another attractive and share some meaningful conversation and a laugh or two, the man better make a move for a kiss. If you don't, you're on the friendship track before long, whether that's what you wanted or not. At least that was my early twenties experience. So as a young man, after a few missed opportunities, my young man's logic(oxymoron) said go for it, ask questions later. That's a good way to mess things up, too. I stumbled upon balance once, and have no idea how.
   It'd be nice if something good happens, it's just the only dating path I've traveled isn't one I want to revisit. I know that's a mess. Thanks for listening!
Here's to my pretty young wife     sleepin amongst the stars           now they say what's hers is mine but I know what's ours is ours

RobFTC

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #1499 on: February 19, 2018, 11:30:11 PM »
Hi Adley,

I think you're conflating a few things, and I'm not sure my comments helped.  Let's see:

First, headlong-into-disaster isn't going to work for you any better now than it did when you were younger ;-), so no, you needn't do that.  Mainly, slow down.  Guys can find a good woman and be ready for it to be real in days, and that's just not good.

Second, you want to make it clear what you're looking for without acting like the woman in front of you is the only possible person to supply it - you both need some time to "audition" and know how the "fit" goes.  My main point was that acting like you Just Want A Friend will likely work way too well.  When I was friendly and didn't know how to create sparks, I was hip-deep in friendly women who didn't see me as more.  A good way to not get too attached is sometimes to date multiple women who interest you (which can also help you figure out what you want).  If you are honest about things and aren't trying to sleep with multiple people, it's not that bad except for remembering who told you they didn't like beer or loved purple. So that spreadsheet could prove handy! :-)

Third, online is just a way to make the initial connection - nothing happens until you're in front of the person and you can actually test check out your chemistry.  Messaging and phone calls don't work as well (though a little of that is OK as a sanity check), so try to just get to a coffee date.  If they don't feel right or don't respond to you the way you want, it's "oh well" and "next".  If you are both interested, cool, but see my first point again about pace!

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.