Author Topic: I am about to become a widow  (Read 2523 times)

Fuchsia

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  • Posts: 28
I am about to become a widow
« on: September 23, 2015, 11:22:11 PM »
Hello,
My name is Fuchsia.  I am caregiver to my most wonderful husband Rob...who is  dying of cancer.   

He has been fighting for nearly 3 years and has been considered terminal since last June.   I don't expect him to see the spring. He is so young - only 44.  He is my best friend, my love, the father of my child and he is slipping away day by day.  I am so lost.  This hurts so much.  But I keep going because I must. Even if I don't know how I am doing it. 

Can I be here? Even though I'm only almost a widow? 

Lost35

  • Guest
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 12:55:17 AM »
Welcome.  Others have come here before and been welcome.  Hopefully they will answer your post.  I'm so sorry you are going through this...

-L.

robunknown

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  • Posts: 76
  • Widowed October 2014
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 05:26:37 AM »
I was a part of this community before my wife died. I think it really helped me realize I wasn't alone. My wife died of breast cancer at the age of 35. We have a 6 year old.
Feel free to message me (or post ) if you have questions.
Take care of yourself. You are not alone.

TooSoon

  • Guest
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 06:44:33 AM »
My husband died of brain cancer.  I've been there.  You can message me, too.  Hang on! 

BrokenHeart2

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  • Posts: 980
  • Widowed 2013
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2015, 12:27:41 PM »
Cherish your last months, weeks days together. Hugs to you and your family.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

canadiangirl

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  • Posts: 438
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2015, 07:59:06 PM »
Cancer widow here too...after a 4.5 year battle.  You are welcome here and I am so sorry you are going through this. 

There are things I wish I had known about end-of-life care- PM me if you want me to give you ideas or a sense of practical things, when/if you are ready.  I also recommend a great book called "A Caregiver's Guide: A Handbook About End-of-Life Care" (Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association) - I was given it by hospice once they came in the picture but it was already too late by that point, things happened too quickly and I was not prepared. On the other hand, my husband would have been very freaked out if he had seen it around as he did not accept his impending death.  If there are things you can learn on your own, it will help equip you.  Take good care--I echo to cherish these moments.  I wish I had done more of that.

Wheelerswife

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  • Posts: 1112
  • Widowed x 2.
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2015, 09:10:16 PM »
I was also a long term and extreme caregiver.  I anticipated my husband's early death for the length of our marriage, as he had a genetic condition with an expected shortening of lifespan.  We both knew his prognosis, and that at any time, he could become ill and not have the strength to fight off pneumonia.  I would have to say that all of the anticipation (over 18 years worth) didn't prepare me for how I would feel when he actually died.  I realize now that it isn't possible to know how you would feel, especially having lost two husbands and having those experiences be very different.

16 months before my first husband died, he became very critically ill, but surprised everyone by pulling through that illness.  He needed 24/7 care the rest of his life.  We cherished those 16 months.  They contained some of the most intimate moments of our entire marriage.  As difficult as it is to face death, these coming months can give you the opportunity to connect with your husband, review the beautiful times you've shared and create as many memorable moments as you can.

I know you worry about how you will survive after your love dies.  I want to reassure you that we will be here.  We've all been through the loss of a partner, spouse, lover.  For now, though, try to cherish the precious time you have with your husband.  Create memories for your child.  Make the most of what you have left.  I'm sorry you are in this painful place.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

DebW

  • Guest
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2015, 04:58:55 AM »
I am so sorry that you are going through this, and your poor husband.  My husband died in May, he was 41 and was diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 8 months before he died. I try not to think about when he was sick, I was with him for 22 years so 8 months is not that long in the scheme of things and I didn't want the terrible memories to take precedent over the happy ones. We have two children, 9 & 10 year old. I won't give you advice because you are the one living this and everyone's experience is different. Just sending hugs to you. x

Fuchsia

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  • Posts: 28
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2015, 01:48:54 AM »
Thank you all for the welcoming words. 

We are lucky to be able to spend these last months together with me at home.  We are cherishing these times even though they are so hard.
 

lcoxwell

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  • Posts: 671
Re: I am about to become a widow
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2015, 09:20:33 PM »
Welcome, Fuchsia, though I am so sorry that you have a reason to be here. I, too, was a long term, extreme caregiver for 13 years. My husband, Kenneth, spent much of that time in and out of hospitals, and beat the odds more times than I can count off the top of my head. The last three or four years of his life, he went through a steady decline, and I knew I was losing him, a little at a time. During those last few years, we faced some of the hardest struggles of our entire marriage. At the same time, as Maureen said, they were also some of the most intimate. Take this time to cherish your love and to build memories to hold on to, when he is gone.

One regret that I have, though, is that I only have a very small handful of pictures of my Kenneth and no videos or recordings of his voice. I often wish that I had taken more picture,s or that I had at least one video to watch. There are times, when I would give anything to be able to hear his voice or see a recording of him. I don't even have our wedding video, because he accidentally threw it away long ago. If I had one suggestion, it would be to take as many pictures and videos as you can.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.