1 week in... I don't know how I will do this

[donswife]

sending good vibes your way today
I am sure it was hard to go back to the apartment
I also wanted to tell you i am so sorry
wish I had more input for you but just keep reaching out
take care

[Jen]

Anne, this is redundant, but I just want to tell you again that I'm so, so sorry you had to look for us-- and grateful you found us. Scream, rant, cry, talk, read-- whatever you need. You're stronger than you know, but that's cold comfort right now. Drink some water. Breathe. We're here.

((((((((HUGS))))))))

Jen

[Lost35]

I'm so sorry you are here!  No one knows how to do this.  At some point, your heart keeps beating and you keep breathing and inch by inch, day by day or year by year you find you are still alive and breathing and your feet keep moving...

Let everyone who is around you hold you up for a while, until you have the strength you need to hold yourself.  You are in the best place you could be, having come here.  It was and remains, a life-line. 

Please take care.

-L.

[Aspen530]

It feels like everyday gets worse and worse... Like I've been shot in the chest without the luxury of dying.

I feel so alone.... My bones ache n my skin feels like it's crawling.

I wake up angry that I'm still breathing,

I'm so fucking terrified I can't stand it. Every minute feels like an eternity.

I see him in everything and everywhere.

I hate when people try to tell me to focus on the positive, there is nothing positive

I some times can not fathom making it through this

Sorry for the jumble of thoughts n rambling

[SoVerySad]

Anne, Please don't feel like you have to apologize here for sharing your feelings. Most of us have probably experienced them ourselves at some point. Boy, do I remember how slow time feels. Every day felt like an eternity in misery. I sometimes feel I haven't made too much progress in general, but I can tell you that eventually time does speed up again. Just this past weekend, I thought to myself how I need more hours in the day. That stopped me in my tracks as I realized that time was back to going quickly again for me. It does happen eventually. I know that doesn't help you right now when you're in those long, excruciating days, though.

At almost 2.5 years out, I still bristle when anyone makes a comment to me about any of this having a positive side or being part of a plan for me. Wrong!! I will find no positive to losing my husband too soon. I will try to move forward and find happiness where I can again, but there is nothing positive about this. We can grow to find new positives in our lives despite the blow we've been dealt and we can recognize blessings we sill have in our lives, but that doesn't mitigate the pain of the loss or make it right in any way.

I understand feeling like you won't make it through. I felt that way for a long time, yet somehow we do. Keep reaching out. We'll be here to help you.

More hugs...

[Trying]

All you need to focus on right now is breathing, drinking water and trying to eat a little something.  I would literally tell myself multiple times a day " just breath, inhale, exhale" repeat.  It was the only way to calm the rising panic long enough for me to do basic things. 

Do your best to not look too far ahead because it is overwhelming and unfathomable. Face each day or each hour as it comes.  I'm a list person so I would write down everything I had to do and cross them off as I did them. Some days it was shower, empty the dishwasher and feed the kids.  Some days it was big stuff like handling life insurance and bills.

People will say all kinds of crazy things to you because they really don't know how to help or just sit with you and your pain.  They are lucky to be ignorant.

You won't believe this now but time really does ease the pain.  You won't forget, you won't stop missing him, but you will find a way to cope and to live and to even be happy.

Keep reading and posting, we understand the huge range of emotions and fears and for me, knowing other people felt similar to me at least made me feel like I wasn't crazy.

[Jess]

SVS is so right. There is never any need to apologize for saying things here. This is a safe place where not only are we not judging, we have been there and we get it.

I remember how slow time seemed. By the time I was a month out, it felt like it had taken a damn year to live those awful 30 days. It was strange to wish time would speed up and at the same time wishing it wouldn't because every second was one more second to add the the growing pile of time that had elapsed since we had been together last. Widowhood is finding some way to live in a paradox.

And frankly, screw anyone that tries to tell you to feel one way or another. This is your loss. This is your grief. You need to feel whatever you need to feel to process this and it is okay. Keep breathing. This will likely be the scariest thing you will ever do, but you can do this. We are all with you.

[widowat33]

I can't really offer much more than what's already been written, but just wanted to say I get it.
For the first month after my husband died, all I remember doing is sitting on my front porch chain smoking (bad habit). I don't remember anything else. I do remember thinking that I would always feel like I did at that time, but I was wrong. Now just over a year later I am much better, in fact some days I am doing well. There are still bad days, triggers, and memories that feel like they will tear me apart. I know now for certain that it will always hurt, but it won't always hurt so much or maybe we just adapt to the pain and learn to manage it.
Mornings were hard for me as well, because it meant one more day without him, and I had to wake up to the reality that was my life..
I actually started a college program less than two months after he passed away. I had never went to college after high school, so 15 years later here I am a college student. I can honestly say it was the best decision I have made since being widowed. It helped me focus on something positive for the future, and got me out of the house when I would've been content to become a hermit   Luckily I have an amazing group of supportive fellow students who have become friends that I would never have met otherwise.
You are still so fresh in this journey, sending you hugs!

[Mizpah]

I hate when people try to tell me to focus on the positive

These people are fools.  I can't imagine ever telling someone who just lost the love of their life to focus on the positive.  It's an insane thing to say.  In the first few months, I adopted the "nod and smile" approach to all statements that were mind-blowingly dumb.  On the outside: nodding and smiling.  On the inside: "WTF?!  Are you f'ing kidding me?  The center of my world is DEAD!!!!!"  Invisible ear muffs.  Grieving is the best time to stop hearing.  You need to take all your dictates from inside yourself right now.  There are definitely little pieces of wisdom all over the place to cobble together, little verbal and philosophical life rafts here and there to grasp onto for dear life, but there is way more idiocy floating around. 

