Author Topic: Almost one month... How??  (Read 1813 times)

Fran721

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Almost one month... How??
« on: September 21, 2015, 06:05:03 PM »
Right now I'm sitting on our bed and I've been at our apartment for most of the day just cleaning and organizing. I've been staying at my mom's house since it happened. This is the longest that I've been here by myself! I know he would be proud of me. Only really lost it one time while going through old stuff - a Valentine's day card of course. Something I always thought was a stupid holiday but I read what he wrote in that card and lost it. It's okay though. I know it's okay because I loved him so much and he deserves to be mourned. However, all he ever wanted was for me for me to be happy so I'm working on that. I know I'll spend the rest of my life trying to make him proud. Anyway, Wednesday will be a month since he died. How can something feel so recent and yet so long ago? Completely crazy. The date I'm worried about most though is next Monday - it would have been our third anniversary of meeting each other. The night we started to fall in love and the beginning of our relationship. Up until a month ago, that date meant something to someone besides me. Now I'll have to suffer through September 28 on my own. That used to be the happiest day of my life and I hope that one day I'll be able to appreciate it again. We weren't married. We weren't too concerned about the future. We were young. We thought we had forever. How am I suppose to do this without him? He was my everything.

PS - I typed this on my iPhone so sorry for any mistakes. I don't have a computer with me and felt like I needed to post right away.

THATgurl

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2015, 06:22:01 PM »
You brought tears to my eyes.  How do we go on from this?  How do we deal?  Reality is that somehow we do.  That truth should not take away from your experience of reality.  It is beyond difficult and I am wishing you all the best.

Mizpah

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2015, 11:03:51 AM »
I was alone for the first time around a month out.  The second the door closed, I found myself (to my surprise) sobbing and saying over and over, "I'm sorry."  I'm not one to talk to myself and I don't believe in an afterlife of any kind, so it made no sense to me, but I was apologizing uncontrollably and repeatedly to him, because he lost his life. 

Though you must FEEL sick inside and overcome, you sound calm and right-minded.  I think he would be proud already. 

I can relate to you very well, because our 3-year anniversary was just a couple days after he died (he's now been dead longer than we were together).  Imagining getting through the years without him, anniversaries, etc., it's unimaginable.  Moment by moment, that's my advice.  Try not to look TOO far into the future, it will feel very overwhelming, as it should at this point. 

I believe you will one day be able to appreciate it, and even to celebrate it.  I say that, even with what happened, I will always be the luckiest woman alive, because he loved ME and he chose ME.  I think the same is true for you. 
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Fran721

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 03:06:43 PM »
So I survived one month yesterday. It was pretty fucking hard. There's absolutely no reward for making this far. I miss him so much and cannot believe how unfair it was that he had to die. He had so much life left. I was out running errands today. It's not the same without him. Our two favorite places to go together were bookstores and furniture/home decor stores. We would spend hours in those places. I haven't been back to some of our favorites yet because I can't imagine finding the perfect thing and not running to show him. At bookstores, I would be searching the fiction sections and would always find him in scifi. At home decor thrift stores, he would always find things that he thought would be good on American Pickers and I would get so mad because we were looking for things for us, not American Pickers haha. Just thinking about it makes me smile in nostalgia. Our life was so perfect. We fit together perfectly. Even our pets were insanely happy. Now I'm just a shitty cat and dog mom. They loved him the most. He was such an animal person and so loving to them.

I keep having dreams about him. The first kind are where he has broken up with me suddenly and refuses to talk to me. I'm always so devastated in the dream because I don't understand why he would do that to me. I know it would have never happened in real life. The second type is that he is really sick but there's still hope he's going to get better. I wake up hopeful and then immediately remember that he's not in the ICU anymore, that he actually gone. I hate them both so much.

