Author Topic: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.  (Read 6306 times)

sj85

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
I occasionally visited the old board, don't think I ever posted... hell,  don't think I ever registered.

I just turned 30 in January, lost my wife, (call her that, had for years, for what it's worth, which isn't much.) last May.

The coroner said it was the result of an arteriovenous malformation.

One day she was fine, that evening she had a seizure, which she's never had, the doctors sent her home from the er saying it was probably due to a uti or something.
That night I woke at 2:50 am and found her unresponsive on the bathroom floor, I couldnt get the door open because her head was blocking it and I didn't want to injure her neck. I thought she was gonna be ok. As I was talking with the 911 dispatch, she stopped breathing.

Firefighters and emts arrived, she coded in the hall, they got her heart started again, but didn't get her breathing. By the time they had she'd gone about ten minutes without.

There was so much more after that, and an eventual declaration of brain death, several more days of hell because we're both organ donors, waiting for them to make their arrangements.

But I had next to no say in any of it. There's no common law in my state, and I was treated like a stranger.

Our kids, one from her first marriage, whose bio dad hasn't been in her life since age two, and our son, both have emotional delays and disorders.

Our daughter is living with her grandmother, I see her once a week. Our son is here with me.

We were homebodies together, we didn't have friends, really, not with us as busy as we were trying to put our lives in order so late in the game. I had been a stay at home dad homeschooling our daughter, we lived on her student loans, she went back to school at 30 and was one semester away from her teaching degree.

It's been since last May, and I still feel like the only native speaker of a language built for two. People hear that I'm "widowed" and either talk around it or handle me with kid gloves.

I found a job that I threw myself into, and am trying to be good to my kids.

I have an empty life I'm filling with distraction. Guilt and baggage and pain I try, to often, to ignore.

I have children I'm ill suited to raise, pets I don't have time to care for properly, and loneliness I want to fill, but worry it's useless and foolish.

I've pulled a "fiddle-dee-dee," scarlet ohara for awhile now, and it's been catching up to me.

...consider this an unmarried widow coming out from wherever he is.

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 06:11:17 PM »
Quote
I have an empty life I'm filling with distraction. Guilt and baggage and pain I try, to often, to ignore.

I have children I'm ill suited to raise, pets I don't have time to care for properly, and loneliness I want to fill, but worry it's useless and foolish.

You matter.

And you're perfectly normal b/c the emptiness, baggage, guilt, pain and trying to pretend that it's not there or that you're fine when that not true - that's one of the definitions of widowhood.

I thought I was a terrible mother that first year. I even considered giving my daughter to my sister to raise because I was sure that I was ruining her for life.

The first year is hard. You do what you can and don't beat yourself up about the rest. It'll come. Or it won't. Because maybe it's not that important.

Glad you stopped lurking. Welcome to the club that no one wants to belong to.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

Wheelerswife

  • Member
  • Posts: 1069
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 06:17:25 PM »
@sj85,

I just wanted to welcome you formally to this board.  I'm glad you came out of the shadows to join us.  It must be difficult to have lost your love, your way of life, your access to your daughter....all at the same time that you have been denied of your place as the husband to your wife.  So  much of what you describe is normal for a grieving spouse, but you seem to have more isolation than some of us have, and that just makes it harder.  Sometimes it is all we can do to dive into a job (or for me, school) and get through each day by whatever distraction comes our way.

It wasn't supposed to be this way.  It wasn't.  Still, I think your move to join us is a positive thing.

Hugs, 

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

sj85

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2015, 06:19:32 PM »
thanks. I figure it's time to air out some of the thoughts and feelings about... all of this. I remember shortly after losing her I came across the other board. I looked for it today and saw it was no more.

Nearly said screw it, that's no more than I should expect, but did a bit more googling. Was pleased to find this.

Hopefully some camaraderie and being able to relate may help.

Thanks for the kind welcome.

lcoxwell

  • Member
  • Posts: 671
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2015, 07:33:25 PM »
I want to join the others in welcoming you.  I am also glad you came out of the shadows.  I am so sorry that you were treated as a stranger, after the loss of your love.  It sucks!  Everything about this sucks, but all the emotions you describe feeling are emotions that many of us here have expressed, at one point or another.  Please post as often as you need to. I am sure there will always be someone here, who will understand.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Jess

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 670
  • AKA Jezzy
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2015, 09:03:32 PM »
sj85, I was so very moved by your story. It breaks my heart. I am so sad that you have been through what you have and are going through what you are going through now. I am thankful you have posted and I hope sincerely you continue to because you put into words what many feel or have felt so eloquently. We are here to listen.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

sj85

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2015, 10:17:08 AM »
It's easy to be eloquent when you've repeated the same story in your head, regularly, but have no one who'd understand it if you were to tell them.

