Author Topic: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days  (Read 2587 times)


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My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« on: August 26, 2015, 08:43:49 AM »
Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. It will have been 12 days since my love has been gone. I'm so scared of what's to come let alone being 27 without him! I can't imagine what I'm supposed to do. Family n friends want to take me to dinner or something.

There is nothing to celebrate!!

Someone please help me w a few ideas on how to make it through the day



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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #1 on: August 26, 2015, 08:47:42 AM »
My first birthday without him I stayed at a small hotel on a river and sat on the balcony in a blanket for hours, had silence and solitude, did some writing and reading, but mostly just stared at river and mountains.  It felt right for me.  The second year I went to the opera alone - I wanted to be alone but around people and wanted some intensity and beauty.  My third year I let my family and friends be around me.  In the beginning, I couldn't handle gatherings or anything that even resembled celebration.  Whatever you do, my advice is to do what YOU want, and do it HOW you want.  If at one moment you want to laugh, and at another you want to cry, that's all fine.   
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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #2 on: August 26, 2015, 09:05:29 AM »
My husband died on his birthday. My son's birthday was the next day.  Birthdays are bad triggers for me and I haven't really celebrated my own since he died; which has only been one so far.  I went out of town for the weekend with a friend but couldn't stand to be around my family or others I had spent birthdays with in the past. For me, it had to be different. And I had to be away from work, where I had always received flowers from him every birthday.  I still don't enjoy birthdays. May never again, but I just tried to get something different out of the day and it worked well for me.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #3 on: August 26, 2015, 09:07:52 AM »
My first birthday without him was about 6 or 7 weeks after he was gone. I had some friends come get me and take me out. By that time I wasn'the bothered about crying in public so much so time away was really nice, despite tears. The thing I have trouble wrapping my mind around is that he died when I was 35 and in a couple weeks I will be 37. It doesn't seem possible that a little over a year since he died I will be two ages he never experienced with me. Strange times.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2015, 09:42:54 AM »
All of the "firsts" are so hard, especially so soon.  Do t do anything you don't want to do and let your family and friends know in advance what you want or need.  If you want a distraction tell them so.  If you want to talk about your love, tell them so.  If pretending it's a celebration feels false to you, tell them so.  You may not even know what you want or need and thats ok too.  Your birthday is not about pleasing anyone else, I hope you get through the day as best as you can.
You will forever be my always.


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #5 on: August 26, 2015, 10:36:31 AM »
Tight hugs to you, Anne. I understand that you might not feel like celebrating. I'm sure your family and friends will as well. I echo the others who say to just do what feels most manageable for you. Let your family and friends know that may be very fluid as it is hard to know exactly how you will feel at the time.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #6 on: August 26, 2015, 12:30:27 PM »
Hi Anne -

Seems we share a birthday - I turn 30 tomorrow.  It's my 3rd without my Tim. 

I will echo what others said above - as well meaning as your family and friends may be, as much as they might want to "take your mind off it" for a few hours to enjoy yourself (not understanding that it's not possible to get your mind off your loss at this point, even for a second) - if you don't feel like going out please tell them so.  Being out in public and putting on a brave face at this point is probably exhausting to the point of impossibility to you right now...if you tell them that, they should all understand.

I don't honestly remember what I did for my first birthday without him.  I know I didn't want anyone to acknowledge it.  I think I may have just locked myself in a room with his urn and a bottle of something.  That's the one route I'd recommend you NOT take - isolation and intoxication were a horrible combination for me early on and tended to cause me to spiral out emotionally even more than I already had.

If people want to do something special for you, I would suggest that maybe you all order in from a favorite restaurant?  Maybe (if it's tolerable, of course) even one that was dear to your and your fiance?  And if you want, see if they'll just keep you company while you do whatever it is you need at the time, whether it's talking about your beloved, crying and screaming, or just starting at the wall - all of which are valid and totally understandable things to want to do. 

Good luck tomorrow, whatever that happens to mean at this messed up time.  I'll be thinking about you tomorrow as I'm gritting my own teeth through this no-longer-feeling-special day.  ((HUGS))
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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2015, 09:37:52 PM »
(((((Anne))))) I am so, so sorry. It's not fair, you shouldn't be in this place... none of us should. The only tiny speck of light in this part of hell is the fact that you're not alone, I promise.

I marked (not celebrated!) my first birthday without my dh a little less than 6 months after he died. In a month and 4 days I'll be marking (not celebrating!) the second. Last year I made sure to be off that day; this year, for the first time ever, I've scheduled myself to work. All the days are hard, but the special occasions... they seem especially challenging. Hold on, okay? Breathe. We'll all get through...

lots of hugs,


PS I love your screen name. I grew up in CO, and I adore aspens. :)
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #8 on: August 27, 2015, 06:31:26 AM »
this is such good advise and I echo , do what feels right for you
You probably don't know what that is right now so let them know that
I can't remember what I did for my birthday but I know I didnt want to celebrate because Don wasn't here
Try your best to just get through the day and Breath !
take care
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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #9 on: August 27, 2015, 09:06:53 AM »
Thinking of you today.  My widow friends and I, on each other's birthdays, instead of "Happy birthday!," say "Birthday!," so: Birthday, my dear.  Thinking of you and wishing you moments of solace and comfort. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)


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Re: My birthday is tomorrow n it's been 12 days
« Reply #10 on: August 27, 2015, 09:58:55 AM »
Happy birthday Anne and MrsTim! Thinking of you both. ((hugs))

Anne, if you don't feel like celebrating I'm sure your family would understand.

Last year was the first birthday I celebrated without my husband. I celebrated with close family. I do remember thinking the first week after my birthday that I was officially older than my husband. Ugh. We were 7 months apart. He died a week after his 39th birthday. Tomorrow I'll be 40. My birthday is bothering me more this year. We were already planning a 40th birthday party to celebrate both of us. Then maybe a trip just for the two of us.

"Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." Dr. Seuss