Author Topic: On line dating vents and laughs......  (Read 145654 times)

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 647
    • The Starving Activist
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #750 on: August 15, 2016, 11:43:50 AM »
Thank you for sharing your story, patswife ... you are right about each of us knowing when we feel ready to have someone in our lives again. And even when we think we know, it may not be right. I had that moment of panic a while ago and it was precipitated by a person I was texting who asked me if I felt ready for a relationship. I hadn't actually thought about 'being ready' until he asked. The problem was, he was trying to press me to meet. I need to decide those things on my own terms. As you said, I was in the wind quick with him :)

The guy I am talking to now was different. There was something about our initial online chats and the first phone conversation. I knew right then I wanted to meet him and we set it up at a place I knew that was about halfway between us for two days later.

I had an epiphany about dating the other day. This is really my first experience that I would call dating. With my first and second husbands, we were in close proximity to each other -- first husband worked as a contracted driver at the university where I was a student so out of seven days, we probably saw each other five or six days even when before we started talking. My second husband and I worked at the same college and saw each other about five days a week as well. I was reading some info on how to conduct yourself in dating situations and one of the things the writer mentioned was giving yourself time to miss one another. I didn't realize how it worked after my previous two relationships that seemed to develop quickly -- it wasn't that they developed quickly, it was that we were always around each other! With ng, we typically see each other on the weekend because we work weird schedules, text after a date, and then text again maybe mid-week to say hello and figure out what we want to do the coming weekend. It is an interesting experience that is teaching me a lot. I had to consider that since the end of May, we've seen each other about every weekend except maybe one or two, so the progression in our connection to one another is pretty appropriate ...

Yes, patswife -- learning experience is the perfect term!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #751 on: August 15, 2016, 12:51:32 PM »
Patswife, thank you for posting your story. I found it very interesting. I love the lack of hesitation in introducing his family, so cool!

Arneal, I hear ya on the dating thing. Things with my husband also progressed quickly, and we committed to each other rapidly.....me working two days per week and him being medically retired, I feel like I spent more time with him in our 6years than many couples do in 20years. When I was married, I never understood why other unmarried couples I knew didn't tie the knot faster.... I thought "shi*t or get off the pot". But I just didn't know anything else. Anyway, its really weird and new to be moving at such a slow pace with new guy. I understand those people now who are dating or engaged for years before marrying. A slow pace is good for me now.....and gosh the dynamic is just soooo different.

MrsDan

  • Member
  • Posts: 470
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #752 on: August 15, 2016, 02:34:25 PM »
In general the profile leads a guy to come to the idea that you are on an ongoing quest for self-improvement and that this is important to you. While, I think we can all agree that is a wonderful and worthy goal, that is not what a man wants to read in a profile. I know, I know – what could be wrong with that you ask yourself. Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities. That’s girly stuff. We want to know if you would be a good fit for me. Self-centered yes, but that is how it is. A man’s take may be – after all this self-improvement stuff, she’s gonna come after me with it and he’ll run screaming from the room.

I completely disagree. This may not be what YOU care about. But it is what some men do care about. My boyfriend said that what he was really looking for was someone who had their shit together (pause for laughter at the fact that he ended up with me). But what he meant was, he was looking for someone with a good foundation or solid goals to get there. Someone who has things they are passionate about. I would definitely say he is interested in self improvement. He also does yoga and meditates.

While I believe one should keep the person they are trying to attract in mind, I don't believe those things are as gendered as you do. I think you should write your profile with the person who are trying to attract in mind. If self improvement is important to her, why on Earth would she want to go out with someone who doesn't care about her self improvement? Or who only cares about what a potential partner can offer them? That sounds completely unappealing to me. You're operating from the assumption that those are the only type of guys available.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

SemperFidelis

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #753 on: August 15, 2016, 03:29:24 PM »
Portside, I liked reading your feedback. Mostly because it basically summarized how I felt about a lot of men's profiles on Match.