Finally feeling like there are people who can relate makes it a release.

I'll be more active as time goes, I think. This board could be the cathartic release I've lacked.

BrokenHeart2

  • Member
  • Posts: 958
  • Widowed 2013
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2015, 11:44:21 AM »
Welcome SJ85. So glad you found us. Post away because yes we do get it. Getting your thoughts out and having people that can relate is cathartic. The support is very helpful too.
Hugs to you.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

OSAAT

  • Member
  • Posts: 71
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2015, 12:06:36 PM »
Hi sj85. Welcome to the board. I, too, am glad you decided to post. There are some pretty cool people here. I wasn't married either, and although parts of our stories are different, I can really relate to a few things you mentioned. Because of circumstances surrounding his death, I was treated more like an enemy than a stranger. Both leave you feeling awful. It intensely complicated my grief and added layers for me. I was grieving so deeply and became really depressed. The typical loneliness that a widda feels is enough, but mine was super intensified by those who called me names and judged me mercilessly. It was an intense uphill battle, that's for sure. I am happy to report that I no longer give 2 shits about any of the opinions of the judgy mcjudgersons. I gained a lot of freedom in letting that go. I hope things have eased up for you a bit. Please keep posting. It is a wonderful place.

Mizpah

  • Member
  • Posts: 738
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2015, 01:46:04 PM »
I feel for you, SJ.  I too was unmarried, and am now in a relationship with a widower whose story sounds so similar to yours.  He was raising his late fiancee's two sons with her, and when she died, he lost them.  He too was overwhelmed by his life (had a son of his own, dogs, a house, etc.) and also seems to "cope" by way of a very committed avoidance method.  Life is brutal, huh?  Rebuilding a life (and re-finding my own center) is something I've only been able to do with lots of talking and lots of facing of things I wish were not so, mostly with the help of other widows.  I hope you can find some peace and solace - wishing you strength!
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

SimiRed

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Widowed 9-19-09 Joined YWBB 10-2009
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2015, 02:14:18 PM »
@sj85

I am so glad you found us here! This is a community of wonderul people, who have first hand knowledge of what you are feeling!

Keep posting, we listen, and most of the time all that is needed is an ear of someone that understands the pain.

Hugs!!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

nonesuch

  • Guest
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 08:51:20 AM »
Kudos to you for staying involved with your daughter, especially under the circumstances. As you've discovered, common law isn't so very common, there's only about a dozen states that recognize it any more. 

Welcome to the board.  You do matter.

MrsT85

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 240
  • Widowed by a car accident at age 27
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2015, 09:17:24 PM »
Welcome, although I'm so sorry you've had reason to join us here.  I turned 30 in August, and my Tim was also studying to become a teacher.  He'd been back in school for the majority of our 8.5 year relationship and was finally in the home stretch - he was three weeks from finishing his semester of student teaching and finally being done.  But because he was almost done and working really hard, he was also very sleep deprived.  Something I'm positive contributed to his accident, as all indications are that he dozed off behind the wheel. 

Again, I'm so sorry for the terrible loss you and your little ones have had to endure.  This is a wonderful community and I hope you can find as much comfort and support here as possible.
Do You Realize - that you have the most beautiful face

Do You Realize??

01/12/1977-04/06/2013

Ursula

  • Member
  • Posts: 162
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2015, 12:43:33 AM »
Hello sj85 and welcome. This board is wonderful. It saved me from desperation many many lonely nights. I have just met a wonderful woman who was also not married when her partner died and she told me about some of the situations you describe. It is unfair and makes things worse. I am sorry society is so hung-up on the 'on paper' status. I am glad you decided to talk here. It helps, it is a relief to realize that one is not alone in this and that people from all parts of the world have time to listen and answer or send you a message of hope. We have to go through this to come out at the other end, or so , I believe....
I hope you find a way forward. We have a small son too, he just turned 3. I fight through this for him, because he deserves it. It must get better. Hugs to you.
Por que tu fuego a?n me quema, sin ti las noches son eternas,
tu aroma sigue aqu?, no me deja ir.. Por m?s que intente y quiera olvidarte, yo nunca lograre dejarte, cautivo de este amor sincero esclavo de tu voz.. Por que estoy am?ndote, so??ndose, aunque no est?s aqu?..
Y yo te esperare, amor aunque los a?os lleguen sin querer (Marc Anthony)

IronBear

  • Guest
Re: Together twelve years, never married, treated like I don't matter.
« Reply #14 on: June 19, 2015, 06:45:10 AM »
.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2015, 05:05:35 PM by IronBear »