On line dating vents and laughs......

[TormentedTwoStep]

Like most here, I've been out on several dates with great ladies, but sadly none has really clicked with me.  Typically if a first date goes well enough, good conversation, etc., I will ask for a second date to get a better read figuring the next one all the nerves will have subsided and I can tell if we'll have any chemistry.  So, it's usually been two dates, no spark, and I typically call the day after the date, thank them for their time and great company, and express my regrets that I don't think we're quite right for a match.  Game over, and most of these ladies have remained casual friends.  A couple of them have let me off the hook after several dates, and the same thing happens.  They are very kind and gracious, we still chat from time to time, but there's no romantic intention and I don't take it personal.

But I have one that I went out with twice, we seemed to click, we know a lot of the same people, run in similar circles, but a week after the second date, I just couldn't conjure up any feelings for her and decided to call her and graciously move on.  I thought it went well.  She texts me last night to ask if I thought we may ever have a chance at getting together, should she wait to see if I healed more, are we just friends or just on hold, etc.  What?

I texted back a lengthy response, told her I didn't see her in a romantic light and regretted it since she's smart, charming, adventurous, great personality and very beautiful-but I just couldn't manufacture the chemistry.

No return text, complete radio silence.  So let me ask the women-how do you prefer to be let off the hook?  I don't ghost, I don't lead on, I don't give false hope, I'm frank, but at the same time very gentle and gracious.  Can I get some pointers for if I every find myself in this situation again?

[Captains wife]

TTS- honestly I do something similar with guys- some take it well, say I get it and sometimes ask if I ever want to grab drinks as friends, others don't take it well. Honestly, I prefer honesty (even if it's disappointment news) vs ghosting. Don't take it personally that some dates aren't taking it well - you are being honest and a gentleman here. Throwing in a few compliments is always an easier let down too. Amended to add- you don't need to give them several rounds of explanations.

[TalksToAngels]

I don't think there's such thing as "friends" on a dating site. This is a major problem for me, as the "friends thing" turns out to be exes and FWB's. Dated and had several relationships from the sites where these friends came out of the woodwork and the oh I didn't tell you's ?
To the point of getting myself ill over it. And no one is worth losing your dignity over.
M2J I wouldn't give him a second glance or even respond. Aggressor ? Sure, I tie you down and strip you naked and then videotape it for FB. ((Next..))
CW you don't need ghosters, or explanations, you are too kind and upfront and deserve the same.
T2S I couldn't help w it I have the same issues. Telling someone they are not really a good match, either nicely or not, sometimes induces an angry reply. Honesty is best, but it's a dating jungle these days and times. Going home from a nice date to find the other person back on line immediately and constantly means they are players, the date didn't go as well as we may have hoped. Time to move on.

[SimiRed]

Tormented, I think you handled telling your dates that the relationship won't go any further perfectly.  You're honest, mature and sensitive to them by not "ghosting" or just vanishing without a trace.  Honesty is the best policy, I'm sure telling someone "I'm not interested" is a bit uncomfortable, but it does give the other person closure. 

I agree with Captains Wife and TalkstoAngels, no long winded explanation is needed.

As long as you are being yourself, you are not doing anything wrong.

[TormentedTwoStep]

Thanks for the support, all.  I've had a couple ladies tell me over the phone, and one in person that I'm just not their cup of tea.  Great!  Thank you for being honest and not allowing me to get my hopes up or waste my time!  I'd even rather have someone get up in the middle of a date if it's going nowhere, excuse themselves and wish my a nice life.  I never take it personal.  What I do take personal is the flakey ones that give me a case of the heebie jeebies, I politely dismiss, and they get crazy upset and act like I've torn up the marriage license. 

I mean, she told me she quit her career in nursing to live out her passion of driving an ice cream truck.  For real.  I put on my oversized clown shoes and pedaled my unicycle right outta there  .  Why do I attract crazy?

[momtokam]

Yes, honesty over the "Poof" every time!
Why do people have a problem with honesty. Come on, we are grown ups right?

Oh wait....forgot some may not know what being a grown up is all about!

[BrokenHeart2]

Wow, after reading all this I am no where near ready to date.  Ugh

[Momtojandj]

Here's a question... Anyone I have dated really has been in real life meeting. The few dates I've done online , were usually one and done. So.. Isn't purpose of dating is to date one person , and see where it goes? Or do most online people just multi date ? Guy I had date with , is still dating others. Yes I could too , but if purpose is to have a relationship , wouldn't you want to see how one pans out ? Confused lol  interested in opinions

[RobFTC]

Momtojandj, I think I see good reasons and bad reasons to date multiple people.

The good: Many people just out on the market don't know what they want, or perhaps what their choices are now.  If they have to figure that out by focusing on just one partner at a time, it can take a very long time.  If you can find a better match by figuring out what you want, dating multiple people until someone stands out can be good.

