Author Topic: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this  (Read 9413 times)

Aspen530

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1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« on: August 24, 2015, 08:10:22 AM »
My fianc? passed 8 days ago and it feels like I'm drowning. I wake up to a nightmare I can never leave. What am I supposed to do with myself everyday without him. I'm 27 and moved back in with my parents so I don't have to be in the apartment we shared. The pain is so deep I fear it will live inside me forever.  He was my best friend and soulmate and now he is gone. forever. 

I had a dream last night that he was still with me. Laughing and joking and bringing me home treats for the store after he was done work. I woke up.... And back to the nightmare that is my life

Someone please help me.

Wheelerswife

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2015, 08:41:11 AM »
Hi, Aspen,

I am so very sorry you had to join our club.  You are in those very early, awfully painful days.  There is so much angst and disbelief right now and nobody in your world understands...but we have all been there.

Right now...just try to keep breathing.  Drink lots of water...you can get dehydrated.  Eat when you can, sleep when you can, keep coming here and talking about whatever you want to talk about.

We are here to listen.  We understand.  You can't run us off.  Keep reading and venting and go ahead and scream if you want.  I know it is hard to believe right now, but in time, this will not be as painful as it is right now.  Every one of us here has survived this unsurvivable pain.  We will walk this walk with you.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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SoVerySad

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2015, 08:48:43 AM »
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your fianc?. I'm sending you tight, tight hugs. This is all so fresh and unreal to you right now, I understand. The pain truly is excruciating. For right now, my best advice is just to concentrate on getting through the day, hour, sometimes minutes. Try not to think about past just that for right now - it is overwhelming enough. Make sure to keep drinking water and eat whenever you can. Those of us who've been through such a loss are here to support you, because we understand. We can't bring your fianc? back, but we can offer our love and support. Come here and post whenever you need us.

More hugs to you, honey...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jess

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2015, 08:55:50 AM »
(((Aspen 530)))

I am so sorry for your loss. Since you have the need, I am so glad you found us. All of us have sat in your shoes- 8 days out and no idea how to live life. Right now, your responsibilities in your incredibly complicated life are very simple. Keep breathing, drink lots of water, try to eat, and sleep when you can. Life right now is minute by minute, hour by hour. Let the people that love you take care of you.

I recently passed one year. In fact, it will be one year and one month in two days from now. I remember thinking it was impossible I could ever make it a month, much less a year and a month. I have been reflecting a lot on what I would tell myself when I first suffered the loss of my husband. Besides what I have already said, here is what I would have wanted myself to know:

1. Time does eventually speed up again. It is not always going to be an excruciating wait for each hour to pass.
2. Things will be tough, but you are tougher. This does not mean you will not be overwhelmed and feel hopeless sometimes or even most of the time, but it does mean you can survive these feelings, get up the next morning and do it all over again so you give yourself the chance to get to a point where it becomes easier to do it.
3. Laughter is okay. A George Bernard Shaw quote I had placed on my husband's funeral program really spoke to me: "Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh."
4. Sometimes you just have to stay in bed, and that is okay.
5. There is no wrong way to process this grief other than self harm.
6. Do not let anyone rush you in your grief, especially yourself. The person you loved so deeply deserves to be mourned.

Post as often as you want or need to do so. We are here and you are not alone. I am wishing you peace and comfort.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

MrsT85

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2015, 10:21:29 AM »
My fianc? passed 8 days ago and it feels like I'm drowning. I wake up to a nightmare I can never leave. What am I supposed to do with myself everyday without him. I'm 27 and moved back in with my parents so I don't have to be in the apartment we shared. The pain is so deep I fear it will live inside me forever.  He was my best friend and soulmate and now he is gone. forever. 

I had a dream last night that he was still with me. Laughing and joking and bringing me home treats for the store after he was done work. I woke up.... And back to the nightmare that is my life

Someone please help me.

Oh sweetie...I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us, but so glad you've found us.  I read your first paragraph and instantly found myself transported to 4/6/13 - I was 27 too, and I had just found out that my husband had been killed in a car accident on the way home from work.  I too picked up and immediately moved back into my parents' house - it was just too painful to be in our apartment alone, and I was so so scared I might wake up in our bed and - just for a second - forget he was gone.  I was terrified of what it might do to my already extremely fragile psyche to think that he might be back, only to have it all flooding back to me that he was gone forever.

I found the precursor to this board at just a couple days out.  The most helpful thing (for me, anyway) was to realize I wasn't alone.  There were other car accident widows - some around my age, even - and that fact alone, combined with the dozens of others' stories that I read in those first few days, helped me realize that as awful as this was I would likely one day make it out from under the deepest throes of my despair as well.

You've already been given some fantastic advice from some other wonderful members - I second it all.  The next year or two (or longer) will be confusing and hard and you'll over-and-over think that you're going a little bit crazy.  That you aren't reacting in the "proper" way or having the "correct" emotions for your timeframe or whatever.  When you do - come here and tell us about it.  I promise you you'll have multiple people chiming in with ((hugs)) and "Me too's!". 

I know I didn't really start to feel like a person again for about a year...please be patient and kind with yourself and lean on those who want to and can help you.  I felt more like a child that first year than I ever had in my adult life - relying on my mother to by-and-large take care of me, waking up back in my old high school bedroom every morning, spending way too much time on the internet obsessively reading the old version of this site.  It was terrible.  I hated it and myself.  But I made it through and 2 1/2 years later I'm well on my way to building a proper life for myself again.

So yeah.  I've also been that 27 year old on the receiving end of the worst news I could ever possibly hear.  I get it.  PM me if you want - I'll be happy to give you my cell# and you can text me anytime
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Mizpah

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2015, 10:56:31 AM »
I'm so sorry.  I don't remember how painful this time is, and hopefully you won't either.  I didn't think it was survivable.  I didn't feel it was bearable.  I couldn't imagine ever being functional again.  I couldn't imagine a present or future world without him. 

