Author Topic: On line dating vents and laughs......  (Read 161049 times)

klim

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #630 on: July 25, 2016, 08:52:44 AM »
well semperfedelis it sounds like you had both extremes a really really rotten one and one that might be working out.

ok so if a person doesn't have picture on their profile how do you ask for one ...I just feel like I seem shallow if I want a pic. And I've already been involved in a conversation so if the pic shows up and I don't like what I see how do I back out gracefully( guess I am shallow).... This should not be this difficult!

Captains wife

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #631 on: July 25, 2016, 09:19:28 AM »
I am back in the mix after another false start - next !

Back on Match.com and a guy who ghosted on me in round 1 (who I thought I would get along very well with) contacted me again and explained the reason he cancelled our date after our phone call was that I mentioned that I had white carpeting in my house so didn't have a dog in my house so for that reason - and therefore he jumped to the conclusion that we wouldn't be compatible. And that since then he had "thought about me alot" and wondered if we could "say hi" sometime as its better to meet someone in person. Geesh, you think ?? I politely replied back that it was a shame we didn't meet up as I thought we would get along very well and actually I love dogs and it was the prior owners that put the carpeting in the house, not me. And I was trying to preserve the integrity of the house as I may wish to sell at some point. And, I wished him well : ) 
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 09:28:20 AM by Captains wife »

Momtojandj

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #632 on: July 25, 2016, 11:04:19 AM »
Captains wife.. You handled the guy great ! What a nut .. I'm over here rolling my eyes at his reasoning for ghosting on you .
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

arneal

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #633 on: July 25, 2016, 12:35:55 PM »
Semper! So sorry for your early loss ... I get it, having been 30 when the first husband died (another story for another time ... I think I've told it elsewhere on here though). I love your clowns and circus analogy! Perfect!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

arneal

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #634 on: July 25, 2016, 12:48:29 PM »
klim - great question! On one of the sites I visit regularly, there is an option to choose to see messages and such from those who have photos. I go into the 'not matching your profile' section of my messages to see what's up in case there's an interesting profile in there. Most often, it's like there's nothing on the profile at all, dude is so far from what I said I was interested in, or he wants to text/IM rather than send messages on the site. I ask for photos and if I don't get one at least (which I promptly do a search for to see if he might be legit as a first step), I delete and don't respond -- after all, if you can't send a photo or acknowledge that I asked for one, that's rude! I have about five photos on my profile, so there it is. Secondly, I have him send me his # first. I do a search on it and ask if the #s location doesn't match where he says he's from. People travel -- I get that. However, some of these ehem, gentlemen, don't know how to respond. I've had a few get offended (delete), others not answer (delete), still others who say they have family wherever the other place is and they don't want to lose touch (delete -- even though I get it that some people don't have long distance, but that's less common these days), and some who say they just moved or it's a work # (sometimes give a chance for more conversation). Bottom line is if someone isn't willing to give up more info when you ask (and you're asking because you want to know more about them before opening yourself up), it's probably not worth going too deep.

CaptainsWife - wow ... what a lame excuse to ghost! I too am rolling my eyes all over the place. I have light carpets and dogs. Yes, after having had three puppies in this place, they are a mess: clean but stained from spills and such. I need to rent a rug doctor or something and I shared that with the guy I have gone out with before he came over here. When he got here, he looked around and made fun of me because I had told him not to judge my organized chaos of a house -- said it was lived in and neat. You know that got big browny points straight away :) Another time, he asked if I'd been cleaning and when I said no, he looked surprised. He's never had a problem sitting on dog hairy couches and always says no when I offer to put the covers on. As an aside, we got together this past weekend to see a movie and have dinner. Fabulous time. We might be inching closer to a um ... more personal connection. At least I hope so. I'll leave a sordid hints for the kagill thread though when the time is right LOL!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

nonesuch

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #635 on: July 25, 2016, 01:00:03 PM »
NG told me when a woman wears her matching bra and underwear, she is open to sex on the date.

