Specific Situations > Extreme Caregiving

Fear of dying

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I've found that I cannot shake this fear I always have that I am dying.  That like my husband, a bomb is going to drop again.  It is completely irrational (as rationally, I know we are all always in the process of dying from the day we are born) and I recognize that but I think a consequences of what I experienced is that this fear is kept very much alive in me, a fear that my daughter will be left with no one (which is, I think, what drives it).  Has anyone else had this problem/challenge/whateveryouwanttocallit?

Yes, I have felt that. I think it's a pretty normal and not at all irrational thing given what we've been through.

I don't know that anything in particular - other than time - took that feeling away. The longer I went without anything bad happening, the more at ease I became.

Now that I am in a settled place in life and my daughter is much older, I worry a lot less.

Part of me still remains pretty hardened. 6.5 years ago for 5 days straight it was one bad news day after another, from my DW going from lump, to cancer stage 1, thru 4. She survived for 5.5 years. About every three months you have to brace for the latest scans to show something horrible. Sometimes they were horrible, at best sometimes they weren't bad.
So now whenever I hear of someone going through a horrible event in their life, inside I have no emotional response except the phrase to myself, "that's life". On the outside I know what to say, better than most. But that internal emotion to tragedy froze up about 6.5 years ago now, just waiting for the next shoe to drop. There are parts of me that have softened, but this one remains firm.

Interestingly, my daughter takes that approach too.

"That's life. People get sick. People die."

At just 13 she still doesn't quite get the need to filter though.

We all have those moments. As time passes fear reduces but it will never go away till kids grow and can handle their lives.


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