When I was on Match, I saw a lot of men's profiles that had self-improvement bits too....meditation, yoga whatever. For me, I steered clear of those. Even though I am sure they are wonderful men with a lot to offer, I don't have the emotional energy to be a part of someone's spiritual quest. It also makes me feel like if I got serious with that person then they might ditch me in the name of self improvement and enlightenment.

So I think MrsDan is onto something. There are indeed men who are minded like Needytoo.

MrsDan

  • Member
  • Posts: 470
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #754 on: August 15, 2016, 03:41:28 PM »
One thing that really aggravated me were all the guys who were looking for "active" women. Women who lived lives of non-stop excitement. One guy even said, "You'd better keep up." I'm a mom. My life is not exciting. I feel like anyone can appear fun when you're in a fun setting doing fun things. Sort of like The Bachelor, where they are always in these exotic locales. The people you can bring joy and fun to the everyday, to real life, that's who makes a good partner in my opinion. Someone you're perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with. With my boyfriend, I was honest, and the fact that he didn't run away when he'd ask about my weekend and I'd talk about how I did my cooking for the week, is pretty telling.
You are the Bear of my heart dear,
And nothing can take that away.

SemperFidelis

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #755 on: August 15, 2016, 04:42:53 PM »
One thing that really aggravated me were all the guys who were looking for "active" women. Women who lived lives of non-stop excitement. One guy even said, "You'd better keep up." I'm a mom. My life is not exciting. I feel like anyone can appear fun when you're in a fun setting doing fun things. Sort of like The Bachelor, where they are always in these exotic locales. The people you can bring joy and fun to the everyday, to real life, that's who makes a good partner in my opinion. Someone you're perfectly content to do absolutely nothing with. With my boyfriend, I was honest, and the fact that he didn't run away when he'd ask about my weekend and I'd talk about how I did my cooking for the week, is pretty telling.

Yeah, I found those type of profiles to be pretty fishy. I am insanely active myself, but I don't give a rip whether my partner is active with me or without me or not at all. It doesn't tell me anything about who that person is REALLY deep down.  Anyone can do fun stuff together....but like you pointed out, it's the downtime compatibility that matters most.

I will admit, when men would state in profiles they were seeking active women, I couldn't help have the hunch they might just be looking for a certain physique.....not sure.

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 647
    • The Starving Activist
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #756 on: August 15, 2016, 05:55:46 PM »
I had to laugh about the activity report on a profile because I made sure to say I was going to the gym regularly and was hoping for someone who shared an enjoyment for being fit. I just started going after my husband died because I work a sedentary job and it showed  :P I wanted to put it out there that I was a work in progress and wanted someone who could appreciate that. As it turns out, ng sustained a back injury and lost quite a bit of muscle tone (so he says ... guess I'm just partial because he looks just fine to me lol). He appreciates talking about ways he can get back into strength training and all that so not having a gym partner was certainly not a deal breaker for me. I also stayed away from the profiles where the guy did everything from biking to kayaking to skydiving, etc. If you've got all that going on, I'd never be able to keep up with these knees! And as far as excitement? Not here. I work from home, try to pay my bills, and take care of my dogs  ;D However, ng is pretty low key as well and since I do pretty okay in the kitchen and his ex didn't cook, I've gotten brownie points there! It's about figuring out how you connect with someone. How can we relate to one another in a positive way that brings joy to us both.
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

RobFTC

  • Member
  • Posts: 455
  • Lost Michelle to ovarian cancer 2010/11/07
    • Celtic Journeys radio show
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #757 on: August 15, 2016, 10:34:30 PM »
Rightly or wrongly, most men don’t care about that. We aren’t interested in your self-growth. Oh, it is certainly a commendable way to live, but guys don’t want to hear about your yoga or meditation activities.

Men are, by and large, simple creatures who don’t want to read a profile that causes them to ponder more questions than it answers.

Hey, what's not to like about yoga? :-)

I guess I am not as simple as you, Mike.  I have been paying some attention to a relatively new site that seems to be on the rise, MeetMindful.com, which is aimed at people who are a little more thoughtful and comtemplative.  Less makeup, more granola, more Birkenstocks, that sort of thing.  I'd have to head to Boulder to do really well on that site, but it is interesting.

