Author Topic: Caregiving longer than I thought  (Read 1693 times)

robunknown

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  • Widowed October 2014
Caregiving longer than I thought
« on: September 21, 2015, 01:53:22 PM »
I'm seeing someone right now and I am realizing I was a caregiver (maybe not extreme) for much longer than I had thought.
The last 9 months of DW's life was hard due to her physical pains becoming absolutely visible in not allowing her move around with pain on her face. But it was the 3.5 years before that, full of surgeries, radiation, chemo, hormone treatments,  that I'm realizing I was a caregiver without ever giving myself credit.
I'm just not use to the person I'm seeing now, offering to go get me something to drink from the kitchen. It feels weird. I'm trying to enjoy it but the old reality that my DW would be in pain doing something like that is still ingrained, and I have to fight off feeling guilty.
I think this is something probably all of us have to work on. Because none of us deserve to go from caregiver of a loving spouse, to servant of a spoiled mate.


TooSoon

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Re: Caregiving longer than I thought
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2015, 02:01:37 PM »
I just wanted to say: I could have written this verbatim. 

Letting my new partner do things for me was not easy at first.

He always makes the coffee and brings it to me in the morning.....do you know how much that means to me?!?!?!?!?!?!

Enjoy it!

lcoxwell

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Re: Caregiving longer than I thought
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2015, 09:03:25 PM »
For so long, I had to do everything for my Kenneth. In his last few months, he couldn't even roll over in the bed, without my help. I had to do everything for him, or assist him in some way. That came after years of taking care of not only him, but of our family, as well, and working full time. It was not uncommon for me to go from early in the morning until late at night, without sitting down for more than a couple of minutes at a time.

When I first started seeing my New Guy, I not only felt guilty about letting New Guy do things for me, such as cook dinner or get me a drink from the kitchen, but I also had to fight the idea that I was being lazy and that I was not doing enough of the "work". It took me some time, before I learned to adjust to the idea that it was acceptable to let someone else share the load and to even take care of me, once in a while. Nearly fourteen months, since our first date, and I still struggle with those thoughts, from time to time.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

anniegirl

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Re: Caregiving longer than I thought
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2015, 12:33:41 PM »
Both my husband and I were caregivers to late spouses but we were also the pillars in our pre-illness marriages too, so taking care of the other is what we both knew (in fact what we were raised to be as we are also the oldest siblings in our fairly dysfunctional families).

So it has been ... different, but not at all unwelcome.
This is not the droid you are looking for.

MontrealV

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Re: Caregiving longer than I thought
« Reply #4 on: January 28, 2016, 06:58:26 PM »
I long for the day anyone offers to do anything for me. I've been everything to everyone for so long, nobody has gone anything for me in YEARS