Author Topic: On line dating vents and laughs......  (Read 160562 times)

SunshineFL

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #870 on: October 20, 2016, 08:20:34 AM »
Disabled my OKC account - yet another online break seriously needed after yet another married man tried to connect with me.  This one texted with a good morning message saying that he wished I lived closer to him.  Two or three short texts later, I asked if he was widowed, divorced or never married, at which time he reveals his separated status. (Why do people think separated means single when it means still married and legally bound to another?)

He then shared that he has lived apart from his wife for 5 years but hasn't felt the need to press the divorce as he hadn't found anyone new yet?  (WHAT?) I mentioned in my last text reply to him that perhaps that was because women perceive him as not yet available. Seriously odd dating world for me to navigate.

I don't know how some people do it, but happy for them.
Somehow, I hold hope and belief .... everything in its right time.

Sunshine wishes to anyone reading, friends.
Have a good day ahead.

arneal

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #871 on: October 20, 2016, 12:41:15 PM »
Thanks for sharing, Sunshine. That is an interesting reply ... hadn't pressed it because he hadn't found anyone new sounds like the not-yet-ex may still be a FWB. My LH had been legally separated from his former when we met; he hadn't finalized because he was standing on the grounds that she should pay a portion of the costs. When that didn't happen, he filed. I actually did the paperwork :) NG was separated when we met and his divorce just finalized last month. It was something I didn't talk about with him, even though he brought it up straight away; I tend to be more of a wait and see, and if you don't do what you say I'll call you on it. I didn't have to call BS in either situation, thank God, and both LH and NG were/are worth the wait in my estimation :)
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

klim

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #872 on: October 20, 2016, 04:29:04 PM »
I don't see separated as a redflag. The separated people( men and women) I know have many different reasons why it takes time. I actually have never met any them that say they are just waiting to figure out if it is for real. Mostly it is just not wanting to deal, financial delays, time to come to agreements...lawyers , court delays...lots of different reasons. Quite often they are ready to move ahead before all this comes in to place.

SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #873 on: October 20, 2016, 04:49:14 PM »
Disabled my OKC account - yet another online break seriously needed after yet another married man tried to connect with me.  This one texted with a good morning message saying that he wished I lived closer to him.  Two or three short texts later, I asked if he was widowed, divorced or never married, at which time he reveals his separated status. (Why do people think separated means single when it means still married and legally bound to another?)

He then shared that he has lived apart from his wife for 5 years but hasn't felt the need to press the divorce as he hadn't found anyone new yet?  (WHAT?) I mentioned in my last text reply to him that perhaps that was because women perceive him as not yet available. Seriously odd dating world for me to navigate.

I don't know how some people do it, but happy for them.
Somehow, I hold hope and belief .... everything in its right time.

Sunshine wishes to anyone reading, friends.
Have a good day ahead.


I am definitely of the mindset that marriage is a state of relationship, a commitment. The legal certificate from the courthouse is an entirely different legal matter.....essentially meanjngless in terms of whether someone is single or not. LH and I married early on but waited a few years before getting the marriage certificate....there just wasn't a reason to until of course there was.

So to me having the ongoing legal loose end of unlegalized divorce hanging is not a big deal. No bigger than any other legal dispute. The imperative thing in my mind is that the relationship is over and they aren't savoring any hope for working shit out. Sometimes there just isn't any reason to deal with legal garbage until there is good incentive to do so.

So I would totally agree with the guy that separated is equivalent to single.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 05:35:01 PM by SemperFidelis »

SunshineFL

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #874 on: October 20, 2016, 05:51:08 PM »
Hi, all -

I didn't mean to start anything of depth here in the shorthand in which we post on this "vents and laughs" thread. We don't know each other personally, our voices or tone or how we communicate or even the "whole picture" of these little vignette "slice of life" moments we share with each other here.

To clarify...
I completely understand that each and every person and their life story is unique and personal to them.
Every marriage and every couple's relationship is different and unique to them.
I solidly get that there are countless reasons why people might separate yet stay married for any length of time and for any reasons that are right for them.
And I don't judge others for their personal choices ever.

