Author Topic: Pinning myself in a corner  (Read 2924 times)

keeptrying

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Pinning myself in a corner
« on: March 11, 2015, 08:49:27 PM »
I don't want to drive, go anywhere. I am more comfortable in my house. Before my husband died, we were barely ever home. Any opportunity we took to get out and do something. Never had this before, but when I drive, I get HUGE massive panic attacks and break down crying. I hate leaving my house knowing that going anywhere I can break down into tears or have an attack. - I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to do anything. I can't even find the purpose of showering. He isn't here, and no one sees me anyhow..It seems as though things just don't matter as much as they used to. I don't seem to care. Everything that used to make me happy and bring me joy.. little things like music, is just a reminder of the pain. - I can't let myself give in, or pin me in a corner. I have to fight it. So I push myself. I took the kids on a small vacation. As I sat at the table, my mind completely blank, I pictured him walking towards us. I don't know why.. but, break down. I cried about 6 - 7 different times that day. We don't have cable tv at home but in the resort I decided to see what it is all about. There was a program of this woman giving birth, which of course made me break down insanely. We are on our seventh child, and every one he cried and said I was his hero. He won't be here for the birth of our baby. It hurts. Leaving the house is so much worse in so many ways than just staying home. I just feel like I need to keep pushing.. keep doing, keep going. I need to get over this and not give in. Not allow myself to be pushed into a corner. I sure don't like it, but I think it is for the best.

BrokenHeart2

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 08:59:33 PM »
Oh Keeptrying please be gentle with yourself. I don't know when your DH died but it doesn't sound like it was too long ago. You have 6 children and carrying your 7th. Do you have some help while so fresh in your grief ( my assumption). When are you due?
I too felt as you did at the beginning. Didn't want to get out of bed or even care to shower. Just take it one minute/hour/day at a time. Baby steps will get you through
Big tight hugs to you
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

keeptrying

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 09:12:50 PM »
I envy the widows who say, I have friends, family that help watch my children, cook, clean, run errands. All the support and help. I do not have any of that. It is all me. I have to admit, it makes me angry, resentful, just not so great feelings, but the good feeling is, I feel determined. This IS all me. I AM going to do it and prove that I can. I just feel as though it is too easy to "slip" away.. Just give in, give up, even for a little while. If I didn't have children, I would have given up without a doubt. I can't give up for them. They need me. I can't be doped up, lay in bed, just give in to my grief and sorrow. Yes, I think I want to, but I have children depending on me, so I haven't and I am not going to. There are days when I think, I just don't know how I am doing this, I just can't do this anymore.. But then there is tomorrow..I just want to forget, I want to pretend like I never knew marriage and happiness, if I didn't know any better, I wouldn't hurt so much for the what I am missing, what would be. Things are so low and I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel for myself.. but hey, we can do this, we can keep going, even if we feel like we can't. For all the widows out there, don't give in and don't give up.

Jen

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2015, 07:22:05 AM »
So many hugs. I can barely keep up with my three, I can't imagine trying to navigate this road with more, and pregnant besides! I admire your determination. You're absolutely right, you can do this-- you ARE doing it.

I'm noticed over these months that grief is like labor in a lot of ways. It picks us up and carries us, no matter how we resist it. There's no getting away from it. When I was laboring with my youngest, I thought of that old song from kindergarten, "Going on a bear hunt." Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it. I think that applies to this grief journey as well.

(((HUGS)))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Jess

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2015, 09:11:09 AM »
but hey, we can do this, we can keep going, even if we feel like we can't. For all the widows out there, don't give in and don't give up.

You have so much on your plate and you still can end your post like that. You are right. You can keep going. You are keeping going. You can do this. You are doing this.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

AndysWife

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2015, 09:49:20 AM »
Keeptrying - you sound like I felt when my DH died except I used a lot of foul language. We had 5 kids including a 5 week old newborn so I can relate to your feelings of being swamped with no help from my or his family either. I'm wondering if you are seeing a grief counselor. They might be able to organise some help for you with the other kids and even some housework. It's worth pursuing I think.

A.B.D.  26/01/1969 - 08/08/2011

Carey

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2015, 09:52:50 AM »
I so admire your determination, you are already a step or more ahead than you think.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

swilson

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Re: Pinning myself in a corner
« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2015, 10:50:40 AM »
{keeptrying}, This catastrophe has upended you and your family?s life, striking to the very core of your being. It?s agonizingly painful and your spirit has been severely injured. You wouldn?t expect your body to recover immediately from a vicious attack and along that line of reasoning, neither can your inner self.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~