By the time a man could determine I was wearing matching panties and bra, we'd had a conversation about sex.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 01:01:42 PM by nonesuch »

SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #636 on: July 25, 2016, 04:30:58 PM »
Klim, wow, kudos to you being brave talking to someone without a picture. To me that's forbidden territory. Partly on the basis of shallowness and partly on the basis of just wanting a face to a name.....even when I am talking to co-workers IRL, if they are talking about other people  in their lives outside work, I find it super helpful whenever I get a visual to the characters in their lives.... I can somehow be a better listener that way lol. 
I am always a fan of the direct route though, if I was in your position I would be directly asking for a picture in the grounds of curiosity or having a face to a name. Or I would be so curious about their reason for opting out of a profile picture that I would ask why they choose to do so and throw in an "on that note, May I request a picture of you?" or something like that.




SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #637 on: July 25, 2016, 06:22:58 PM »
All right. This is a long one, on my successful-so-far ch2 that I met online.

Husband died in July 2015.....I went numb, hard and fast.
 I was quick to look at the freaks on online dating websites. Like within the first couple weeks. I didn't make contact but I was very curious what was in my now radically altered future. It also distracted me from my reality. So over the next three months I would alternate between deactivating and reactivating my profile.....I changed the content a lot too. Like a lot of things from that timeframe in my life, I don't remember a lot from my online dating. I spent my time on match.... Okc had a poor selection and I tried some other site that ended up being a scam.

Apparently ch2 had messaged me during my first creation of the profile in July. I have no memory of it... I had ignored his note a long with everyone else's. But we didn't start talking until he messaged me again in September.  I received and ignored messages from virtually all other guys. One guy toI'd me I should change my profile pic to a different pic. I was too nice and said "yeah I like that one too, and was just thinking of changing it to that one too" but I never changed it. He messaged a couple weeks later complaining that I didn't change my profile pic. Lol. I just thought that was funny. I assume he was not really trying for a date.

Anyway. Ch2 succeeded in getting me to reply to his message in september(a 2nd attempt). His opening line was a line of condolences about my husband. Now, let's be clear. His profile was utterly boring. And his pictures left a lot to be desired.....I did not find him attractive AT ALL. But I am a rational thinker....so when he sent the condolence note, I thought to myself "hmmm.... This says something about his character" and that is ultimately what I am after in a partner...... nothing else matters without solid character. So somehow I replied and we had some unremarkable conversation about a common interest(guns). But in that unremarkable conversation I learned something about him that got my attention and was a selling point for me(he is a former LEO). But I still felt like I really had to make myself respond to him.....the issue of being boring in his profile and of being ugly were strong deterrents to me. I thought "who is this guy? Why are we talking?" lol. But I had to remind myself to just give him a chance.....he clearly has a decent heart based on his initial message. And also guts to send that as a first note. I judge by actions, and his seemed solid so far. So I am really glad that I gave him a chance. We exchanged phone numbers (uncomfortable for me) and began texting..... I have never been a texter but it's far more palatable to me than a phone convo. I hate speaking on the phone for a myriad of reasons....I would really rather just talk face to face and have all the nonverbal feedback. So Anyway, we played 20 questions for a couple weeks, staying up way past our bedtimes. And we met for dinner one evening when our schedules lined up.

Folks, this is one of the kindest, most sane, and utterly respectful human beings I have ever met. And simultaneously without sacrificing masculinity. When I sat down across from him I just thought "oh my god. this guy is SO normal!!" it was actually uncomfortable for me BUT I knew  logically it was a good fit for me to be with someone so similar to me in temperament...I had never encountered that before. The context is that my life has been very chaotic and crazy with the husband....I was a full time caregiver to my erratic and chaotic husband who was permanently and totally disabled by PTSD from the war in Iraq. I was the calm while he was the storm 24/7. And this ch2, he is also calm like me.... Very level headed like me..... It is still so novel and interesting to be with someone who is so solid and sane. Oh and did I mention he was super handsome in person? Totally just  unphotogenic.

He didn't make any moves that first date. My experience with men in the past (when I guess I was very young and single, 18-21) was that men always had an agenda and that agenda was made clear early on. This ch2, I thought he might not even be interested in me because he was so polite. He wasn't gunning to get physical. I actually wondered if maybe he was just one of those men who had NO sex drive or maybe his ship just didn't sail. By his words, he just wanted to do things the right way.

I also learned prior to meeting him that his ex was a widow(also to suicide). So none of the crazy things I have been through were a shock to him, nor did they make him uncomfortable.

When my car needed a very expensive repair, he volunteered to do it feee. When my goat barn was gushing water through the roof in the winter, he drove out to my house and secured tarps to it while I was at work. When I my elliptical needed a repair and my chimney needed to be swept, I entrusted him with a key to my house to get it done while I was at work. And I have cameras....so yes, he was being tested. All this happened within the first three months together. He has consistently demonstrated outstanding character. 
And can you believe this gem found me online?

Okay now here where it gets weird/difficult. Because of my life experiences, I do not trust. I basically always feel prepared to find out that I have been manipulated, used, lied to, etc.... So this was hard.

If you read a few posts up, you see I ran a background check on another guy and found out he had been charged with attempted murder. I did a background check on ch2 and it came back clean. But I also do reverse image searches and I googled his name, with clean results. And also I googled his email handle when he gave it to me two months in. The latter item yielded some....very interesting results.

*sigh* I found profiles on sex hookup websites like adult friend finder, and others(swingers). AFF didn't have pics but did have all the "online one day ago" stuff which I know is not legit because of how these websites operate. Ultimately I learned that these profiles we all make get sold and republished elsewhere(the AFF website was found indentically on about 15 other websites who have a nearly identical format, clearly a situation where profiles are being bought and sold and used to lure in newbies)..... If in fact he created a sex profile, I understand he may not have touched it in many years. There were no photos on AFF, but on another swingers website there is a naked (no face) pic that does appear to be him from a long time ago (no tattoos and different bathroom). He denies it is him. He also thought it is reasonable someone else has his handle and matching stats.....which seems insane to me. But then the DOB was confirmed as matching.   SO he maintains vehemently that he has NEVER created any of these profiles. His train of thought is that his ex made them....maybe to make him look bad in court, who knows.  And from what he has told me about his wacko ex before this issue ever came up, it IS consistent and plausible as something she could have done(her late husband and her were swingers...and she is also pretty mentally unstable).... I also do not see the profiles as consistent with his sexual conduct and/or functioning with me( TMI but he really had to get to know me before his anatomy worked...I think he is too tightly wound of a person to be comfortable and functional with  a casual sexual encounter).  This has been a very difficult trust hurdle for me to clear...and I may not be over it completely. But I have had to hold up and compare the profiles with who he is with me every day and face to face. Ultimately I am learning that trust is a choice and I have chosen to trust him - though I accept I could be wrong, but the risk is worth it. And if he made the profiles years ago(one was dated as created and active in 2009), then I just have to accept that as part of his past and focus on what is before me now.

Anyway. Sorry this was so long.and sorry if this belongs in a thread of its own. Let me know if it does. I am still new here.
« Last Edit: July 25, 2016, 06:25:40 PM by SemperFidelis »

Needytoo

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #638 on: July 26, 2016, 06:45:34 AM »
Wish I could give you advice SemperFidelis but I have nothing.  I too am trying to be able to open up and really trust people too. 

Was chatting with this one guy, it really seemed great.  Got a message yesterday from him saying I seem normal but he is overwhelmed right now and his friends are hooking him up with some blind dates.  Good for him, not so great for me. 

Chatting with another fellow.  Again another guy who asks what I do for a living before even knowing my name.  I get it, way too many welfare people in our area but shouldn't you ask what your name is first.  He said he is self-employed and I asked for hints on what he does and he gave me no reply.  Red flag? 

Had another message from one - legged man again. 

Adding to my list of things to get "matching bras and panties". lol

Captains wife

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #639 on: July 27, 2016, 11:03:39 AM »
I am getting creeped out by online guys asking too many personal questions too early via email...and I'm call screening anyone that asks me out. I should have seen the red flags that accompanied that last guy I dated and have since broken up with...for some guys its all about the chase and they can be really obsessive at first. (Ex guy I dated texted me a pic once of his office (early on in the relationship) and I noticed when I looked closely at his work computer that my FB page was up in the background..ugh).
« Last Edit: July 27, 2016, 11:05:26 AM by Captains wife »

arneal

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #640 on: July 27, 2016, 11:54:34 AM »
Thanks for sharing, Semper -- I love how you are caring for yourself in this process. It is so difficult! Yikes, Captains Wife -- you saw your own FB page?! Were you and he friends on there? I guess I wouldn't mind if we were friends and he sent the pic because he was on FB and was thinking of me ... Needy -- I'm with you. Trust is so hard, especially if you've been duped somehow. I tend not to be trusting in general, which is contradictory to how I'd like to be. I enjoy being a free spirit and having to be on guard all the time just sucks. I am trying my best to be chill with the guy I met (not even sure if it's okay to say 'seeing' since we haven't labeled ourselves ... have been spending some kind of time almost every weekend since late May, outside of our respective work times) but have been open to text messages. Two guys have ghosted on me; they were creeping me out a bit. This last one is hanging in there. Not sure about him yet. He seems in a hurry for us to be an 'us', even though he doesn't live close. I know long distance things happen but I'm not really down for it. Especially since I like this other guy. See? So difficult ...
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #641 on: July 27, 2016, 08:06:47 PM »
Captains Wife, I love your attention to detail.....catching that guys open "you page" on his screen is impressive. Most people don't catch those little things.

Needytoo

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #642 on: July 28, 2016, 06:47:14 AM »
The no photo thing is a hard one but I do know some females that have done this because they just don't feel it is a good idea to have their pictures posted online for professional reasons.

The one guy who said he is taking a break from online dating was online yesterday.  Not really any of my business but when a person tells you one thing and then shows it is a lie it is very hard to trust.   

On the weekend I got my tarot cards and a physic reading both pointed to a new relationship.  The psychic said it is going to be a relationship that is going to take time to develop and the man is much older than me while the tarot cards she felt it is going to come within two months.  Of course I am not totally buying into all this I just do it for entertainment. But...........

Yesterday one legged man messaged me. He appeared very honest why he stood me up (two times).  He is worried about our age difference etc. he is 60 I am 49.  Have no idea where to go from here, still stuck on the trust thing.

Wow Captains Wife I would be a little creeped out by that guy. 


klim

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #643 on: July 28, 2016, 09:01:12 AM »
The open FB page thing...I admit to trying to find the guys on facebook if I know their name!  More info for me!

opinions please....guy wants to meet for drinks...I'm fine with that ....then he says on his deck....I say no....maybe another time. Next day...we agree for later that day....after I drop my son back to uni I text and ask where should we meet....He says he's in his hotub and I should come join him....I say no....he works on convincing me he is harmless....I say no, not appropriate for a first meeting.
This morning he says ok TIM Horton's then.if he hadn't have tried tose other moves I probably would have said yes....but now I think it's a no.

Forgottenwife

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #644 on: July 28, 2016, 09:46:02 AM »
....then he says on his deck....I say no....   He says he's in his hotub and I should come join him....I say no....he works on convincing me he is harmless....I say no, not appropriate for a first meeting.

Yuck. I said no to a few of these men and simply never looked back. He sounds pushy, and rude. I am certain you can do much better. No means no, not just keep trying to sweet talk me. Yuck.