I am aware that, as I type this out to the world, there will be some who don't connect with how I express myself or who I am. That is okay. Some will label things with a definition of a word that means something to them - (such as what separated means, etc.) - but that same word means something else to someone else entirely. We all wear our own unique lenses of how we see things.

When I post here to the board, please kindly assume I'm speaking about myself only - not a blanket statement that applies to all.  So, in speaking for myself only and what works for me personally, I just know that to be truly ready to partner with me in all the ways and on all the levels that I intimately navigate the world, that a man will likely have to be disconnected from his past relationship(s) sufficiently to have learned at least some of what he needed to learn from them, grow from them in the ways he needed to grow, have reflection and hindsight a bit from it all, to have some clarity about it, and more - and in most, not all, cases, that usually means not shifting seamlessly from one relationship to the next without a bit of time in the middle to do his own core healing "work."

That is just me - and I get that that is not everyone.  For many, time/divorce/legalities/connections of any sort on any level aren't an issue in the least and work beautifully for them - I love that they have found each other and are good with each other in their new relationship together.  Wonderful.  I don't necessarily agree with the blanket statement, however, that someone who is "separated is equivalent to single."   They aren't, but I get that every circumstance and everyone's situation and sensibilities are different and I respect each person for that completely.

Be well, friends.




« Last Edit: October 20, 2016, 06:50:55 PM by SunshineFL »

RobFTC

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #875 on: October 20, 2016, 08:13:42 PM »
I had this come up awhile ago.  A woman I had been talking with on OKCupid last October felt the need to confess before we met that she was separated, not divorced.  In talking with her about it, she was the one holding off, with a serious sense of guilt for having a marriage fail and with some hope of reconciliation.  I declined to meet her, as when literally the easiest thing legally is to reconcile and there's hope of that, it felt like she needed to deal with her stuff first.  I know I don't pursue someone who lists themselves as separated.  I told her I would be happy to meet once her divorce was final.  Interestingly, she popped up on match.com and favorited me in September, and we did wind up going out.  No sparks, though.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

nonesuch

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #876 on: October 20, 2016, 08:53:38 PM »
I had dates with two men who were separated and had no plans to divorce.  I didn't want to deal with those complications.  It gives the impression of maintaining a FWB.  I got the feeling if I got too involved, I'd be the recipient of the "Oh, my *wife* and I are going to give it one more try" speech.  It's sort of a no-man's land.

 Of course, couples break up all the time, I know, for all kinds of reasons.  I can see dating someone who has filed and is on the way to a divorce, but not someone who's just taking the path of least resistance.

In my experience, most of the men who stated in their profiles they were looking for someone "open-minded" were married men with no intentions of divorcing.  I'm not that open minded, I guess.


SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #877 on: October 20, 2016, 10:16:31 PM »
I had dates with two men who were separated and had no plans to divorce.  I didn't want to deal with those complications.  It gives the impression of maintaining a FWB.  I got the feeling if I got too involved, I'd be the recipient of the "Oh, my *wife* and I are going to give it one more try" speech.  It's sort of a no-man's land.

 Of course, couples break up all the time, I know, for all kinds of reasons.  I can see dating someone who has filed and is on the way to a divorce, but not someone who's just taking the path of least resistance.

In my experience, most of the men who stated in their profiles they were looking for someone "open-minded" were married men with no intentions of divorcing.  I'm not that open minded, I guess.

Very strange to me - I wonder why they would have zero intention of divorcing legally..... I don't know enough about the legal system to understand what the benefit would be. Puzzling.

Mrskro

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #878 on: October 21, 2016, 08:06:54 AM »
I have found people define words completely differently, and I too don't understand why people are content to live in perpetual separation.  A friend of mine is separated from her husband, its been 5 years.  They are both in committed other relationships but neither has taken any steps to divorce.  He has now posted on facebook that he is engaged.   UH what?   How does that work?

I'm not sure it would be a position I'd want to be in.