The bad: If people are either very picky or focus on the richness of choices out there (or both!) the "just click next" thing is too compelling.  I think there's a whole lot of people out there looking for purple unicorns, and a beautiful horse without that horn on their head or sporting a different colour need not apply.

I think dating multiple people can be OK as long as people are honest and can talk about wanting or not wanting an exclusive relationship.  I think people do better if they slow down and don't expect to know the outcome right away, which can give time for more than one set of dates.  If you have The Talk, and the both break off with the runners-up and hide dating profiles, no harm done (he says hopefully).

By preferring one at a time, might you be trying for exclusivity too soon, or do you just feel overwhelmed by juggling too many people?

Take care,
Rob T

[Momtojandj]

Rob, purple unicorns .. Funny .
I feel overwhelmed , I barely can keep straight my life ,two kids , two dogs.. I am sure I would get two or more people mixed up.. As in which one had three kids ? Who was going away ?  Maybe I should try dating a few.. O wait I would have to have more than one sane person interested at a time .. 😜

[TalksToAngels]

I've found 95% plus on dating sites are not ready for any commitment. I've seen it all, from the serial daters to the ones hiding they are married or looking to upgrade. Dating sites are for dating, thus this gives the impression that relationships are few and far. I thought I knew several nice people, even after over a year that I thought we were a couple, only to find hidden agendas, threatening exes calling my phone, and people looking for comfort and security, something that should establish itself over time, not a pot of gold at the end of purple unicorn rainbows. 3 date rule.
If you don't find honesty trust, and someone who actually finds you irresistible, MTFO,
I won't go down that path again..

[Virgo]

I've avoided this topic because I have not checked out online dating sites, but I was curious about your dating experiences. It's interesting how some of these topics have come up with other friends who are dating. Going ghost, feeling like high school, immaturity, booty calls, on and on.

All of the guys I have dated have also mentioned that they know how to cook, are not slobs, and have great relationships with their mothers. Is that in a 'what women want' dating handbook? Not that those aren't great qualities, but for all of them to mention them on the first date is amusing to me.

Dating makes me appreciate what my husband and I had even more. All of the guys I've gone out with are good guys, so no horror stories.  Just not for me. They all still contact me.

[BrokenHeart2]

Virgo, if I ever decide to venture out there, maybe it'll be not by starting with on line daring.  Don't know if I could endure this craziness.

[Captains wife]

I met my late husband on match.com in nyc so I don't fully disregard this way to meet a potential partner. However, the key problem with online dating is that even if we are using it as a means to meet a potential lifetime partner, many on there are not - and many are not upfront about it. I have multi dated (just dating no physical) and I don't think there is anything wrong with it, as long as you are upfront about it. Dating just one person at a time could mean a long time to figure out false starts. I have also admittedly used online dating to just dip my toes in the water (about 14 months after my husband died) and see who was out there and also try dating men who weren't usually my type. This time around I am looking for a serious boyfriend but want to move slowly - so I am trying to weed out those early on who are serial daters, on the rebound, non commital etc. Not an easy task but sometimes you can tell from their profile or what they say on the phone and I try and ask the right questions without it seeming like an interview. I refuse to date anyone who is separated or fairly recently divorced - I've always had issues here. I feel if by date 5 or 6 the person you are dating is perpetually online, hasn't queried about getting exclusive then it's not a great sign. I don't want to date someone for 3 plus months if he is dating several other people. If we decide to get intimate then I would expect him not to date anyone else- if he is still online, I would move on.  I think we know several dates in if we want to see what happens and if the guy isn't there...I move on. Ps - momtojandj - I put notes in my phone to keep track of multi dates lol.

[Needytoo]

Purple unicorns, I like it. 
For a while I have been working on myself. Allowing myself to get out there and take art and exercise classes it sure beats staring at the walls at night.  I also have taken on a few extra assignments at work.  I need to have a plan for my week and to do this I sign up for these classes sometimes months in advance. 
 I tried online dating awhile back and it just didn?t work for me, and honestly I wasn?t ready for it.  This might sound a little weird but I really want to start to date but I don?t want to lose myself. I have started e-therapy and I feel pretty good about all of this.  I put up my new profile and getting replies from guys.  Some went poof, which didn?t surprise me.  One of the gents I really liked but he would give me a warning of a few hours to meet him.  I am all for meeting but giving me a few hours warning with my schedule just doesn?t work. Is this normal to do? He has gone poof.
 I made plans to meet this other guy on Saturday but wouldn?t you know it I woke up with one nasty cold and had to cancel.  We have been talking on the phone so at least he could hear it in my voice that I am sick.  We are planning to meet Thursday after my work and I am so darn nervous.  Now for my truth to come out, I am nervous because what if our coffee date takes too long.  I was planning on getting my marking done that night.  How does one manage all of this?