Author Topic: I feel so hard hearted  (Read 4037 times)

Fuchsia

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Re: I feel so hard hearted
« Reply #15 on: October 07, 2015, 12:02:33 AM »

It would mean a lot to me if you could please give him a hug or extra tenderness after reading this.  I would dearly love to hold my husband's hand again and a moment of love by proxy would be divine at this point.

I did. Big hugs back to you.

fern

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Re: I feel so hard hearted
« Reply #16 on: October 11, 2015, 01:40:17 PM »
You are not hard-hearted. Like others have said, it is a normal reaction to extreme stress.

In the last hellish months of my husbands life I had to hold it together in order to function: as primary caregiver, as mom, the breadwinner, as the strong one for everyone else.  I had to be able to compartmentalize. A memory that stands out is helping half-carry my flailing, moaning husband to the bathroom and then playing crazy eights with our 4 year old a few moments later. My mother in law said she thought that was "disturbing" but meanwhile she just sat there and didn't help (and didn't even offer to take my 4yr away so they wouldn't have to witness these scenes) and then left because she couldn't cope.

Unfortunately others see this coping mechanism as a problem. But I see now that I had no choice.

anniegirl

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Re: I feel so hard hearted
« Reply #17 on: October 11, 2015, 02:07:05 PM »
Fern's story brings up an interesting point.

Those who are usually the most critical of our ability to take care of business during these traumatic times are nearly always the ones who are the least helpful.

Consider the source when criticized and file it appropriately.
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SemperFidelis

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Re: I feel so hard hearted
« Reply #18 on: August 07, 2016, 06:09:02 PM »
This was a helpful thread to read. I did full time psychiatric caregiving for my husband.  I numbed out too at some point. And I have wondered if those caregiving years are what helped make the death (which was sudden) actually feel manageable.....by all means it shouldn't have felt that way.

No one else saw his suffering(people suspected it though), just me. So fortunately there has been little room for judgement. One person has come forward and told me I was delusional because "he was fine, he would never kill himself, he wasn't suffering, he loved jesus" but that was someone my husband hardly spoke to in the last 15yrs of his life....for a reason. So it was easy to write off but still sad someone could be in such denial.

I am glad to know there is a deeper reason for my numbing.....it makes more sense now. I had originally thought it was strictly from the trauma of witnessing his death.....now I get that it was going further back.