Honestly, grieving requires so much strength and resilience because you have to focus entirely on the negative.  Being in denial will not help you through it.  Being honest, having clarity and bravery, will.  F the positivity cult.  There will come a time when you are naturally open again to the beauty in life, but for now, grieving is your task.

[BrokenHeart2]

One day, hour or minute at a time Anne.  Oh I so remeber feeling that. At just a bit over 2 yrs it's very different for me but we all travel our own grief journey. Platitudes still drive me nuts but I've learned people can be uncomfortable a don't know what to say. The ones that just said I'm sorry said it all. My Mom was widowed for 25 yrs and I remeber she asked me if I found the days long. Yup, she got me. She's about the only one who did IRL.  2 weeks after DH died my youngest brother said to me " it's time to get on with it" WTF?  I told him I don't have a cold.  This is going to take a lot of time. He just didn't get it.  Hold on and take it easy. We're all here for you and we get it.  Hugs

[lcoxwell]

Grieving is the best time to stop hearing. 

Oh, how true this is! You will find that there will be well-meaning people, who are honestly trying to be supportive, but have no true idea of what you are going through. They will say all kinds of things, in an attempt to be helpful and to encourage. Only, their kind intentions end up causing far more pain than they realized. There are others, who are honestly at a loss for words and simply have no idea what they should be saying, so they end up saying all the wrong things. Some others may be heartless and callous, saying things that are meant to cause you pain, but I find those people to be the exception and not the rule, generally speaking. I, too, adopted the "nod and smile" method of dealing with them, and just learned to only listen to those who genuinely understood or made great efforts to.

The truth is, there is no way over, under, or around grieving. You must go through it, one way or another. Trying to avoid it, trying to only look at the positive and not deal with all that you have lost, will only cause you more problems emotionally and physically down the road. Of course, you do not always want to be steeped in the misery, wallowing in grief. From time to time, as you are ready, you do need to look at some positives, too, or you will never heal. The keys words there are "as you are ready". Until then, grieve in any way that you see fit, because there are no rules and no timelines in this process; and everyone must travel their own journey along this path.

[Aspen530]

Another morning up since 530am. Thought that continue to cross my mind, I wish it were me!!  He was stronger than me he could have done this and i just can't. I spent the last half
Hour listen to a video on my phone where he's laughin for 3 seconds.  I know it's not helping me but I can't stop. 

Unable to catch my breath looking at our dog or staring at ceiling.

Why did this happen??? I can't do it.  Everyday is a nightmare.

I miss him so much my whole body hurts. People tell me it will get better but I can't imagine that ever being possible.

We had so many plans. 27 is too soon.

How can this be my path? Such pain and despair. I don't want to go on...
I would never cause this type of pain to the people who love me and he would never forgive me even if death of I did but it still feels like I can't go on

People say the only way out is through but how does one indure this type of pain?!

My best friend is gone... N I want to die

[Jess]

Anne, I wish I could fix all of this awfulness for you. I couldn't imagine it ever getting better either. I am not even sure better is the right word for it. I think maybe it gets easier to live with the awful after a while. I remember how slow time felt. Every minute was torture. It will not always be like that.

I too had a video I would watch obsessively. The day before my husband died, we got a puppy. The video is of him playing with her. It was just so him... so normal. I had no idea 8-10 hours later he would be dead. I don'the watch it as much any more, but I treasure it.

You do not need to figure out how to make it through this nightmare right now. It will come with time. Eventually you will stop wishing a meteor crashed through your ceiling and ended it all. It took me several months to get there, but the first time I realized I wanted to live it was shocking. It is a weird thing to realize that a feeling of self preservation is shocking.

I know we keep repeating through the advice to take care of your basic needs like drinking water, trying to sleep, and trying to eat but at this point those are your only jobs and they are important. When you get the shock in days or months to come that you want to live, you will be glad you gave yourself the chance.

We are all here to listen and we care. Keep posting. We hear you and we get it.

[SoVerySad]

Anne, I'm sending you love and tight, tight hugs. I remember thinking the exact same thoughts that I wish it had been me instead, because my husband would have handled losing me better. I came to realize that he would have been just as devastated and heartbroken, because we loved each other so deeply. He handled many hardships in his life with strength and grace, but he never suffered as wounding a blow as losing the love of his life, his partner, his soft place to fall, his dreams for the future, etc. I think he'd be struggling just as deeply had the tables been turned.

I also understand your statement that your whole body hurts. I was shocked at the physical pain that accompanies the emotional pain - as if the emotional pain alone wasn't unbearable enough. Like Jess, I wish I had a way to lessen the hurt for you.

More hugs...

 

[Lost35]

Aspen530,  I wanted to be in the plane with him, if only to hold his hand.  If only to be there for him.  If only to know we both understood what was going to happen.  Then came wishing for five minutes.  I still do.  I still wish for five minutes.  No one will understand what you are living more than anyone here.  In the middle of the night, when it is hardest, there will be one kind soul who is feeling the same, who will hold your hand... And one day, in the future, only when you are able, whenever that may be, you will be the one, here in the middle of the night, helping someone else.  In the early days, in the first week, the only way I could imagine surviving was to know I would have the ability to help someone else.  It was the only thing that made sense.  Hold on to whatever gets you through the moments.  It may not seem enough, but I hope it is.  PM me if you need more.  I will do what I can to help...

-L.