Author Topic: bothersome question to spouses of widows  (Read 2509 times)

Amor

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bothersome question to spouses of widows
« on: October 04, 2015, 08:36:40 PM »
I am sorry I have to ask this but it has been bothering me for a little while now. 
To the spouse of widows who are not widows yourself,  I can not seem to get over how much I love the love I lost how can this remain part of me and love another without the new love not feeling resentment, hurt, or second place? 
I do not want to find a replacement for my love I lost, so should I never even think of having a new love?
Amor

anniegirl

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2015, 11:52:04 PM »
I'm not quite sure what you are asking but yes, you can most certainly find love again if that's what you want to do.

Some liken a new love and love for a late spouse to the kind of room in your heart that you have to love more than one child though that analogy has never worked for me personally, it might help you make sense of things.

One key, imo, to a new relationship is to remember to live in the present.

Another thing you might find helpful is to remember that no one is a replacement as much as they just new to your life and still finding/establishing their place.

Finally, don't overthink this. Love is love.
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Wheelerswife

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2015, 07:33:49 AM »
I remarried a widower.  Quite honestly, there was never a sense of competition in my heart or his heart.  We both loved our late spouses and we were thoroughly in love with each other.  There were times when we were wistful for times in the past, sure.  Why wouldn't we sadly miss what were good spouses and marriages?  Our new marriage and relationship was so completely different than our previous marriages.  It would be difficult to imagine that we wouldn't miss some aspects of the old relationships.  Think this way...do you miss some of the times you had with an old friend in your life?  Why would new friendships that sustain you detract from missing that best friend from a different era in your life?  They don't. 

I imagine that some people who are widowed don't want another life partner.  They may choose to cherish what they had and savor those memories and continue living their lives "alone" in the sense of this kind of relationship.  There are others who would like to find another life partner.  I think that people need to determine this in their own time and we are all free to change how we feel about this as well...in either direction.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Catnip

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2015, 10:33:04 AM »
Maureen, thank you for saying what you just did.

I'm finding myself in that "alone" group. I'm not actively looking for someone (no on-line dating for me, and no bar scenes) but I'm not a hermit either. I'm just resolving myself to the fact that it's been almost 9 years and no one has tickled my fancy (or anything else for that matter!).

And it's okay to remain alone.

Thanks,
~Catnip
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

Amor

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2015, 05:29:42 PM »
Thank you it helped some.  I just do not even want to think about hurting someone because I still love my first love.  I guess I am asking if someone could be ok with me still loving and sharing each other without lessening my 1st DH. 
Amor

Neverthesame

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2015, 01:38:06 PM »
Amor,

Like Wheelerswife, I?m widowed and I married a widow.

From the standpoint of someone who married a widow, I never feel like I?m second place or second choice because she never gives me reason to. I know that she loved her 1st husband and she would still be with him today if he were here. However, she leaves no doubt that she loves me and at this point in her life I come first.  His name comes up often as she tells stories about things that happened in her past and it doesn?t bother me in the least. This past Sunday we went by the cemetery together and put seasonal flowers on his grave. There?s really just no reason that we can?t remember the past and still have a future.

From the standpoint of being widowed, my wife and I were married for 25 years and I will always remember and love her. However, my new wife is a wonderful woman and wife in her own right. She deserves the same love and respect that I gave my 1st wife. I know in my heart that my 1st wife would understand and even expect me to do just that.

Just my thoughts.

Bill

Jess

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2015, 08:07:06 PM »
Thank you it helped some.  I just do not even want to think about hurting someone because I still love my first love.  I guess I am asking if someone could be ok with me still loving and sharing each other without lessening my 1st DH. 
Amor

We are ready when we are ready. I think that a lot of us put pressure on ourselves to look at a new relationship as some sort of milestone or barometer for personal progress when in reality, I think it is no measure at all. Don't get too far ahead of yourself if you can help it.

As for your question, yes, I think it is possible. I was in the early stages of grief with my relationship and never felt any pressure to love DH any less. I do not know of it makes a difference that I am with a widower. Maybe, maybe not. I think that there are some really special people that cannot directly relate to the experience but can understand parts of our hearts are spoken for and help grow our hearts to accommodate both the love of our late spouse and them.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

DonnaP

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2015, 08:31:41 AM »
Hi Amor,
It seems you are asking a question of a group of people who are NOT on this forum. So, those who are (we remarried folks) have to answer on their behalf. I remarried, but my husband is a widower too, so he has all the same feelings I have. I can say unequivocally that we both have as much love, if not more, for each other than we did for our previous spouses. That is precisely because of the loss we faced and because we know the risks in letting ourselves love again.

I guess what I am saying is this -- if you DO find someone who you enjoy being with, who brightens your days/nights, who cares about you, give it a chance. Love is worth all the pain.

HUGS,
Donna
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Bear Shannon

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2015, 01:05:18 PM »
My heart is big enough to love another and still love my late wife. Unfortunately, there are many not widowed that don't understand this.
Peace ~ Bear

Laurie RIP (Married 1980 .. Widowed 2005)

"Grief can destroy you -- or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn't allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it."
~ Odd Thomas (Dean Kootnz)

Amor

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Re: bothersome question to spouses of widows
« Reply #9 on: October 13, 2015, 03:59:56 PM »
Thank you all for your encouragements.  I hope if I ever become ready to love another that they can love me and understand that I will love them and my lost love as well.  I am glad some of you were able to find that!
Amor