1 month tomorrow

[Aspen530]

Tomorrow September 15th will be one month since I lost him. Yesterday was a terrible day. Some days I just feel like I can't/won't make it.  I don't know what to do with myself. One day I think "you should go have yourself evaluated or put under watch" the next I start thinking maybe can I do this.

I don't want to do this, I don't want to be strong I WANT HIM!! I just wish God would take me and i would be with him. We had our whole lives to live together and now I will be forever without him. Without his laugh, without out hearing him make fun of me (we're very sarcastic people). I can't do this.

Butch made me feel safe and always loved, we would fight and i still heard the love in his anger. I no longer feel safe and i no longer feel like me, how can there even be a me without him?

I'm so angry i lash out at the people who are still here and love me.  I'm so angry I hate this world and this life. It feels as if there is no life.

30 days without him feels like an eternity. I feel like I  froze in time waiting for him to come back to me.   Which he will never do....

How do I stop this pain this deep pain where it feels like I've been cut open to bleed out and never do. I wish I was cut open then this would be over.

He passed away in his sleep at a friends house after a night of partying, we are still unsure of what caused his death but I suppose it doesn't matter either way he's gone.  His "friends" had a BBQ in his name the other night and I lost my fuckin mind. They were partying "in his name"  they actually had to balls to invite me!! How is that honoring someone who passed doing that?!? I told them I hope they kill themselves. They are so irresponsible  sure most of them drove home. I just lost my mind on the friend who called to invite me, I screamed get behind the wheel and cause this much pain to another family! I have so much hate in my heart it maybe tearing apart my insides.  I know I shouldn't have said the first part but the hatred took control. How do they call themselves his brother? He had two real brothers and a sister and a mom and me his fianc? who will forever feel the pain of losing family! REAL FAMILY!  Family that doesn't let their family take things to far. Don't get me wrong I'm so angry with Butch too, if I could punch him in the face I would, and he'd let me and just ask for more. 

My moods and emotions are so unstable it's breaking me at the seams. He was the only one who could put me back together and he's gone. How will I do this alone?! We've been together since I was 20 I don't know who I  am without him, we became adults together. We struggled together no there is no more together there is only alone.  Everything reminds me of him, because he was my world. Now I don't have a world I have hell. 

I know if he's watching he wouldn't want this for me. He'd want me to try and no my best but I've tried for 29 days and I just can't anymore. It has exhausted every part of me to make it to 29. 

I'm so scared....  I'm so scared.... I'm so scared

If I miss him this much at 30 days how will I feel at 60? Or thanksgiving when his mom won't get a ham (he's was the one who liked it) what about winter?!? It was his favorite he'd bundle me up like the kid from a Christmas story to go let the dog out and smoke a cig, I will have to zip my own jacket. When it snows I may actually lose my mind.  He loves to take the dog out n watch her try to catch the snowflakes.... I know the world keeps going and the seasons will change but I'm not changing I'm stuck here at what feels like day 1.

Sunday I had thoughts of self harm --which I've never before -- n having those thoughts alone scares me, did I mention before I was scared, ha. I was just thinking it would be nice if my outside felt like my insides... This dark place lasted 12 hours yesterday.  I am going to therapy today and will discuss it there but I'm afraid they'll lock me up or something! Maybe that's what I need I don't know, that's the problem I don't know anything .

I made it through my "week" (only 3 days a week it's a grad assistantship)of work last week and tomorrow Will start 3 more and I just don't know how I will do it. I don't even know how I'm managing to breath right this second.

I just don't know how to go on.... How to not listen to the only video I have of him laughing for 3 seconds at his niece I don't think it's helping me I just don't know how else to feel him near me

😰😰😰😰😰

[Wheelerswife]

Aspen,

I'm so glad you are expressing your deep, deep pain.  The loss of what has become your other half can feel like you have been cut off from your very breath.  I'm glad you have your therapist today...and that you have your grad assistanceship to give you something else on which to focus.  Sometimes, time to think can be our enemy as well as our friend.

Butch's friends don't live every moment truly experiencing his loss.  They really don't understand and I certainly can't fathom why they decided to celebrate his life in a manner that may have been a contributing factor to his death.  Perhaps, sadly, it is all that they know.  Perhaps they are drowning their own sorrows.  None-the-less, what they did was certainly insensitive to you.

Hang in there.  Paraphrasing something I've seen elsewhere...so far, as bad as my days have been, my success rate of getting through them has been 100%.  The same has happened for you.  But if you truly think you will harm yourself, I hope you seek help.  We will be here through the worst of your days.  We've been there, and as hard as it is, we know it doesn't stay as acutely painful as it is right at this moment.  Just today I read a post from someone who talked about taking a step forward in her life...something she never could have imagined when she lost her husband.  There is hope...it just isn't visible at 29 or 30 days out.

Hugs,

Maureen

[Mizpah]

All the things you said sound normal.  How will you do it?  Just like this.  Painfully.  In suffering.  Agonizing.  All of your feelings (anger, feeling like you have no identity, unstable, like you may be insane, like the nature of time has changed, like you no longer know anything) are totally normal for someone in our completely abnormal nightmarish situation - the early days especially.  This journey is a very long one, and while getting through the next 60 may not hurt less, in time the pain DOES get less raw and less soul-searing, and you become more accustomed to living with it and far more functional.  I'm sure this is of no help now when the pain feels so unbearable, but it's true and I hope you'll hang on to that, knowing that there are all of us cheering you on, who've been exactly where you are - I truly did not believe I could survive the pain.  One day you will look back at this 30-days-out person with the greatest compassion and wish you could give your old self huge hugs and take away her pain.  You can make it.  You will make it.  You feel stuck, like it's day one, but 30 days is (yes, an eternity to survive and endure but also) just the tip of the iceberg.  Be patient with yourself.  And as for strong, you are.  Strength is facing your despair and letting it bowl you over. 

As for the thoughts of self-harm, I'm glad they were just thoughts and scared you and that you're going to therapy.  I think we ALL had thoughts of wishing for relief from this, to join them, at times.  I hope you will not act on any of it.  You must live now for the both of you. 

[Jess]

Hi Aspen,

I have always said that I was never suicidal but did want to die. If I am really, truly honest with how I felt, that is not entirely true. I started avoiding driving for the first couple months. It wasn't because I was going to veer off the road purposely or drive into incoming traffic. The real reason was when I would get back to the home we shared and pull into the garage, I would hit the button on the automatic garage door opener and watch it close and then think about how easy it would be to simply stay in the car and not shut it off and let myself slip away. Obviously, I never did it and am so thankful for not making that choice.

In its simplest form, surviving this is simply allowing yourself to keep breathing and waking up each day. Whether a day is awful, impossible, mediocre, or even good doesn't change the survival of that day. Survival is easy since you have to physically commit to an action to stop doing it. I think too often we search for a reason to keep going, when really we need to be looking at reasons not to choose to stop surviving. I, for one, find myself much more indecisive than I ever have been before. So a big reason I did not choose to stop surviving was because that was too damn big of a decision for me. That may sound like a lame reason, but it was enough for me. That is why I chose my signature line roughly a year ago- to remind myself I could keep going, even when I didn't want to do so.

Since you have had feelings of self harm, I am so relieved you are going to therapy today. We understand what you are going through and how you feel, but are not trained therapists and can only give so much help. I started therapy very early with weekly appointments. After a while, we went to every two weeks, and finally monthly. Just shy of one year, I felt okay enough to stop. I know the door remains open to return if I need to. I also blogged daily back then and visited the boards. Having an outlet to let all of it hang out was so helpful and getting feedback and support meant the world for me. I know people here or people I connected with through my blog are not licensed therapists, but since I had one of those the solidarity of community helped me immeasurably. You are very good at laying out your thoughts and saying how you feel, so I am hoping getting it out there is helping you, too.

As for anger, it happens. There's just way too much in this new world to be pissed off at, isn't there? People that don't get (well intentioned or not), your fiance that left, the shambles of what you planned for your future, and so on and so on and so on. Lashing out happens. People that love you will understand it is part of you processing everything and will continue on loving you. It's just a time that feels impossible. It will get easier some day. I know that today is not that nebulous, currently unimaginable "some day" so that sentiment may be of little comfort, but it will happen. For now, just keeping breathing.