Author Topic: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this  (Read 9342 times)

Quixote

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #30 on: September 07, 2015, 12:08:47 PM »
I can't add much, except to say I think we were all there.  And maybe still are.  It's the worst thing in the world that could happen, and it did.  You wish it was you instead of them, or failing that, you too. 

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

It won't be easy.  It probably shouldn't be.  Eventually, you find life worth it again.  But for now, just keep working on the breathing and don't try to stop the sadness.  Do hug that dog, though.

Guaruj

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #31 on: September 07, 2015, 02:02:55 PM »
I agree very much with this:

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

Our cat provided Catherine with companionship while she recovered from cancer treatments and I was at work. Now that Catherine is gone, I feel I owe this cat a happy life. He's laying behind the computer monitor as I type this. :) Caring for someone (or something else) gives structure to your life.

Anne, I'm sure your dog misses your fiance, too.  Please hang in there, and stay in touch with us.

|+|  M a r k  |+|
« Last Edit: September 08, 2015, 07:03:26 PM by Guaruj »

Aspen530

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #32 on: September 08, 2015, 05:35:50 PM »
Thank u so much!! I feel the same way, sometimes I get out bed just to take care of our dog champ.
She was he's baby and I can never let anything happen to her. 

If I do one thing all day is make sure she eats poops n gets exercise n I try to have faith that he's looking down on me smiling and proud

Jen

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #33 on: September 08, 2015, 10:09:00 PM »
More hugs, hon. I've been thinking about you... about everyone, just at a low point and not able to post. But I'm still here, still reading, and still holding on. We got you.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

lcoxwell

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #34 on: September 08, 2015, 10:26:42 PM »
I am another one, whose dogs helped me to survive and carry on, after the loss of my spouse. There were days I couldn't function at all, but I managed to take care of them. Had it not been for my dogs sleeping in my bed with me, I don't think I ever would have been able to sleep again, especially since my Kenneth died in our bed, next to me. With the dogs sleeping close to me, the emptiness was just ever so slightly more bearable.

About a month ago, I had to give up my dogs, when I moved to my new place. Every time I think of them, it brings me to tears, and I so wish I could have kept them. I hope that your dogs can bring you the peace that mine brought me, and that they can help you to heal in some small way.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Aspen530

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #35 on: September 09, 2015, 07:02:50 AM »
I woke up at 430am today...

My mind is on repeat, hearing the news that the one person I love n the person who took care of me is dead.
 This pain is so deep I feel like I need to cut it out. Like someone please cut my chest open and tear this pain away from my soul.

My skin feels like it's crawling. My heart is racing and the feeling that my protector isn't here anymore brings me to panic.
Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.

I wanna chain smoke cigarettes n cry till I either pass out or sleep. Even though I can't shut my eyes n not see his face.
I wish the pain on the inside was outside, I'd know how to fix that kind. This type of pain can not be fixed or masked. 

I'm either hearing Butch (Jason, which I never called him) is dead or my own thoughts of I wish I was. 

I'm thinking about going to a grief share (group thing) tonight, but I don't know...
I don't know anything anymore over than I may be breathing but my life is over

Wheelerswife

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #36 on: September 09, 2015, 07:47:23 AM »
Ah, Aspen,

So much anguish!  I am also a grad student and I work in student support services, in the center on our campus that houses our counseling services.  I've had a counselor from the same center in which I work since a couple of days after my second husband died.  I hope that you feel you can take advantage of services that are right alongside you.

Have you thought about asking to change your GA position?  I would hope that folks in Student Affairs would be able to understand that the position you currently have is pretty overwhelming for someone freshly widowed.  Then again, you may wish to stay where you are, but there might be a healthier alternative for you at this point.

I'll be thinking of you today.  I will be spending some of my day promoting the concept of Ability Allies...in recognition of the 25th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  My first husband had a physical disability and now I cope with anxiety myself.  We will both get through this day...one moment at a time..

