Author Topic: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!  (Read 4955 times)

Justin

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2015, 12:41:05 PM »
Aspen,

I think all of us here went through a period where although we didn't think about self-harm, we would have been quite content to curl up and die, too. You are going through a really tough period of personal hell right now. And that is exactly what it is: a personal hell that even our closest loved ones can't imagine - unless they have spouse or love a love this way.

I am finding out who I am every day. I was married two months shy of my 20th birthday, and was married for over 21 years.  The Justin who I am now is not the same in every way - and I wouldn't expect him to be. The gift of perspective is that I am learning that although I am different, I like the new "me", too. I would have never wished to learn about myself this way by losing my wife, but I am actually excited to see changes in myself that this growth is bringing.

Hang on right now: every day, hour , minute, and second. That's all you can do. Take good care of yourself and ride out the storm. It will get better. It's just going to take some time to adjust, but you will. So much of this journey is about perspective, and that will come with time. I was about 3 months out before I had any idea that I could even laugh and have fun again. Now, a bit over a year, I find that most days are good. I still miss Marsha terribly, but she is gone and my daughter and I are still here. It's up to us to enjoy life - something that Marsha doesn't have and in some ways I feel a responsibility to live mine to the fullest. Time doesn't heal all wounds, but it sure makes it easier to live with them.

Please feel free to talk with us here whenever you want to - we get it. Our friends and loved ones often can't bear to see our pain, because it hurts them so much and there isn't anything they can do to fix our broken hearts. This is a pain that no one can empathize with unless they have experienced it. Lean on us.
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

jlp

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2015, 01:10:25 PM »
Justin is right.  For about the first two months, I didn't care if I lived or died.  I would never have the courage to off myself, but feeling this way is perfectly normal.  It is also quite normal to feel you are losing your mind.

You are still very early in.  If you haven't done so, you might want to schedule an appointment with your doctor.  It's very important that you take care of your physical health now as best you can.  He might be able to prescribe some Xanax or something to help with the panic attacks.

I hope going back to school won't be too overwhelming.  With any luck, it may provide some focus and diversion.

There is probably nothing you are thinking that at least one of us here hasn't thought, too, so please keep posting.  And I learned early on it was critical to try to stay in moment as much as possible -- looking too far into the future gave me huge anxiety.


Wheelerswife

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #17 on: August 29, 2015, 01:23:11 PM »
Hi, Aspen,

I hear your anxiety loud and clear.  I developed anxiety and panic attacks just after my second husband died.  I realized quickly that I needed help and I went to my doctor for medication and to the counseling department at my university.  Both have helped tremendously.  I also went back to classes 11 days after my husband died.  Everyone knew my story at school, since my husband was a well-know professor, but I talked to my professors about my struggles and people were unbelievably supportive.

I was floating around in school, on my way to a second Bachelors (I graduated 30 years after my first one) and I still didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up (again).  That certainly added to my feelings of anxiety and lack of control.  Time, though, helped be solidify what I wanted to do and gave me the focus to choose a grad school program.  I've just started my second semester of my Master's in Higher Education Student Affairs.  Folks in your Student Affairs office will care about your situation and your well-being.  I'd advise you to make an appointment to talk to someone and to talk to your professors as well.

I was incredibly angry that my husband died in the prime of his career and when we were so happy together.  I was angry for him, his students, his colleagues and for myself.  Anger got me through the first semester after he died.  Something has to get us through the time.  Being angry was easier than being sad for me.  Having school, having to be in the classroom every day, having deadlines for assignments...these things gave me a reason to get out of bed, to interact with people, and to put one foot in front of the other.

So far, this plan has gotten me through over 19 months.

Feeling like we would be okay to die is very common.  It isn't the same as being suicidal.  I had medical issues after my second husband died, had surgery and was diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer.  I just wanted it to kill me quickly.  Some people on this board who know me can verify that I actually said that.  Well, the cancer hasn't come back.  My anxiety and panic are under better control.  I miss my husband terribly, but I don't want to die.  This was supposed to be my second chance for happiness and it ended with my second husband's death just under 4 years into our love story. 

I know from experience that it is possible to find happiness again.  People find it in different ways.  For me, I hope to find great love #3 and launch myself into a new career in Higher Education Student Affairs.  But it is only going to come one day at a time.

Take some deep breaths.  Find what works to get through your panic attacks.  Talk to your doctor, a counselor, your advisor, your professors.  And feel free to PM me if there is anything that I can do to help you...or just to listen.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Jess

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #18 on: August 29, 2015, 06:57:24 PM »
Aspen, shortly after Joe died the ebola scare happened. I found myself thinking "Excellent! Bring it on!" Now, to someone not going through our kind of loss, that thought would be terrifying. But really, to me anyways, there is a huge difference between wishing a meteor would just land on my house and end this awfulness and seeking out a volcano to jump into. To others, the distinction is to subtle to them to realize there is an actual distinction at all.

At over a year out, I personally am at a spot where I no longer wish for a plague or meteor. The feeling can go away. Just give it time.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Aspen530

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #19 on: August 30, 2015, 09:04:45 AM »
I'm working w my dr and seeing a grief counselor .. So I hope they can get it right. Put me on an antidepressant but it keeps me awake at night.. Which makes my anxiety even worse... Leading to more panic attacks.

Thank god for Xanax but I feel like it's bad for me

Does anyone have suggestions for how to get through the mornings. When I wake up  (early as hell) I'm back in my nightmare n I can't deal

Wheelerswife

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #20 on: August 30, 2015, 09:26:52 AM »
I woke up a lot in the middle of the night myself.  It was easier to stay up really late and hope my sleep hours got me from 1:00 AM till 5:00 AM.  I still take Xanax to go to sleep at night, though I'm not really sure I need it all the time.  I'm not yet willing to let go of the crutch, I guess.  I still try to stay up fairly late...till near midnight.  I can sleep till 6:30 now.

I don't know where you live or what time zone you are in, but I was a regular in the chat room at night for at least my first 6 months.  You might check it out.  I connected with some awesome people when I was there, many of whom I eventually met in person.

If you are comfortable....and I know a lot of people aren't...try sending a PM to someone here that you relate to well, often someone with similar circumstances or someone just ahead of you or right with you on your timeline.  That can turn into a lifeline as well.  People in a similar stage can often relate best.  Quite honestly, those of us who are further out than you actually do forget exactly what it is like to be freshly widowed...and I think that is actually a hopeful thought. 

Hugs to you,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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SoVerySad

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #21 on: August 30, 2015, 12:11:57 PM »
Aspen, I remember well how much I dreaded mornings. It was like reliving being told he was dead over and over again. I would wake hopeful it had all been a nightmare. Then I would see the photo I'd framed of my husband for his memorial service and realize the awful truth. It was so painful.

I tried to have things I left to do in the mornings so I had to get up to do them. The sooner I got into doing something to take my mind off things a little, the better I did. Some days I just had to give myself the time and space to feel it all, though. There was no way for me to contain it for long periods. I had to let go and let those emotions out.

Sending you tight, tight hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jen

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Re: HELP!!! I'm scared shitless!!!!
« Reply #22 on: August 30, 2015, 04:22:25 PM »
I'm having a scared shitless day.  I can't stop thinking I wish it were me.

I thought this nearly constantly for months. Sometimes I still think it. Last night, for example, I wrote in my journal (for the 8 millionth time), "I'm done, I can't do this anymore, please can I just go now? Please??" I'm not saying this to scare you, but to let you know you are *so* not alone. ((((hugs))))

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I'm gonna try to list my fears too perhaps it will help
     
   1.  I don't know who I am without him and I don't really want to find out. 

Me neither. I resent being forced to find out-- I was good with who I was, thanks much. I was happy being Jim's wife. No, things weren't perfect, either personally or in our marriage, but they were pretty darned good. On the bright side... if you won't punch me for saying that (not that I'd blame you)... I've discovered some things about me that are surprising, but... well, kinda cool. And I like me now. Maybe more than before, honestly.

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   2. I go back grad school on Wednesday, terrified

I went back to school when I was 4 months out. It was scary-- I didn't think my wid brain could retain anything long enough to get through a class. But I did it, I made it through a whole semester, and I'm still doing it. It helps that it gives you something completely unrelated to think about, I think.

 
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  3. Not hearing his laugh may actually kill me

I get this. I so get it... I'm tearing up just thinking about it, actually. ((((more hugs)))))

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   4.  These panic attacks will never stop

They will. I believe they will. It may take a little extra help and time, but the Xanax won't be permanent. When my SSRI was keeping me awake, I changed the time of day I took it. Is that a possibility? If not, maybe your doctor could try another med? My 2 cents, spend as you like: antidepressants can help, but they can't fix it. We still have to go through the grief. It's hard and it sucks donkeys, but you can do it, and you are not alone, I promise.

 
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5. I will always be this broken and angry

Sigh. I want to tell you that you won't be... but I can't, since I'm still as broken and angry (and scared and sad and lonely and... ) as it's possible to be. All I can say is that it won't always be so... acute. I look at wids who are further out, and they're largely okay. Not great, time does NOT heal all wounds, but they're better. I think. I hope.

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   6. I won't survive this

Good news/bad news on this one, and it's the same news: you will. We do. A lot of the time we don't want to, but we do, because every one of us here is about a gazillion times stronger than we ever gave ourselves credit for. Just don't think you have to do it by yourself, because you don't. The road through hell is dark and frightening and downright miserable at times, but the company is excellent. Sometimes that's the one thing I hang onto.

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I've been up since 4am it feels like I'm going crazy, that I'm living someone else's  life and this can in no way be mine forever

I think i scared my mom this morning mid panic attack saying, I wish I was dead.
   I didnt mean hurt myself, I just wish it was my time too

I still say it and write it in my journal: "THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!!!!" It can't be. How can it be??? It does feel crazy and out of control and impossible to grasp. And I still say "I wish I were dead" quite regularly. I'm not suicidal-- been there, it's horrible-- but it would be just fine with me if a meteor fell on my on my way home from work. I guess that's a terrible attitude, but I can't help it. I'm working hard to find reasons to want to be here, but it's difficult. We'll get there. Just hold on. People keep telling me that, so I'm telling you: hold on.
 
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7. People are afraid to hear what I'm really thinking.

Oooohhhh yes. It took me awhile to learn to keep my mouth shut. When people asked how I was, I started saying, "Do you want the real answer, or the nice answer?" The nice answer was something like "I"m surviving, it's hard, but I'm okay." The real answer was "HOW DO YOU THINK I'M DOING MY HUSBAND DROPPED DEAD AND MY LIFE IS OVER AT 39 F******G YEARS OF AGE!!!!!!! I'M TERRIFIED OUT OF MY WITS!!!!!!!" Now I just say "I'm making it" and move on. The people who love you know you're not okay, but they love you anyway; no one else really matters.

I wish I had a foolproof fix-- or that waving my magic wand would poof! it all away. All I can say is... the time passes. Eventually we start to realize that maybe, in some tiny way or another, we're beginning to heal. I don't know if recovery is possible, but there is... improvement. We just have to keep going.

I'm sorry this is so freaking long, but you remind me so much of myself a year ago, I couldn't not post it. I'm so, so sorry you have to be here. So many hugs to you...
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton