Author Topic: Is it normal to go crazy at 9 months, or did my brain break and I am going mad  (Read 3406 times)

keeptrying

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I am at nine months and WOW.. a HUGE slug in the gut! I just feel unbelievably sad.. I hurt, I cry.. I find myself thinking I am going crazy. - I have been able to go through like a zombie and do what I need to do, and yes, I would cry and hurt and all that, but 9 months hit and wow - it is SO much worse. Every day I feel like I sink deeper and deeper. I don't know how to snap out of it. I have been trying to take my kids places, "not think" or keep my mind busy with other things, just anything I can think of. I feel like I am slowly sinking into complete insanity and it scares me. I just want it to stop, I need to snap out of this and I don't know how.

Max2507

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Around that time all of the numbness had worn off, any lingering help had headed for the hills, the rest of the world had moved on and I was like OMG this shit is real! I also felt like I was going through withdrawals from lack of physical affection. I did feel like a was going crazy. What helped me a lot was I went to a widdabago around that time and then to camp widow and it helped a lot to be around people that understood. Laughing and crying in the same conversation. Weirdly at 18 mths it got worse again and I went on antidepressants, I had gotten really started to get barely functional. Now it's been 27 mths, had to stop and count. I feel like a person now if that make sense. I tried to explain to someone back then that it was like I was a piece of plaid fabric and he was one of the colors. So with him gone, all his threads ripped out, now I am loosely woven, thread bare and frayed in areas. Now I am not dating yet but am warming up to the idea, having fun with friends, doing new things, feel like I am standing on my own, it does get better but it is an active process.

Jess

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I had a hard time at 9 months. I tend to get into my head and over-analyze and I had to wonder if that particular time frame felt more significant because of a pregnancy lasting 9 months? Like he had been gone as long as it would take for life to emerge? I don't know, but I remember that one being a very low point for me.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Wheelerswife

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I think a few of my friends here would agree that I was not in a good place 9 months after John (my second husband) died.  I almost ran them off with my anxiety and neediness.  At 19 months out now, I'm certainly less anxious and needy, but I still have my moments.

keeptrying...you have a lot on your plate with a newborn and several other children, young and older.  There just isn't much of a place for you to get away and just cry or scream or take care of your own needs. 

There is a lot of truth to the 6-12 month time-frame...shock wears off and reality sets in.  The reality sucks.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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rifatheroffour

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Echoing the you are not crazy sentiments.  8 to 10 months seemed so much worse for me...it may have been the impending holidays as well but I had some of my worst days back then.  They do get better...
Those we love don't go away, they walk beside us everyday.
Unseen, unheard, but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear.

TooSoon

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It is normal.  I fell to pieces at 8 months (drag down, rock bottom bad).  It just all came crashing down at once but the good news is that once I pulled myself out of that things started to become a bit more clear.  Not necessarily easier but I had more clarity.  I promise it gets better. 

Trying

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I think reality really sets in and there is a certain fatigue about having to keep facing each day.  I was very impatient with my grief and thought if I kept doing what I was "supposed to " do, it should get easier.  When it didn't I was just worn out, hurting and exhausted by grief. 

I'm so sorry it's such a tough time, it does get better. The hard part is that there may be other low patches again so when you are feeling like its a good day you need to savor it and go with it and build your strength back up.  I'm approaching 2 years in September and I can say now the waves are much further apart, shorter lasting, and don't drag me down so deep.
You will forever be my always.

donswife

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I am a little over the 9 month time and I agree its so hard
I think the true reality is setting in and like others have said you are exhausted with the just hanging in there day to day
people have moved on and expect or hope you are fine and stop asking how you are or of you need anything
plus they stop talking about him/her
that part is the most heartbreaking as it seems when people stop saying their Name or share a memory
it as if they didn't really exist and keeping their memory alive is becoming harder and harder
know your are not alone and hope it helps a little


My everything

hikermom

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Like so many others have posted that are farther out, I too found 9 months very hard. The fog that had blissfully enveloped me for the first few months had totally lifted. I was starting to see what was ahead of me, not just what happened to me, and that was terrifying. I felt overwhelmed with the knowledge that I was on my own and had to figure out a path for our daughter and me.

One year was, of course, hard but for different reasons that I would have expected. The anniversary day itself wasn't bad - it was quite good: peaceful, centered, grateful for our time together. The next day was hell. There was no magic answer to passing the one year mark - day 366 sucked as bad as day 364. I don't know if I thought I'd be "cured" of my grief - not rationally I didn't but perhaps that was my year of magical thinking.

