Author Topic: .  (Read 3364 times)

Abitlost

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« on: September 14, 2015, 11:47:53 AM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:52:07 PM by Abitlost »

Captains wife

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2015, 01:27:51 PM »
Ouch Abitlost. First of all, I am very sorry as that is very painful to go through in Chapter 2, especially with a 4.5 year history. Its completely understandable you "are not handling it well" - such a loss, post loss is hard to endure. It seems you were willing to put in the work/effort for all his issues and he should have felt blessed and lucky you were willing to do that for him. Sometimes, I dont understand men/people....

I have been through less severe break-ups in Chapter 2 and I have learned this - it is honestly better in the long run (even through painful right now) to be either on one's own or seeking the "right" partner rather than put yourself through continued pain/trials and tribulations of a current relationship that isnt working or stay with a partner isnt willing to put in the effort to make it work. If for whatever crazy reason this person in your life wants to move forward in a relationship without you, thats his bad choice and its best that you move on (easier said than done I know). I really believe in the no contact rule for a period when you have been through a rough break up....and even if the partner tries  to convince otherwise. I dont think after a deep, passionate relationship that most people can "just be friends" in the immediate term - only in the past 3 years have I been able to be friends with someone I was in love with 10+ years ago, for example.

Im sorry again you are hurting - many of us have been through this Chapter 2 pain and it IS awful to endure. Please be good to yourself, and allow yourself grieving time for this additional loss. (To share, I was a blubbering mess post my first break-up, and even took sick days from work to recuperate - and I consider myself a very strong woman....). Think about the no contact rule for a while - and see how things settle. If you have this desperate need to contact him, contact a friend or post on here to vent instead. (I am thankful for one widow friend on here who convinced me NOT to contact a boyfriend after a sudden breakup and I would text her to get my thoughts out of my head rather than contacting him). Let yourself have a chance to think about you and your needs again.

Sending lots of Chapter 2 support.....

Mizpah

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2015, 02:46:59 PM »
I can feel the pain in your writing, and have so much sympathy/empathy/compassion.  I too am terrible at breakups.  And it sounds like you've done ALL you can do and more to try to make this work and show him you care and don't want it to end.  One of the worst parts of breakups for me is the powerlessness, which is also a horrible part of going through widowhood/loss. 

Before DH, I was in a relationship that lasted about seven years.  He cheated and we broke up but remained in contact for a couple months, mostly to take care of practical details like our apartment, but it sometimes devolved into a painful discussion of what had occurred.  After two months, I cut off contact.  I recovered so much faster than I had been while we'd been in contact.  When we'd been in contact, there was at least part of me that (against my own conscious will, because once someone cheats I'm done) used every contact to try to show him he should come begging back.  Each communication had an agenda, though I certainly wouldn't have admitted it (to myself) back then - restoring his desire to want to be with me, making him see in me all the things that would make him think/feel/say: "What have I done?  I was so stupid." 

My mother compares breakups to detoxing.  The connection is addictive.  The closeness is addictive.  The feelings are addictive.  The person is addictive.  It takes a long time to detox.  And suffering through is the only way. 

It was always the illogic that got me stuck in breakups and I would get stuck, in your shoes, on the whole "I want to heal and be in a healthy relationship but not with you" thing.  It would occupy my mind forever, I'd need to understand, I'd spend hours and emotions and tears on trying to understand.  Finally in my own breakup I had to adopt a mantra and say it over and over in my head until I detached myself emotionally from him: "He is irrelevant - I am my center."  Because the breakup (not even the relationship - the breakup itself) had completely displaced me - my thoughts and feelings were obsessively centered either on him or in that space/relationship between us that I was completely fixated on.  I had to re-center.

Being with an adult victim of abuse is so hard (I say this from (current) experience).  It's a totally different universe.  And the person who is "normal" and able to love fully seems always to be the one suffering.  And suffering so deeply.  Maybe he's pushing you away so you don't eventually reject him.  He knows it's him.  You know it's him.  But it hurts so much.  I used to say about my ex that no matter what, I'd rather be me than him, even though I was the one suffering, because I was able to love/feel genuinely and deeply. 

I'm babbling and will stop.  I'm thinking of you.  You will feel better.  You will.  I wish you didn't have to hurt. 

Edited: I'd rather be ME than HIM!!!!  Totally different thing!!!!  Was saying that despite the rejection and hurt, I was the one who was capable of real, deep things. 
« Last Edit: September 15, 2015, 02:23:25 PM by Mizpah »
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Trying

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2015, 06:22:44 PM »
I am really sorry to hear about the breakup and the obvious pain it is causing you. The whole "it's probably better in the long run" will do nothing to ease the hurt you are feeling. I hope you can give yourself the time and space to grieve this loss so you can know in your heart that it really was him, not you, and that you deserve better in a relationship. My heart goes out to you, you obviously have so much love to give to someone deserving.
You will forever be my always.

Abitlost

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« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2015, 09:12:52 PM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:52:25 PM by Abitlost »

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2015, 09:22:07 PM »
Abitlost...let him go.  You deserve better than a boy wanting to connect with Mommy.  Cut ties for min 30 days and see how you are feeling. A councillor suggested that to me back in my 20's with an ex. Made all the difference in the world
Peace and hugs to you
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Abitlost

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2015, 10:55:30 PM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:52:34 PM by Abitlost »

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #7 on: September 15, 2015, 12:21:46 AM »
Good for you.  I hope you find a man deserving of you and your kids!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Mac

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #8 on: September 15, 2015, 02:18:49 PM »
(((Abitlost))) Wishing all the best for you.
Grateful for the past. Embracing the present. Trusting in the future.

Abitlost

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2015, 06:59:16 PM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:52:45 PM by Abitlost »

Trying

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2015, 09:03:31 PM »
I think you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Focus on healing yourself, you can't fix him, that's his job.  I say this with the utmost empathy, as someone who would like to fix everyone I care about(and some people I don't even really care about, lol). 
You will forever be my always.

sunshinedaydreamz

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2015, 09:45:13 PM »
It sounds like it's not worth pursuing this guy.
I would save your money.
« Last Edit: September 16, 2015, 03:22:11 AM by sunshinedaydreamz »

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #12 on: September 15, 2015, 10:05:14 PM »
Must agree with Trying to 'focus on you'. That's where the 30 days of no communication helps.best of luck to you with whatever you do!
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Abitlost

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2015, 09:36:58 AM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:52:55 PM by Abitlost »

Abitlost

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Re: Weak and shattered
« Reply #14 on: September 23, 2015, 11:01:10 PM »
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« Last Edit: December 20, 2015, 07:53:05 PM by Abitlost »