Author Topic: Nightmare  (Read 924 times)

Carey

  • Member
  • Posts: 524
  • Widowed 11/23/13 Joined YWBB 12/2/13
Nightmare
« on: July 16, 2015, 12:02:50 PM »
Most of the times I have dreamed about Chad, it was always that I had been misinformed about his death and he had been alive in Saudi and finally managed to make it back home.  Those dreams also had fear in them ... I remember freaking out about the death benefit from the Saudi company, and all the social security that I thought we were going to have to pay back.  This was different. I dreamed last night that he came BACK from the dead.  Like he'd been given a second chance. He knew he had died, he KNEW what he had put me and the kids through, he knew he died because of alcohol. There was 100% clarity.  Even so, the very first day of him being "back" ... he was drunk as I'd ever seen him. I remember being repulsed and wishing he would just die again.  :( 
I don't want to EVER feel that way about him.  I have memory issues due to this brain thingie ... each round of this drug seems to kill more, so really it may be a blessing I don't remember SPECIFIC things he had said over the years. He was not physically abusive, but verbally? Oh yes. I do know there were many nights I went to bed with my back to him trying to tune out his ranting raving name calling tirades, all directed at ME. Since he died, I haven't remembered much of that, nor have I focused on it, because what is the point? He's gone.  And inside the raving alcoholic there was a man I love very much. Why torment myself with the negative when the good is all I have left of him to hold on to?  But in that dream last night, he specifically said those hateful things again.  KNOWING every single detail clearly of what happened to him, he said those things again anyway.  I'm completely shaken and cant think about anything else.  I am at work, I have a seminar at work tonight that I am in charge of. I have to do the food, the decorating, the clean up.  My head is POUNDING, I'm nauseated and stressed and my mind will NOT quit playing those words.  "cunt", "lying bitch" , "spread your legs for anyone" (never happened), "nasty assed fatty" .... it's like it never went away. Right now I'd be so grateful for some of that tumor amnesia. Wish I could still pray :(
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter