Author Topic: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?  (Read 4343 times)

sdarrah1130

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Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« on: May 14, 2015, 07:12:08 PM »
Lately I've been feeling everytime I go out people are looking at me. Like I have a big stamp on my forehead that says widow.

I know it's probably just me but does anyone else feel this way?
« Last Edit: May 14, 2015, 07:20:11 PM by sdarrah1130 »
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anniegirl

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2015, 10:22:51 PM »
I felt that way. Obviously different in a way that anyone with eyes could see.

And in the beginning, that might have been a bit true. I was exhausted. Puffy-eyed. And I just drifted about in slow-motion while everything whipped around me (or so it felt).

But the reality is that most people aren't paying attention to anything other than their own lives, issues, needs and wants. And if they do notice something is amiss, they are unlikely to guess at the real cause. Young widowed is not common in our society. And maybe that contributes to the feeling that we stick out too.

This is normal. Like many things, it fades with tiime.



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BrokenHeart2

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2015, 05:37:57 AM »
Yup, I felt like I had a big W stamped on my forehead. It's lessened now nearing 2 yrs but earlier on it was so weird.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

swilson

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2015, 05:39:54 AM »
I don't notice strangers looking but people who know me are. I've lost about 30 since she died and wasn't a big dude before. Close friends will bluntly say "You look like hell" and others will ask a monotone "So how it goin?" As anniegirl said most folks are just dealing with their own stuff and too focused to notice.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

Jess

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2015, 07:50:08 AM »
My husband and I worked at the same company and I still work there. They did an amazing job immediately taking care of anything I needed. However, I do feel like when people see me they see the W on my forehead. I switched office locations after he passed and that helps a little because I know less people and keep to myself most of the time, but I still feel like people are looking. I also feel like I spend a lot of energy on appearing okay and functional. I am functional these days, just not optimal.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Jen

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2015, 10:38:04 AM »
I'm an introvert, and have always been accustomed to doing things on my own-- movies, meals, hanging out at Starbucks. It never bothered me, because I knew I could go home to my sweet homebody dh when I was finished with my "me time." Now it's the default-- I'm always alone, and there's no one waiting at home for me, and I feel so self-conscious all the time. It's irrational, I know, but I feel as though people are watching me, gauging every move I make-- I have no idea why. I don't stick out any more now that I did before dh died, but now I'm acutely aware of my every move, and sure I'm wearing a big scarlet W on my chest.

I'm like Jess-- functional (most of the time), but far from optimal. I don't know when-- or, realistically if-- that will ever change.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Lisa

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2015, 10:47:27 AM »
I walked around in a daze ipor crying for a long time. My pallor was dull. I didnt get my bright complexion back for years. I think there is a new widow look. That's how we spot each other at bagos. Dont worry what other people think. Just be you.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

Jen

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #7 on: May 16, 2015, 10:52:52 AM »
Dont worry what other people think. Just be you.

Tried that. Evidently "just me" is somebody off-putting and undesirable. :(

Sorry, self-pity is incredibly ugly. Just where I am.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

anniegirl

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2015, 12:19:25 PM »
Just being you is hard and easy at the same time.

Hard because -yes, people are going to be annoyed. But that's really because so few of us really walk around as ourselves that when someone does, it upsets and unsettles those who couldn't take off their masks, even if they wanted to and most of them don't.

Easy though because it's less work. Grieving is work enough without maintaining a facade for others.

Being you in grieving mode is what makes people uncomfortable because they don't know what to do for you and letting them know that there isn't much and they should just chill sometimes makes it easier for them and for you.
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Lisa

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2015, 09:45:12 PM »
Hugs Jen.
"All the waves must reach the shore before the water calms"-Ray ♡

ThursdaysSuckNow

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2015, 12:00:29 PM »
Grieving is work enough without maintaining a facade for others.

I wish more people could grasp this simple statement.

Captains wife

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #11 on: September 16, 2015, 12:18:39 PM »
I'm 3 plus years out and I still feel that way a bit. And for some reason I tell alot of people too, probably too quickly, after they start prying into my life/marital status. But I will say that 3 years out, it "feels" different from the first year. For the first year, so much of my life was about being a widow, now at year 3 I am figuring out what direction I want my life to go in and how I can be a happy single mother. I thought in year 1 that everyone in my small town heard what happened to my husband and to our family and that I was the only widow in town - but I realised over time, I blended in like everyone else, most people were oblivious to our story and I did meet some other very local widows. This is very early for you so please give yourself time to grieve and adjust to this new phase of life. It is so so tough but I will tell you from personal experience that it does get easier over time (to learn to live with).  Sending lots of support, and wishing you all the best.

Mizpah

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2015, 02:02:05 PM »
I went back and forth in the early days from feeling conspicuous (maybe it was all the public crying), to feeling invisible, like the world was just something I was watching from a very strange, numb, painful, coma-like place, and not taking part in it.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

MrsMisterman

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2015, 09:39:42 PM »
I don't know about a stamp on my forehead, but I clearly remember feeling like a wounded baby gazelle. I felt certain every predator within a mile could sense my vunerability. Ready to pounce and tear me to shreds. And I was so emotionally weak and defeated, I would have just bared my neck and belly.  Praying for a quick ending.

I was a practical agrophobic for the two months or so. Safer that way.  I needed time to lick my wounds.

All of widowhood is a mind fuck.  But feeling unprotected and alone for the first time in my 48 years was a serious mind fuck.

_________________________
Now I have loved you like a baby,
Like some lonesome child.
I have loved you in a tame way,
And I have loved you wild.

Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours. KLM 7/11/55 to 4/24/12

gracelet

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Re: Out in public? Do I have widow stamped on my forehead?
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2015, 06:49:56 AM »
Particularly when I'm stressed, I get paranoid and think people are looking at me.  Strangers who know something because I've ended up in the Truman show or something.  However, I am bipolar so prone to a spot of this kind of thinking.

For the most part, people are not going to be looking at you sweetie.  OK, if you're bawling your eyes out next to the milk in the supermarket then probably yes, but it's all in our minds.

Friends, on the other hand, like the others say, are a different story...
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com