You don't know how to get through this, and right now you don't have to.  You have to survive your days and keep your expectations very low.  Breathe, hydrate, get outside a little, eat if/when you can, do the things that will help you be as stable and sane as possible (it can be as simple as making your bed or (ambitious) working out).  Take all the solitude or company you need.  Tell people what you want from them, if you know.  Take comfort and solace in any little bit you can. 

The enormity of this is inconceivable.  It still is inconceivable for me 4+ years later, though my life is rebuilt and I am a "normal" member of society and I wouldn't say I'm "stuck."  I don't believe the mind can really grasp it. 

Take care of yourself and allow yourself to hurt as badly as you are hurting.  It is the only way through, in my opinion. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Aspen530

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2015, 12:19:12 PM »
Thank you so much for the support. Everyone on here must be so strong because you sound like you are actually living

And that I do not know how it is possible

We would have been married after I finished graduate school. He was so proud of me and how well I was doing and now I feel it will be impossible

Justin

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2015, 03:48:24 PM »
Thank you so much for the support. Everyone on here must be so strong because you sound like you are actually living

And that I do not know how it is possible

Folks are here are strong and you are, too - even if you don't know it yet. We are all strong because we have to be and staying in that dark place is not an option. I promise you will live again, even though it seems impossible. Right now, you just have to take each moment as it comes, and take good care of your body, mind and emotions. I remember a post that I read when I wasn't too far out: a widow was at her husband's funeral and a friend of theirs turned to her and said, "If there was ever a time to be selfish, now is that time." That has always stuck with me. There were many times I didn't answer the phone or door, just because I didn't have the energy.

There is much wisdom in the advice that has already been posted, and I will add: don't abuse drugs or alcohol to numb the pain - it will just delay the grieving process. In the early days, I kept my drinking under control while caring for my daughter because I knew she needed me. On the weekends that she stayed with her grandparents, I would watch Netflix and hit the bottle pretty hard. I remember one day I was pretty lit, but still conscious and lucid. I thought to myself: "I am so drunk right now, but the ache is still right there. It's just as big as it always is." I would later find that nothing would help but friends, family, and time.

Don't be afraid to accept help, and don't be afraid to reach out - especially to us. We have all been right there where you are now.
Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Jess

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2015, 03:52:48 PM »
Believe it or not, there are a few widows that managed to continue college, even graduate school. I hope some of them will chime in and let you know what their experience was like.

The road to living life is a hard one. I am still figuring it out for sure. There are times where it still feels pretty impossible, but then somehow it is possible. I don't want to paint either too rosy of a picture or too dismal of one. Your journey will be so individual and there is no way of knowing how it will be until it actually is. The great thing about this place is that while no one person can likely relate to everything you are thinking are feeling, along the way you will find plenty of people that can share aspects of your journey and say "Me too". Just know, whatever you think or feel is the right thing for you. We are here to vent to, commiserate with, to have a safe place to say things you can't say to people in your day to day life, and celebrate little and big successes along the way.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

jlp

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2015, 05:14:36 PM »
I am so sorry you've had to join our club but glad you found us.  I don't have a lot to add to the excellent suggestions already presented here.  I found it helpful to really try to stay in the present -- looking too far into the future was just too much.  A daily "to-do" list helped me to stay focused, even if it was just "go to the post office and get gas."

And remember to be kind to yourself.  We've all found ourselves in uncharted territory and it can be overwhelming.  There is no right or wrong -- try different things and go with what you find helpful.

And keep us posted -- we really do care.

Wheelerswife

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2015, 07:45:09 PM »
Believe it or not, there are a few widows that managed to continue college, even graduate school. I hope some of them will chime in and let you know what their experience was like.

I just read what Jess wrote.  I was back in the classroom 11 days after my husband died.  I felt like if I didn't have school, I wouldn't have had anything.  School forced me out of the house and gave me deadlines and some bit of purpose.  I managed to finish the second Bachelor's degree I was working on, and now, 19 months later, I am in my second semester of grad school.

We all need something to help us along.  You can decide for yourself what it is for you.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

Aspen530

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #11 on: August 25, 2015, 06:58:33 AM »
Thank you for your kind words, I go back to school the 8th and I am so scared. Who am I kidding I'm layin in my bed right now scared of the next 5 min.

I have decided to take a friend to our apartment today for maybe only a half hour. His family and mine sg have already been there and done some things but I had asked them to to leave certain things for me. Typing this our right now makes me want to throw up.  Please be sending good vibes my way this morning because I have a feeling I will be a puddle our old floor that someone will have to mop up.

I just want to keep screaming ahhhhh I hate this new me and this new life full of despair!!

DavidsKtBeth

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #12 on: August 25, 2015, 09:06:02 AM »
Sending good vibes your way!!!
?Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.?

"You could meet somebody tomorrow who would have better intentions for you than someone you?ve known forever. Time means nothing, character does."

Mizpah

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #13 on: August 25, 2015, 09:33:24 AM »
It's ok to be a puddle and it's ok to scream. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

gracelet

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #14 on: August 25, 2015, 11:48:19 AM »
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.  So very sorry.  I was 27 too when I was widowed.  it's shit.  It's truly shit.  There are no words.  For now, just survive.  Don't bother faking it til you make it.  One hour at a time.  One mouthful at a time.  One sip at a time.

Come here often.  Type, don't type.  Read. Chat.  I spent hours on this site every day for about three months and I still pop in every couple of days at two years out.

Focus on YOU, darling.  You can do it.  Just not all in one go.  Baby steps.

With love from one baby widow to another x
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com