All right. This is a long one, on my successful-so-far ch2 that I met online.
Husband died in July 2015.....I went numb, hard and fast.
I was quick to look at the freaks on online dating websites. Like within the first couple weeks. I didn't make contact but I was very curious what was in my now radically altered future. It also distracted me from my reality. So over the next three months I would alternate between deactivating and reactivating my profile.....I changed the content a lot too. Like a lot of things from that timeframe in my life, I don't remember a lot from my online dating. I spent my time on match.... Okc had a poor selection and I tried some other site that ended up being a scam.
Apparently ch2 had messaged me during my first creation of the profile in July. I have no memory of it... I had ignored his note a long with everyone else's. But we didn't start talking until he messaged me again in September. I received and ignored messages from virtually all other guys. One guy toI'd me I should change my profile pic to a different pic. I was too nice and said "yeah I like that one too, and was just thinking of changing it to that one too" but I never changed it. He messaged a couple weeks later complaining that I didn't change my profile pic. Lol. I just thought that was funny. I assume he was not really trying for a date.
Anyway. Ch2 succeeded in getting me to reply to his message in september(a 2nd attempt). His opening line was a line of condolences about my husband. Now, let's be clear. His profile was utterly boring. And his pictures left a lot to be desired.....I did not find him attractive AT ALL. But I am a rational thinker....so when he sent the condolence note, I thought to myself "hmmm.... This says something about his character" and that is ultimately what I am after in a partner...... nothing else matters without solid character. So somehow I replied and we had some unremarkable conversation about a common interest(guns). But in that unremarkable conversation I learned something about him that got my attention and was a selling point for me(he is a former LEO). But I still felt like I really had to make myself respond to him.....the issue of being boring in his profile and of being ugly were strong deterrents to me. I thought "who is this guy? Why are we talking?" lol. But I had to remind myself to just give him a chance.....he clearly has a decent heart based on his initial message. And also guts to send that as a first note. I judge by actions, and his seemed solid so far. So I am really glad that I gave him a chance. We exchanged phone numbers (uncomfortable for me) and began texting..... I have never been a texter but it's far more palatable to me than a phone convo. I hate speaking on the phone for a myriad of reasons....I would really rather just talk face to face and have all the nonverbal feedback. So Anyway, we played 20 questions for a couple weeks, staying up way past our bedtimes. And we met for dinner one evening when our schedules lined up.
Folks, this is one of the kindest, most sane, and utterly respectful human beings I have ever met. And simultaneously without sacrificing masculinity. When I sat down across from him I just thought "oh my god. this guy is SO normal!!" it was actually uncomfortable for me BUT I knew logically it was a good fit for me to be with someone so similar to me in temperament...I had never encountered that before. The context is that my life has been very chaotic and crazy with the husband....I was a full time caregiver to my erratic and chaotic husband who was permanently and totally disabled by PTSD from the war in Iraq. I was the calm while he was the storm 24/7. And this ch2, he is also calm like me.... Very level headed like me..... It is still so novel and interesting to be with someone who is so solid and sane. Oh and did I mention he was super handsome in person? Totally just unphotogenic.
He didn't make any moves that first date. My experience with men in the past (when I guess I was very young and single, 18-21) was that men always had an agenda and that agenda was made clear early on. This ch2, I thought he might not even be interested in me because he was so polite. He wasn't gunning to get physical. I actually wondered if maybe he was just one of those men who had NO sex drive or maybe his ship just didn't sail. By his words, he just wanted to do things the right way.
I also learned prior to meeting him that his ex was a widow(also to suicide). So none of the crazy things I have been through were a shock to him, nor did they make him uncomfortable.
When my car needed a very expensive repair, he volunteered to do it feee. When my goat barn was gushing water through the roof in the winter, he drove out to my house and secured tarps to it while I was at work. When I my elliptical needed a repair and my chimney needed to be swept, I entrusted him with a key to my house to get it done while I was at work. And I have cameras....so yes, he was being tested. All this happened within the first three months together. He has consistently demonstrated outstanding character.
And can you believe this gem found me online?
Okay now here where it gets weird/difficult. Because of my life experiences, I do not trust. I basically always feel prepared to find out that I have been manipulated, used, lied to, etc.... So this was hard.
If you read a few posts up, you see I ran a background check on another guy and found out he had been charged with attempted murder. I did a background check on ch2 and it came back clean. But I also do reverse image searches and I googled his name, with clean results. And also I googled his email handle when he gave it to me two months in. The latter item yielded some....very interesting results.
*sigh* I found profiles on sex hookup websites like adult friend finder, and others(swingers). AFF didn't have pics but did have all the "online one day ago" stuff which I know is not legit because of how these websites operate. Ultimately I learned that these profiles we all make get sold and republished elsewhere(the AFF website was found indentically on about 15 other websites who have a nearly identical format, clearly a situation where profiles are being bought and sold and used to lure in newbies)..... If in fact he created a sex profile, I understand he may not have touched it in many years. There were no photos on AFF, but on another swingers website there is a naked (no face) pic that does appear to be him from a long time ago (no tattoos and different bathroom). He denies it is him. He also thought it is reasonable someone else has his handle and matching stats.....which seems insane to me. But then the DOB was confirmed as matching. SO he maintains vehemently that he has NEVER created any of these profiles. His train of thought is that his ex made them....maybe to make him look bad in court, who knows. And from what he has told me about his wacko ex before this issue ever came up, it IS consistent and plausible as something she could have done(her late husband and her were swingers...and she is also pretty mentally unstable).... I also do not see the profiles as consistent with his sexual conduct and/or functioning with me( TMI but he really had to get to know me before his anatomy worked...I think he is too tightly wound of a person to be comfortable and functional with a casual sexual encounter). This has been a very difficult trust hurdle for me to clear...and I may not be over it completely. But I have had to hold up and compare the profiles with who he is with me every day and face to face. Ultimately I am learning that trust is a choice and I have chosen to trust him - though I accept I could be wrong, but the risk is worth it. And if he made the profiles years ago(one was dated as created and active in 2009), then I just have to accept that as part of his past and focus on what is before me now.
Anyway. Sorry this was so long.and sorry if this belongs in a thread of its own. Let me know if it does. I am still new here.