As always, not all of us fit the stereotypes.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

tybec

  • Member
  • Posts: 261
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #758 on: August 16, 2016, 08:44:39 AM »
Just wanted to say I appreciate the different perspectives on things shared, .  I may not always agree, but getting me out of my comfort zone is the only way to grow.  Porterside, I see your points.  I married a Marine who was in Desert Storm, date a vet, come from a family of men, dad being in WW II.  I get your info.  That being said, my one brother is a marriage and family therapist who played football, wrestled, coached, and is a trainer for play therapists for children now,  and he and his wife have the marriage I hope to have some day, a total partnership.  So, I can appreciate the other aspects of lots of men, too.  I guess I am growing to the point not to get offended at a difference of opinion.  Today, at least.   ;)

klim

  • Member
  • Posts: 422
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #759 on: August 16, 2016, 09:45:08 AM »
I'm having a little trouble with the "active" label. DH and I were active together, that was our thing....it's what I know. It's what I feel comfortable with. I like to hike to camp to bike..but I like hamburgers and fries....it's a balance. I consider myself  tall/big/fit but I'm not buff or lean. I don't have the classic physique of an active girl.

So I go looking for those seeking an active partner and yes quite often I think they are just saying they want someone lean and fit. That is not me.

So I try saying outdoorsy...and I get people that want to camp interior for the whole summer and eat dried whatever....

 Just saying, labels don't always help, that is why these sites are hard to navigate.


« Last Edit: August 17, 2016, 06:40:02 AM by klim »
<a data-flickr-embed="true"  href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/76752159@N08/35633945020/in/dateposted-public/" title="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"><img src="https://farm5.staticflickr.com/4308/35633945020_f20f4231a2.jpg" width="300" height="225" alt="68887863-ed45-49be-8091-d063d8095c3a_zps0693c059"></a><script async src="//embedr.flickr.com/assets/client-code.js" charset="utf-8"></script>

arneal

  • Member
  • Posts: 647
    • The Starving Activist
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #760 on: August 16, 2016, 10:45:34 AM »
and yes quite often I think they are just saying they want someone lean and fit. That is not me.

So I try saying outdoorsy...and I get people that want to camp interior for the whole summer and eat dried whatever....

 Just saying labels don't always help that is why these sites are hard to navigate.

klim -- yes! 'eat dried whatever'! Made me laugh because that is so on point. LOL!
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

Mrskro

  • Member
  • Posts: 289
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #761 on: August 17, 2016, 07:55:59 AM »
So this just happened.  Was I too subtle about the skipping the dating part?


Him:  hi there. How is your search going?:)

ME: Oh you know it's internet dating lol. How is yours going?

Him:   Same. I think people like to hide behind their phones:) looking to meet someone. You?

Me:  Oh I definitely agree. But on the flip side I've found a lot of people aren't actually interested in the dating part either, so it's easier to hide behind a phone until you get a feel for someone.

Him:  Are you open to a lover ongoing. One fit and passionate male

UMMM WHAT?!?!?

Me:  Nope, I need the dating part first. But good luck in your search

SemperFidelis

  • Member
  • Posts: 222
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #762 on: August 17, 2016, 09:22:51 AM »
Mrskro, wow....just wow...bizarre.

Captains wife

  • Member
  • Posts: 607
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #763 on: August 17, 2016, 10:02:22 AM »
Oh boy - why are so many people relationship adverse??? I wish there was better segmentation of dating sites - Ie one site for hook ups, one site for friends with benefits, one site for people really looking to properly recouple ? And everyone sticks to meeting people on their designated site... Lol
« Last Edit: August 17, 2016, 05:16:03 PM by Captains wife »

Momtojandj

  • Member
  • Posts: 275
  • Widowed since 10/2012 . Living in NJ
Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #764 on: August 17, 2016, 05:10:03 PM »
So after taking a break from online and dating . I went back in , and have a date Thursday night. I have already spoke with him on the phone, and googled the heck out of him. Lol.
"To love another person is to see the face of God "