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Michael797

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #37 on: September 09, 2015, 12:52:30 PM »
Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.


I saw my fianc?e's body at 7:30 am. By 10 am, I was at school teaching a full day of classes. I honestly didn't know what else to do with myself. I remember absolutely nothing from that day; the horror continued when I got back home, but that's another, equally ugly story.

You're pretty much in auto-pilot mode right now - the shock sort of overrides any rational thought. You're moving through time fairly mechanically, wondering whether it's some sort of horrible nightmare, half expecting a hundred people to come bursting through a door yelling "Surprise!"

You are destined to get through this, as all of us are. Most of us still wonder why it happened to us, none of us got a choice. But you are now on "widow radar" and the more you post or vent or rage or scream, the easier it is for us to find you and look after you. If the outside world takes its good old time to understand what you're going through (and it just might), we hear you loud and clear. If you feel yourself falling, one or more of us will catch you. If you feel like you're losing your mind, we have a lost and found section and someone probably already turned it in. There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.

For now, all bets are off. Do whatever you need to - we'll back you. That's how it's done.

Aspen530

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #38 on: September 09, 2015, 03:23:19 PM »
Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

I don't know what to do with myself I come "home" and I just sit at their dinning room table and sob.

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

Jen

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #39 on: September 09, 2015, 03:50:59 PM »
There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.


I just want to emphasize this. We get it. We don't want to, but we do. Keep talking. We're here, and we're listening.

(((((((HUGS)))))))

I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Michael797

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #40 on: September 09, 2015, 04:31:36 PM »
Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

Ditto. That was the ugly part I didn't want to mention. I came home to find out I had that night to get everything I owned out of the place. Long story, don't want to tell it.

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

Nobody knows. Do you have any allies at work - someone who you can at least count on to understand? You'll need at least one.

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

Got that. No magic wand, truly sorry. You have a lot to process and not much to work with. All I can say is that if I got through it, you can too.

What I'm NOT going to tell you is that it takes time. About a week after the horror struck, I found myself at a Barnes & Noble scouring every book on grief I could find. The author of one book in particular mentioned that if all it took was time, you could go to bed for about two years, wake up, and it would all be over.

But you do need allies, folks you can vent to pretty much any old time. We can do that here, but communication on the board is asynchronous - there will always be a delay of some kind. It would be better to have real-time, on-demand support if you can get it. If not - well, we'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

Check back as often as you need - some of us "vets" are on newbie alert, so we'll do what we can as we can.

Lisa

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #41 on: September 09, 2015, 06:10:05 PM »
Sending you support and caring
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

Quixote

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #42 on: September 09, 2015, 08:19:54 PM »
Been there. Christ, the pain. It's overwhelming and very honestly, you won't act entirely rationally for a while. You won't care about important things. But small things can send you into flaming anger or uncontrolled sobbing.

If you can stand it, try to be around people who love you. By yourself time can be dangerous. Although you'll need some of that, too

Jen

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #43 on: September 09, 2015, 08:25:11 PM »
So many hugs. I wish I had more to offer... something concrete, other than endless "I'm sorry's." They don't help. I know that, but I still am so, so sorry. That pain-- the feeling that every breath is a hot knife stabbing you-- It passes, it really does, though I'm sure that's hard to believe right now. One hour at a time... one minute... one agonizing breath. Just hold on. Hold on. (((((HUGS)))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

lcoxwell

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Re: 1 week in... I don't know how I will do this
« Reply #44 on: September 09, 2015, 10:17:39 PM »
When I was on about the same timeline that you are, I remember having a particularly bad day at work and coming "home" to a miserably empty house, in which all I could do was cry. I had heard some say to just take things one step at a time. I had also heard grief described as coming in waves. I remember coming to this site's predecessor and saying something along the lines of, "It's hard to take baby steps, when you are drowning in the middle of the ocean, and your feet can't touch the shore." We all understand the pain and the depths of despair. Please, please fell free to lean on us, any time you have a need.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.