Thank you both for your earlier replies to me. Mizpah, I loved what you said about remembering that you are the luckiest girl because he chose and loved you. I feel the same exact way. Damn, I miss him. Thank you for letting just blab.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2015, 04:49:57 AM »
Hugs to you Fran. 
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Jen

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2015, 08:46:13 PM »
((((((Fran)))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

oscarsbeloved

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2015, 11:57:52 PM »
god, finding little things here and there hurts the most. my father just left a few days ago and my mother is coming in a week for the one month mark. i'm back at our old apartment and when my son goes to sleep i keep burying my face in oscar's shirts and reading the birthday cards he would write me, including one i thought i had lost. i keep breaking down when i see the words "my love" in his careful handwriting. i'm sorry you're here and i'm sorry i'm here. i'm sorry any of us have to be here. know that you aren't alone. and cry, you have every right to cry. i don't know if it ever gets easier, but know that we're all here together.
Oh yes, I know the way to heaven was easy.
We found the little kingdom of our passion
That all can share who walk the road of lovers.
In wild and secret happiness we stumbled;
And gods and demons clamoured in our senses.

- "The Imperfect Lover" by Siegfried Sassoon

Jen

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2015, 03:52:40 PM »
i'm sorry you're here and i'm sorry i'm here. i'm sorry any of us have to be here. know that you aren't alone. and cry, you have every right to cry. i don't know if it ever gets easier, but know that we're all here together.

Honestly, this is the only thing that's gotten me this far. ((((((HUGS)))))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

lcoxwell

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2015, 10:54:52 PM »
Making it to that one month mark was incredibly painful for me. I simply could not believe that I had survived an entire month, without my Kenneth, and yet, there I was.

You will find that there are so many places that will bring back memories, or feelings of nostalgia, along the way. You will also find that many of those places will bring tears, some happy ones, and some sad. Time will become somewhat fluid. There will be days, in which it will seem as though no time has passed at all, and like it has been an eternity all at once. It is unfair, that you must learn to carry on without your life partner, but you will find that life continues to march on, whether you want it to, or not.

Kudos to you, for making it through the first month, and for making it through every other day, hour, minute, or second, since your love died. (((Hugs)))
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Fran721

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2015, 09:22:35 AM »
I made it through our anniversary and spent the first night in our apartment!! Houston loved Star Wars and frozen pizza so I spent last night celebrating him and our love for each other with those two things. Well, plus ice cream and wine. Then, afterwards, I got into our bed and spent the night. A couple of nights ago, I was taking our dog on a walk in our neighborhood for the first time since Houston's passing. I know that sounds really simple but walking the dog is one of our favorite activities because the dog is happy, we live in a neighborhood full of old, beautiful houses, and we get to talk and joke around the entire time. Plus we love being outside. Actually, when the doctors first told us that they wouldn't do the transplant and I realized Houston would probably die, I laid in his bed with him and thought about having to walk the dog by myself. So anyway, doing this walk by myself with the dog was huge for me. But I felt him with me the entire time and there were signs, too. At one time, I felt overcome by a memory and instead of letting it make me sad, I just tried to feel gratitude for that original moment. That I was lucky enough to meet this amazing man and build a beautiful life with him and have all of these wonderful memories. And I know that somehow he was with me on that walk and gave me the clarity to see that.

Thank you all for your posts. It really sucks that we are here but I'm so grateful to this forum for letting us come together. Everyone's comments are endlessly helpful and a lot of them make me cry because I feel so overwhelmed with kindness. Thank you.

Mizpah

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2015, 03:11:01 PM »
It is in death that we know that that cliche is absolutely true: the small things are the big things.  Don't shortchange yourself.  The emotional toll of these big firsts - big meaning meaningful to you and in the context of your relationship - it's huge.  It takes strength and courage.  The gratitude and clarity you speak of pay great tribute to him and his memory, and the love you two shared, and he would be so proud of you. 

It is just so hard.  It's that simple.  Thinking of you.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Guaruj

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #11 on: September 29, 2015, 07:26:21 PM »
I am glad that you enjoyed walking your dog again. I'm sure the dog enjoyed it, too.

|+|  M a r k  |+|

donswife

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Re: Almost one month... How??
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2015, 06:54:40 AM »
walking the dog was a huge step
that you actually felt moments that didn't make you sad but happy for the life you had is wonderful
the idea of star wars and frozen pizza sounded like the perfect way to celebrate him
take care and so glad you found this place to talk about all you are going through
My everything