Author Topic: From out of nowhere  (Read 3707 times)

Stargazer74

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Jamie, 35, Dec 2, 2014, Unknown Cause
From out of nowhere
« on: March 11, 2015, 08:54:43 PM »
I'm not a crier, or at least I haven't been one until recently.  For the first 6 weeks after I lost Jamie, I cried every single day, at least once.  Then I noticed one day that I hadn't done so the day before, and of course, I cried then.  Then after a couple of weeks of every other day crying, I stopped.  Then I went a week, and I thought what the heck is wrong with me?  Why am I not feeling much emotion?  Then I finally got them back.  It's not like I like crying, but I do allow the tears to come when I am alone.  Most often when I break down, some memory has come to mind that reminds me of her, or maybe an outside trigger that brings back a memory, or something that will bring back the pain full force.  Today was different, though.  It's been several days since I've shed tears, and I was driving home from work and almost home.  I was listening to a Shephen King book, and I started laughing at a funny part of the book (he's not all horror), and I began to tear up and wham, there I am with tears streaming down and there's that familiar pain of the loss and longing.  Upon reflection, though I couldn't figure out what had brought this on, until I realized that the sun was setting and the sky was turning a beautiful fire-like look to it.  Living in Southwest rural Arkansas for the last 10 years, I have had the pleasure of capturing many, many pictures of beautiful sunsets here.  Almost always, on my way home from work and on my way to Jamie.  So today it was a reminder of times past, and the old familiar things that have meant so much to me.  I miss her.  I am grateful that you guys are here and we have this outlet, otherwise, no one but me would have known.


?Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac??
C.S. Lewis

?Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.?
C.S. Lewis

Mangomom

  • Member
  • Posts: 114
  • Widowed 8/10/12
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #1 on: March 11, 2015, 09:09:09 PM »
Beautiful.  Bothe picture and your sentiment.  Tears are allowed, let them happen.  What Steven King book?  I am a huge fan 😊

BrokenHeart2

  • Member
  • Posts: 975
  • Widowed 2013
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2015, 09:11:34 PM »
Beautiful pic Stargazer.
Yes for me almost everything reminded me of DH. Amazing how our spouses lives are so intertwined with ours with love and just in living.  Let the tears flow, for me it is so healing. I don't cry as often now at 21 months out but it still does come in waves. Sometimes a sunami but not like in the earlier days. 
Your statement "I couldn't figure out what brought this on". I so get that. Eventually you figure it out or sometimes it could be just because....
Hugs
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

Stargazer74

  • Member
  • Posts: 33
  • Jamie, 35, Dec 2, 2014, Unknown Cause
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #3 on: March 11, 2015, 09:51:23 PM »
Thank you both, just when you think you've gotten a handle on things it takes you down again doesn't it.  BrokenHeart, you are so right about our lives being intertwined.  Everything shared, everything lost.  But, I am lucky to have few regrets about our relationship.  We both gave our all, and that's a beautiful thing. 

Joyland is the book Mangomom, I just started it yesterday after i finished Revival.  Good stuff. :)
?Knock and it shall be opened.' But does knocking mean hammering and kicking the door like a maniac??
C.S. Lewis

?Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything.?
C.S. Lewis

BrokenHeart2

  • Member
  • Posts: 975
  • Widowed 2013
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2015, 09:53:50 PM »
Yes, it is a beautiful thing.
I don't want it to be his legacy that his death destroyed me.
I need to honour his life by rebuilding my life.

swilson

  • Member
  • Posts: 185
  • Widower since Sept. 2014
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2015, 10:02:22 PM »
Funny how we can be plugging away about our daily life and all at once have a sense of their presence. Many people find it restorative and energizing to spend time appreciating the beauty of nature. I never know what will bring out the emotions.
~ she's gone to Heaven so I've got to be good, so I can see my baby when I leave this world ~

singinmomo4

  • Member
  • Posts: 127
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2015, 11:46:58 PM »
Beautiful, absolutely beautiful. 

Especially in those early days, driving in the car is where most of the tears happened, I think because the mindlessness of driving makes it possible for all the memories to swell up. 

And Arkansas is an extremely beautiful place.  I live in SE Pennsylvania now but grew up in NW Arkansas.  I go back when I'm able to visit my family there. 
Rick, an amazing husband, father, fisherman & fisher of men with a servants heart who served God every day. ReRe, miss your smile & twinkle in your eye.

Jen

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 1076
  • Jim: 7 April 1974-10 April 2014
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #7 on: March 12, 2015, 07:18:45 AM »
When I get overwhlemed-- when it all boils over and I'm approaching meltdown-- I go to the woods. There's a particular trail at a local state park, and a particular tree that is perfect for leaning against. I've cried so many tears over that tree, it feels like an old friend.

(((Mark))) It seems vaguely ironic that Stephen King is our best companion through hell, but I'm right there with you. Finished Mr Mercedes a couple days back, and cried and cried. He has a gift for inducing catharthis, I think.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Chopperette

  • Member
  • Posts: 45
  • JIC 52 Ruptured Brain Aneurysm 3/21/2013
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #8 on: March 12, 2015, 08:32:36 AM »
Beautiful Stargazer! It will always hit you because our natural response to many things is to share it with them and then wam it hits you! After time, you start to just think *sigh* he/she would have enjoyed this.

Jess

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 670
  • AKA Jezzy
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #9 on: March 12, 2015, 09:13:22 AM »
Beautiful picture. Living in Arizona, we've got a heck of a lot of wonderful sunsets too and love taking pictures of them to remind myself the world is still a beautiful place despite my tragedy.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

lcoxwell

  • Member
  • Posts: 671
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #10 on: March 12, 2015, 10:04:55 AM »
What a beautiful picture! Amazing how the tears can be triggered by things we don't even realize we're thinking about, isn't it? After my Kenneth died, I had taken to going tthrough the Burger King drive thru for one of their Hershey pies, from time to time. It seemed like every single time I went through that drive thru, I would end up crying. It was so odd to me, because I rarely ever went through there when Kenneth was alive. 

Then, one day, I realized that it was the music I was listening to, as I was waiting for my food, that kept triggering the tears. At the the time, nearly all the music I had was music we had listened to, while driving 1-1/2 to 2 hours (one way) for medical treatments, or that I had listened to, while sitting with him in the hospital all those hours.

((((Hugs))))
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

tmppgh2015

  • Member
  • Posts: 19
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2015, 04:24:47 PM »
Wow beautiful picture!! Hugs to you!

tk74

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
    • Chanty Tribute 2014
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2015, 10:59:38 PM »
Having one of those horrible nights, all this evening (out of nowhere).  Been doing so well the last week or so.  Just waves of sadness, grief and tears.  I just want to see her.  :(
Love is a difficult & lifelong journey.  You shouldn't have to travel it alone.

-tyler white

Mangomom

  • Member
  • Posts: 114
  • Widowed 8/10/12
Re: From out of nowhere
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2015, 06:30:41 AM »
Having one of those horrible nights, all this evening (out of nowhere).  Been doing so well the last week or so.  Just waves of sadness, grief and tears.  I just want to see her.  :(
I'm so sorry.  I remember those days so well.  At 2-? years out, the sudden sharp pain still hits occasionally.  ((hugs tk74))