Poll

Ladies, which would you rather hear when you think you might want to meet someone from online?

I'd really like to meet you sometime.
5 (15.2%)
I'd really like to meet you sometime. Here's my number if you'd like to call or text.
4 (12.1%)
I'd really like to meet you sometime. Would you like to exchange numbers?
22 (66.7%)
Other.
2 (6.1%)

Total Members Voted: 33


Author Topic: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.  (Read 8897 times)

Carey

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #15 on: March 12, 2015, 10:14:38 AM »
It's clich? and old fashioned, but I am what I am .. the way my daddy raised me.  I won't call a man first.  I more than likely won't text or message a man first. I know it is somewhat unfair to put all the onus on the man stereotypically, it's just hard to change who you are. So offering me your number, you will probably never hear from me.  Asking for mine, maybe a "tad" leary... an exchange of numbers but you call me first, I'll probably do.
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter

OSAAT

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #16 on: March 12, 2015, 10:36:27 AM »
Online dating is tricky and no 2 people are the same. Instead of 1 size fits all approach, I would suggest making decisions on an individual level. That is what I did. I always went for coffee on the first date (cheap, only have to stay for one cup but can stay for more if interested, people personally know me in that coffee shop so it felt safer). Online dating is tough. Many people will quit talking to you randomly. It is weird, really. There really is no rush. Take your time and have fun.

gracelet

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #17 on: March 12, 2015, 10:57:12 AM »
My lines I use on the ladies:

Much as I love Mr Tinder / Mr match.com, how about we take this conversation away from his snooping eyes? My number is xxxx
Would you be open to meeting up for a quick drink?
How would you feel about a quick coffee?
I'm enjoying messaging you.  Would you like to meet up in person too, maybe over coffee?

Meeting sooner rather than later means you avoid wasting time messaging for weeks on end for it to come to nothing. You can probably tell within the space of a week.

Of the girls I've been on dates with, I hadn't actually chatted on the phone, just texted. We all got on fine on the dates - I was just myself, bar not dropping the widow bomb yet!
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com

AaronP

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #18 on: March 12, 2015, 11:59:32 AM »
For what it's worth I'm with Grace.  Use her first line!

I think you're skipping a step, don't bring up wanting to meet early on.  Messaging through a website can be cumbersome.  See if they'd be willing to exchange numbers and text for a while, get to know each other as much as possible that way first.

Unfortunately in today's day and age that is likely the most logical step for people.  Giving someone you met on a dating site your phone number is a huge step for some, meeting even larger.  Everyone carries their phone nearly 24/7 these days, it's a very personal thing to give up or exchange numbers.

Try simply exchanging numbers first, stating it'll be far easier to communicate and get to know each other!

RobFTC

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #19 on: March 12, 2015, 12:35:14 PM »
First, DrBanner, a level-set.  Pretty much no matter how I word it, I am lucky to get one response in 10 or 20 messages to age-appropriate people I message (I don't own a sports car and I am not chasing twenty-year-olds).  Really, it's a surprise when anything works online; my dry spells last weeks, but then I'll get a cluster of dates in a week.  By all means try experimenting, but results will likely be variable unless you bottle lightning (and if you do, I want some too).

Early-stage dating is an interesting balance of risks.  Do you text for ages to really get to know someone?  Downside is falling for a fake who will text you from Lebanon and need you to send them funds through Western Union; more likely, the messaging just whimpers and dies.  Do you meet right away?  Downside is buying lunch for a professional dater who won't even remember your name.

I don't want to text for ages.  I usually suggest that I'd like to meet for coffee in the first message.  My first message does not contains a phone number, because it feels like revealing too much (but I may have to play with this).  If I get a response, I try to follow their lead.  I guess my happy place is to exchange a few brief messages until they talk about meeting, and to meet for coffee before too long.

I would counsel choosing a style that works for you and tending towards it so that you own it, but throwing in the odd random experiment every so often to see how it goes.  And if there's ever interest, remember that guys usually need to slow. the. hell. down.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

gracelet

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #20 on: March 12, 2015, 01:09:36 PM »
My lines I use on the ladies:

Much as I love Mr Tinder / Mr match.com, how about we take this conversation away from his snooping eyes? My number is xxxx
Would you be open to meeting up for a quick drink?
How would you feel about a quick coffee?
I'm enjoying messaging you.  Would you like to meet up in person too, maybe over coffee?

Meeting sooner rather than later means you avoid wasting time messaging for weeks on end for it to come to nothing. You can probably tell within the space of a week.

Of the girls I've been on dates with, I hadn't actually chatted on the phone, just texted. We all got on fine on the dates - I was just myself, bar not dropping the widow bomb yet!

Just want to add, those are not my opening lines to the ladies, just the way I move the conversation in the direction of meeting up or sharing phone numbers.

We'll probably exchange a dozen or so messages before I move onto that.
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com

MrsK

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #21 on: March 12, 2015, 01:47:15 PM »
Giving someone you met on a dating site your phone number is a huge step for some, meeting even larger.  Everyone carries their phone nearly 24/7 these days, it's a very personal thing to give up or exchange numbers.

Meeting for coffee is less scary to me than handing out my phone number. When you meet for coffee, it's in public and there is plenty of help available if my date seems dangerous in person. So far, I've been lucky in that my dates have turned out to be as safe in person as they seemed online. I don't give out more than my first name before I've met a person face to face. It seems too dangerous to me because with either piece of information, you can get back to my address with very little work.

I try to set up a meeting in person after a few (three or four) good email exchanges because most of the time when I meet men in person, there's no spark. I like making new friends but that's not why I signed up on OKCupid and I want to know if I have to go back to searching the postings and sending out messages.

I've sent out far more messages than have been returned, despite being female and not hideous. I've also gotten truckloads of messages that are nothing more than  "Hey, cute smile." or "Ur hot" which I don't count as real messages. Particularly when they come from Australia or South Africa. Sometimes what happens on a dating site isn't a reflection of you, it's the other people out there. They might have just started up with someone else or gotten sick or had their office cut off access to the site or a million other reasons.

All you can do is keep trying. Unless you are sending out first messages that say something like "Nice hair, let's meet in person so I can smell it." which I am pretty sure you aren't!  :)  That kind of message would scare off most women, I think.

Portside

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #22 on: March 12, 2015, 02:57:48 PM »
I had a wonderful time while dating online and eventually met my now wife on a specific interest dating site. I dated as often as time and finances allowed and learned at least one valuable thing from every woman I went out with.

If I read a profile I found interesting, I always approached it the same way: I sent the woman a message saying, "I found your profile interesting - please take a look at mine and let me know if you feel the same." and let it go at that. I was asking the woman what she thought. All folks love to be asked their opinion. I had very good results with this approach. I don't think I had positive results due to my stunning good looks - because I don't have them. However, I spent a great deal of effort crafting my profile. It's marketing boys and girls, don't forget that. You must position yourself in the best possible light while not building a house of cards by lying.

Notice there is very little pressure in my request. I'm not asking (directly) if there is a match, if you like me, or if you want to go out. Nothing of the kind. Rather, I'm asking 'do you find my profile (not me) interesting?' The unstated is 'if there is, we'll take if from there.' And I did.

No doubt about it, dating is hard when you are middle aged - it's not for sissies. 

Good Luck, Mike
The war is over for me now. But those of us who did make it have an obligation to build again, to teach to others what we know, and to try with what's left of our lives to find a goodness and a meaning to this life.

momtokam

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2015, 03:06:06 PM »
I am surprised that providing your number is not the one preferred. Personally that would be the one I would find more favorable because 1. it shows you are a real person not a scammer,

Nope, my scammer had a local cell number and was really overseas. I was so annoyed I wasted my time thinking all was OK.
« Last Edit: March 12, 2015, 03:19:25 PM by momtokam »

momtokam

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2015, 03:13:46 PM »
I don't want to text for ages.  I usually suggest that I'd like to meet for coffee in the first message. 

Not sure about this for me Rob, I prefer to learn at least a little about someone before being asked to meet. Even just a few messages are fine.

If the first message offers up a phone number, I run.

momtokam

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #25 on: March 12, 2015, 03:18:13 PM »
Meeting for coffee is less scary to me than handing out my phone number. When you meet for coffee, it's in public and there is plenty of help available if my date seems dangerous in person. So far, I've been lucky in that my dates have turned out to be as safe in person as they seemed online. I don't give out more than my first name before I've met a person face to face. It seems too dangerous to me because with either piece of information, you can get back to my address with very little work.

Agreed MrsK

lcoxwell

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2015, 04:09:52 PM »
All you can do is keep trying. Unless you are sending out first messages that say something like "Nice hair, let's meet in person so I can smell it." which I am pretty sure you aren't!  :)  That kind of message would scare off most women, I think.

^^^ LOVE this!  I laughed so hard, my stomach hurts.   ;D
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

momtokam

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2015, 04:19:56 PM »

All you can do is keep trying. Unless you are sending out first messages that say something like "Nice hair, let's meet in person so I can smell it." which I am pretty sure you aren't!  :)  That kind of message would scare off most women, I think.

^^^ LOVE this!  I laughed so hard, my stomach hurts.   ;D

This was joking I am sure but I have received the following as a first message on a dating site......

"I love your hair! I would love to shampoo it for you."

And no, I did not respond!

Momtojandj

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2015, 04:26:19 PM »
We should start a thread on crazy responses we have gotten, I had a guy ask me in first email ever , if I had nice feet and could he rub them ?
"To love another person is to see the face of God "

MrsK

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Re: Trying not to scare them off on the dating sites.
« Reply #29 on: March 12, 2015, 04:53:15 PM »
This was joking I am sure but I have received the following as a first message on a dating site......
"I love your hair! I would love to shampoo it for you."
And no, I did not respond!

Oh no! I was trying to pick something so crazy and it wasn't even close to your reality. I guess I am luckier with online dating than I thought.