18 months was a tough one as well. By that point I was much better at managing things. I could see that I could do it and was doing it. Perhaps a ray of hope? So when the waves hit at the 18 month mark, it felt like much further backsliding than previously.

You are not crazy. This journey is so full of setbacks. For me it was important to keep reminding myself that I'd been through the worst already. I could get through this wave, I just had to ride it out. Sometimes I leaned in to the sadness and grief rather than fighting it. I needed to greet it at the doorway like a friend, let it in because it had something important to tell me. And when I'd learned what I needed to from it, politely escort it back out.

The more I am conscious of what I am feeling and experiencing, the better I can handle it. It is when grief is a sneaky bastard, climbing in my window at night to jump out and surprise me, that I struggle to find my way back.

Be gentle with yourself. The waves get fewer and fewer, smaller and smaller. And you aren't swimming in the ocean alone - we're all here.
here is the deepest secret nobody knows ...
and this is the wonder that?s keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
~ e.e.cummings

Mizpah

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My widow friends regularly e-shout: "Totally normal!," at each other, when one of us asks if some crazy-@$$ $h!t we've said, or done, or felt, is crazy.  It's totally normal.  As one year approached for me (I think the whole 9-12 month period), I felt very upset that I was reaching this arbitrary marker.  I felt like soon I was to be exiled from mourning.  I wanted to remain in the safety of raw pain and not have to engage with the world again.  I didn't want to get further from him, in time or emotion.   
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

TooSoon

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hikermom, everything  you said rings so true for me, too.  So, so true.

SoVerySad

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I agree it is normal, KT. It seems like the earlier fog and confusion start to dissolve and you are left firmly in the grasp of the awful reality. I remember reading that it had happened to others, but not believing it would happen to me. I couldn't imagine hurting any deeper and yet I did. I'm sorry you are feeling it all so acutely right now. Sending you tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jen

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...I had to wonder if that particular time frame felt more significant because of a pregnancy lasting 9 months? Like he had been gone as long as it would take for life to emerge?

Same here-- this exact thought occurred to me. It had been nine months, I could have built and birthed a whole new person in that time, and what had I done instead? Given birth to a new me, maybe? I'd like to say that, but the truth was that the shock was wearing off and life seemed so, so bleak. The months leading up to the one year mark were... rough. The actual sadiversary was okay... good, almost, because I was at a bago and with people who understood. Then there was a severe crash after that...

Ugh, I'm no help. I'm so sorry. I want to say hold on, it gets better, because I devoutly hope (when I *can* hope) that that's true. The truth is that, at 16+ months, I'm okay with most aspects of my life... I actually like myself more than I ever have in the past, I'm mildly impressed that I've made it this far and have some positive changes to show for it. But there's still this emptiness inside me that I just can't fill or relieve, and I'm starting to think that it will always be there. I'm lonely and sad, even when I have no reason to be, and I don't know when or if that will ever change.

Apologies. I needed to vent, evidently. (((((HUGS)))) It'll get better for us. It has to.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Freelancing

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Its normal to go crazy any time during active or inactive grieve, it just looks different.
Deep sorrow always reminds me of a picture my grandmother had of Jesus slumped over a large rock with tears streaming down his face. I had never in my life experienced such deep profound sadness; it was true suffering. I don't recall how long it went on for or how it stopped, but I do recall when it lifted I learned I had truly loved that man with every bit of my being and he would forever live in my heart. It was the first part in our cathexis to loosen its grip. It was sad, but it was all part of the healing process.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2015, 09:34:56 AM by Freelancing »

sojourner

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Ah. The start of my "TOTES" logical "I want a divorce from my now-dead husband even tho I consciously decided not to seek divorce when he was alive" stage. In my case, rooted in repercussions to me from his undermining me as a parent when he was alive. He was Peter Pan. Parental organization and cooperation had turned out to not be his thing after all, despite our talking pre-marriage-and-baby-carriage. Still working thru it and it hinders my grief process of losing the other parts of him, where he was my friend and lover.

My opinion- respect and find some way to regularly take a moment to acknowledge your feelings in whatever way you can, and don't ignore them. I find that I process things a bit at a time, as the needs of my family mean I often have to maintain my mask of being okay. (In the early days, before I was able to form a mask, my kids did poorly in response to my shock and loss- lots pre-existing depression/ADHD/anxiety in some of my children even before crisis hit.)

Just my experiences, but to the original question about the normality of your experience? Oh, heck  yeah.