Author Topic: Dealing with my difficult mother!  (Read 1331 times)

DebW

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Dealing with my difficult mother!
« on: August 15, 2015, 04:01:28 AM »
My mum is impossible.
In 2011 my dad died suddenly of a heart attack, he was 65. My mum did not cope well with losing him, she was very angry, bitter, resentful and full of hate - mostly directed at my sister and I. We weren't allowed to do anything without her, if we didn't ring her daily we'd get abused and no matter what we did for her it was never enough - she focuses on what she doesn't have, not what she has. We tried to get her to counselling but she refused - said that she didn't have a problem that it was our fault because we couldn't handle her emotions. In early 2014 she attempted an overdose and at that stage I put my foot down and insisted she go to counselling, on her own or with us. I had no contact with her for 6 weeks, she went to counselling once and refused to go back.
During this time she made me and my husband's life absolute hell, I'm positive this stress contributed to his cancer diagnosis in Sept 2014. When this happened I thought it made her look at her own situation and maybe put things in perspective for her - she got to travel with my dad, he saw us married, he met his grandchildren and they all remember him. My husband has missed out on all of that. Since my husband died she has become very depressed again, he stepped up when my dad died and did everything for her, my BIL is useless so we are without a reliable, practical man.
She is sooooooo negative, says things like our lives are shit, I'm just waiting for the next bad thing to hit us, Who cares whether I live or die, etc etc. I do feel sorry for her because I know it's another loss for her but I am finding it so hard being around all that negativity and it's just making me want to stay away from her which makes her behaviour much worse - at the moment my sister hasn't spoken to her for over a month because she can't handle it either.
I do not want to become like her, counting who has or hasn't phoned me, who goes out without inviting me, what I'm missing out on, holding stupid little grudges against people - bitter and twisted. I am only 40, I am hoping I have a long life ahead of me and I know my husband would want me to live it the best I can. Yes I miss him every second and what happened to us totally sucks BUT I was so very lucky to have known and loved him for 22 years and have two beautiful children to try and raise by myself. I think my mum sees that I am coping OK and maybe doesn't like it, she wants to drag me down to her level so we can be miserable together. She has always been controlling and a bit manipulative.
I'm making it sound like I hate her but I don't, she does have some good qualities but it's kind of hard to see them at the moment and I just don't have the mental or physical energy to deal with all her shit right now. She's already going on and on about how terrible Christmas is going to be - she has ruined every Christmas since my dad died! I told her she won't be bloody well ruining this one!

Trying

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Re: Dealing with my difficult mother!
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2015, 06:56:41 AM »
Deb I am so sorry that your mom is bringing her negativity into,your already difficult time.  It's very hard to be around someone like that especially when you are grieving yourself and trying to move forward with your life the best way that you can.  I know she didn't like the counseling but what if you told her that YOU needed to do some family counseling with her to help you.  Then maybe some boundaries could be set on how she speaks around you. 

It's an incredibly tough situation.  I had a few very negative people in my life that I had to limit my time with but they were friends, not my mom, so it was much easier.
You will forever be my always.

donswife

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Re: Dealing with my difficult mother!
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2015, 08:11:40 AM »
this sounds so tough and its hard enough dealing with your own grief and trying to not become bitter
even tougher when you have to try and stay sane with dealing with your mom
being around all the negativity must be exhausting ,let alone stressful
Like trying said I was able to distance myself with a few negative people but they weren't my mom either
do you think you and your sister could go to a therapist
I find the one I have has very practical advise on how to deal with family
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Guaruj

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Re: Dealing with my difficult mother!
« Reply #3 on: August 15, 2015, 08:12:48 AM »
Deb -

I am so sorry that your mother is causing so much trouble for you and your family after all that has happened.

Quote
In early 2014 she attempted an overdose and at that stage I put my foot down and insisted she go to counselling,

When I read this, I thought "counseling isn't enough, she should be hospitalized" (FYI - I have no medical credentials whatsoever).  Your mom sounds like she needs more than just counseling.  If she tries to harm herself (or anyone else) again, you should get the police involved.

In the meantime, it sounds like you need to work with the rest of your family to keep your mom under control.  I hope that this happens soon; you have enough to deal with already.

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Needytoo

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Re: Dealing with my difficult mother!
« Reply #4 on: August 15, 2015, 08:34:01 AM »
Big hug to you DebW.  I have so much to say but have no idea what to say first and to say it without sounding heartless.  I have been really practicing mindfulness/living in the now/yoga/mediation and sure feel a difference.  You do know your Mom needs help but lets face it if she isn't going to go, there is nothing you can do.  I use to get so upset when people would say or not say things and wouldn't act the way I thought they should.  But now I am just accepting the way my life is.  I thought I did accept my life but yesterday I think I really accepted my life.  I went out with an old friend who I think is very much like your Mom.  She would give the shirt off her back in an emergency but she is one hateful person.  The world is always half empty in her eyes and she wants to spread her pain around.  During our lunch she was complaining about her husband her kids everything then she turned on me and said something to the tune of well your kids can't complain about their father.  Before this would have burned me from the inside out but yesterday I didn't feel a thing.  I just let her angry comments go right through.  I hope I made some sense. 

Virgo

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Re: Dealing with my difficult mother!
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2015, 10:31:30 AM »
Our situations are somewhat similiar only my mom died at 65 and my dad is drowning in alcohol. I will be 40 this month. Being a widow isn't something I ever thought I would 'go through' with a parent. It's a weird, difficult situation. Not only is my dad depressed, but the alcohol alters his personality. He's very needy, but rude at the same time. When we do talk it's mostly about him. He rarely asks how I or my daughters are doing. He also dwells on who hasn't called or visited him. Maybe it's the difference in ages? My dad is dating someone, but the alcohol doesn't let him really enjoy her company either. I understand how you feel. You get to a point where you just don't want to talk to them or be around them because they're so negative. My daughters feel the same way. We can't change how they feel or act. They have to want to change for themselves.
Jen

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss