On line dating vents and laughs......

[klim]

uuuhm....guys....do you like whwen a lady contacts you on the online sights or do you find that forward?
I suspect this has been asked before but we're kinda on the topic.

Gals do you do much of the contacting?

[Momtojandj]

Klim... I have on occasion contacted a guy , and it's never resulted in a date .

[serpico]

uuuhm....guys....do you like whwen a lady contacts you on the online sights or do you find that forward?

I haven't been online in quite awhile but I absolutely enjoyed getting contacted by ladies. Maybe some men are completely different than me but I would never consider it too forward.

[Portside]

I've been out of the dating scene for years now. But, when I was in the trenches, I very much enjoyed being asked out by women. I found it flattering. I never turned any one down. I did my share of asking also.

I found at 50+, most of the BS surrounding dating simply went away. It was scary at times but only because it had changed so much in 30 years. Maybe I was lucky - All the women I went out with were honest, decent, no drama type people. Certainly they were not all for me, but good gals each and every one.

Mike

[Mrskro]

Klim;  I've also contacted guys online and it's never resulted in a date.   

[Captains wife]

Um - yeah, I agree with the above post.....I have never been that lucky asking guys out or even have them replying to me when I show I am interested. I have therefore tended to sit back and wait for them to contact me/ask me out. I honestly don't get it sometimes...Im not that bad lol (Guess guys that I like aren't interested in me....sigh....)

[SunshineFL]

Ditto here, mrskro, captainswife, stillwidowed and momtojandj.
Trying to be "modern" and "egalitarian" (and hearing from some men on here that they appreciate it when a woman reaches out to them) - I've initiated now and again with a friendly message. While it may result in a few messages being exchanged, it has never resulted in a date with a confident and caring man and, actually, on a few occasions, was even tossed back at me with a sarcastic - "well, remember, you contacted me first" as if to belittle me in some way.  No doubt an ego boost for him, as some have suggested here.  And some men, like captainswife mentioned, never even extend the courtesy of a reply.
Minefield.
(Just my personal experiences; not blanket statements or assumptions about anyone else's personal experiences.)

[kjs1989]

I have been reading these posts and found them interesting to say the least. I had a different experience in the  game of pursuit.

I have been with the guy I met online over three years now. I contacted him first. He was indeed flattered and took the pursuit from there. I wanted some control over the situation which led me to contact the guys I was interested in and thought I had the most in common with. It worked out by far better for me than the other way around.

Ya just never know.

[SunshineFL]

He was indeed flattered and took the pursuit from there.

Ya just never know.

^^^Right there, that is the key difference. 

He stepped up and pursued you from there, made you a priority, asked you out, showed his interest, aligned his words with his actions and continued to do so. So glad you shared that wonderful experience, @kjs1989 . Happy for you - and I'd say a three year relationship sounds wonderful.

Agreed - you just never know. 

[azjane]

I contacted my boyfriend first. I wasn't actually thinking we'd have much in common but I wanted to comment on one of the things in his profile that I found awesome (didmt expect to get a response, just wanted to compliment him) and hd took it from there.

[kjs1989]

I want to add that my modus operandi in regard to dating during widowhood pretty much matches what I have done my whole life and what I tell my daughter to do.

I have never been afraid to express initial interest. Every long-term relationship I ever had was the result of me throwing the first pitch. It just worked out that way. It may be the other way around for others. That chemistry feeling seems to be so rare for me that I did not want to let it pass me by if I felt it. If he caught the pitch, great. If not, I couldn't be bothered wasting my time and I accepted that it wasn't meant to be. I hate mixed signals. It sucks for my self esteem and makes me crazy. If a guy is interested, he will pursue, or at least give you very positive signs that he wants to know more about you. He won't be willy-nilly or flakey about it. I feel really strongly about that.

I guess the bottom line is, and what I tell my daughter, is go for the guy that likes you just a little bit more than you like him in the beginning, but for whom you feel a draw. It is nice to have the upper hand just a bit,  not to play games or wreak havoc with his feelings, but just to have time to figure out if there is potential. I have found that my feelings typically grow in these situations, and that my instinct and initial attraction is usually right.

[robunknown]

I guess you could say I am a seasoned user of online dating now. As a man, my stats line up with what I have generally found online for a guy. Here is my experience. Men do most of the messaging, women do most of the sifting of emails.
I'll spend about 5 minutes writing an email to someone. It will only be 1-2 sentences. You don't need to be cleaver, if she's interested, she'll write back. I don't want someone writing back to me only because of a cleaver comment and then disappear after her one response (She was never interested in me anyways, and it just wastes my time):
- 81% of my messages go unanswered (80 messages sent)
- 15% turn into some kind of back and forth where she disappears when I propose a phone conversation or meeting
- 4% turn into actual dates

It's rare someone messages me. I'll get "likes" and "winks" that sometimes get me to write them an email. I have had only one woman contact me that ended up in a date.

My operating mode is that I don't do texting relationships. This weeds out a ton of people that are only looking for a pen pal, they disappear once you try to move it to a phone call or meet up. Within a couple of email exchanges I'll give her my number to call me to talk for a few minutes. If she calls I'll only talk for 10 minutes before I ask when she is available to go out. I'm ready with a time and place. If you waste all your conversation on emails or phone, you'll have zero to talk about when you meet up. If you tell her all about herself, that kills any curiosity she had about you.

I know people on here will say that they need more time talking to someone before they meet up. I've never had anyone say, "I'm not comfortable talking or meeting just yet", they just "poof" disappear.

This just has been my experience.

[StillWidowed]

I'm with SunshineFL as well.  The key is that he pursued.  My point wasn't who did the asking out.  My point was....is he showing interest?  Is that interest then leading to the two of you actually going on a date?  Is he following up that date with communication?   Or is he doing the equivalent of a drive by text?

Dating is tough.  Throw in the loss of a spouse, and cripes O'Malley is it tough.  When you get that spidey sense that something is off, listen to your gut.  Too many times we want to give the benefit of the doubt.  I'm not saying hit the flush handle right away, but step back, pay attention, and let that person unfold without getting attached too soon.  Then if you need to, you can opt out with less damage to your heart.

[Abitlost]

I always had my profile in "private" mode I think it was called where no one could see me unless I contacted him first, so yes I made all the first moves. I had so many dates I can't even count.

[klim]

I do make contact with guys first and some guys make contact with me first.

Here's the funny part: when I pull up the" you made contact first" page with all the thumbnail pictures and compare it with the "they made contact first" page there's a few things I notice

1) people who want me are way older than the ones I want...by an average of 10 years....(and I'm not choosing young'ns, I do tend to choose  my own age).
2) the visuals are more pleasing on the page where I make first contact.....so I guess those profile pics are important.