The term single parent gets to me too.   I had one guy tell me we were in the same position being single parents.  I replied with 'a tough spot to be in free time isn't a huge luxury anymore.'   His response was it's not that bad I have my kids twice a week and every third weekend.   OH yeah that's the same thing.

kjs1989

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #879 on: October 21, 2016, 08:59:09 AM »
For me, it just wouldn't work to try and move forward in a relationship with a guy who was still legally tied to his wife. The marriage certificate is more than a piece of paper to me.

When I met New Guy over three years ago, he had been divorced for five years. Even after that period and up to the present, his ex has tried to insert her influence quite often in his life, mostly in financial dealings. She doesn't have a leg to stand on, of course, and he does not allow her to cross boundaries at all, but nonetheless she still tries to, time and time again.

If he was still legally married to her, those boundaries would be more difficult to enforce. There would be no way I could see being involved in that triangle.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2016, 09:16:49 AM by kjs1989 »

tybec

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #880 on: October 21, 2016, 10:46:28 AM »
The piece of paper matters or we wouldn't have it IMHO.  It matters legally with fiances, responsibilities, who can do what in a health crisis, etc.  I know someone who won't divorce because he does not want to give up assets his wife is entitled to.  So, he is dragging it out, hiding what he can, having new relationships that really can't go anywhere truly.  My poor brother who married at age 50 married a crazy woman.  We saw red flags, but we were happy he finally found someone. She KNEW that after 3 years of marriage, she was entitled to half of his federal pension and health benefits the rest of her life.  WHO knows that?  He worked 29 years for the feds, had great benefits and she had nothing when they married.  She put them into half a million dollars debt in 4 years, got sick with cancer, and then died.  He has since remarried and they are finding all kinds of things she did financially behind his back.  He isn't responsibly for most of it, but still crazy. There are just so many stories out there about the legal ramifications of the marriage contract.  Can you live with all that? Your call...

arneal

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #881 on: October 21, 2016, 10:56:20 AM »
Oh, tybec -- that is horrid. You and others here are right to bring up the tangle of complications that 'separated' can cause. I think it all boils down to having the deeper conversation. Like Rob made the choice to back away and in the end, the date happened (albeit no sparks).
Andree'

Seek peace, and pursue it - Psalm 34:14b

SemperFidelis

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #882 on: October 21, 2016, 11:38:20 AM »
Hmmmm..... Maybe I need to have a conversation with NG about this.

Whenever we get married (we have established that we both want that) I am not willing to get a marriage certificate. If I get a marriage certificate I will lose all of my VA benefits as the surviving spouse of a 100% disabled veteran. Any legal arrangements that come with a marriage license can be arranged with other legal contracts(a will or trust, power of attorney). Hopefully this isn't a deal breaker for him.

To me it seems like in the majority of situations the marriage certificate protects or benefits a woman not bringing in her own substantial income..... I don't see much benefit for the man, it actually seems pretty high risk to me since so many marriages fail.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2016, 11:56:06 AM by SemperFidelis »

serpico

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #883 on: October 21, 2016, 12:28:17 PM »
Whenever we get married (we have established that we both want that) I am not willing to get a marriage certificate.

How does one go about getting married without a marriage certificate?
« Last Edit: October 21, 2016, 12:49:10 PM by serpico »
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tybec

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Re: On line dating vents and laughs......
« Reply #884 on: October 21, 2016, 01:55:50 PM »
Funny you ask that, Serpico.  I asked my pastor about 6 months ago about marrying elderly folks in the church who did not want a legal marriage due to losing their spouse's benefits.  She said there were probably folks out there marrying, as it is an issue for some.  The system hurts some folks.  I would not want my mother to give up my father's benefits (health insurance and federal pension) if she found someone to marry who could not provide her this. 


I actually will be talking to my pastor further about this.  I am curious.  NG is afraid to marry after his wife left him and took 75% of his net worth.  I want a prenup to protect my son's inheritance.  He is still unsure.  Would I marry him in a church but not legally to keep my benefits?  Maybe.  Him, too.  Never would have dreamed I would be talking about this ever.........  But I expected to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary and here I am...
« Last Edit: October 24, 2016, 09:44:24 AM by tybec »