Author Topic: I hate this life. I hate this new person  (Read 415 times)

beth_krkswidow

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I hate this life. I hate this new person
« on: April 04, 2018, 06:01:44 PM »
22 Months. I hate this life.  I hate being the Survivor.  WHY didn't I die with him? Or instead of him?  I have NO reason to live.  I hate this existence.  I know God must have left me here for a reason.  I can't figure it out.  I just hate this life.  I want my old life back.  I want the old me back.  I hate this new creature I've become.  I don't recognize it and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.  Cuz it's not my skin.  It's a stranger living in my old body.
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

Leadfeather

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2018, 06:17:18 PM »
Just this week I have felt this way several times. I wish I was still us and not just me.
Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God.
-Corrie Ten Boom

sudnlysngl

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2018, 07:29:48 PM »
I've been saying the same thing now for 11 yrs!

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2018, 07:45:45 AM »
Just never goes away, huh, this alien life, this surreal existence.  Sobering
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

serpico

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2018, 10:06:25 AM »
Just never goes away, huh, this alien life, this surreal existence.  Sobering

Well, I'm here to say that it CAN go away. Which isn't to say that it will for you or anyone in particular, but there are plenty of widows that go on to live beautiful and fulfilling lives. It CAN happen. Please try to keep the faith that it will.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Wheelerswife

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2018, 10:38:16 AM »

Well, I'm here to say that it CAN go away. Which isn't to say that it will for you or anyone in particular, but there are plenty of widows that go on to live beautiful and fulfilling lives. It CAN happen. Please try to keep the faith that it will.

I agree, Serpico. It can happen.  I have experienced the loss of my first husband, a quicker than average move into a really wonderful life again, then the loss of my second husband and a longer and more challenging trajectory into a life that feels more fulfilling.

There are many ways of defining a fulfilling life and these will vary as much, perhaps, as we are all different from each other. For me right now, fulfillment is developing in terms of a career change and a move. I would like to find another life partner, too. Not everyone would want that in upcoming chapters in their lives.

I know I have whined at times along my path and I think we should have that place to scream out what we feel when we are struggling and cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel we find ourselves sitting in. But I have also found that sitting in the dark never got me very far. Periodically, I had to make myself get up and move toward the end of the tunnel, even though it seemed light years away.

Right now, you might just need to scream. I hope some time soon, you can find some energy to get up and take some steps toward the end of that dark tunnel.

Hugs,

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Trying

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2018, 11:18:09 AM »
I think for most of us we will always grieve for not only our spouse but the life we lost and the person we were before. 
I still have my days where I have a pity party for myself or get angry at how unfair life is but thankfully they are much less frequent.
Around 2 years I decided to make lots of changes in my life since I didn't fit into the one I shared with my DH.  I sold our house and moved, I went back to school and changed my career and then at 4 years I remarried.  All of these changes didn't stop me from missing my old life but it did give me a sense of control over my future and I am able to acknowledge the blessings I have today.

Don't give up hope, have faith that you will find a new normal. Not better, not less than, but different and good in its own ways.
You will forever be my always.

Eddienhp

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2018, 12:59:11 PM »
Yep, I get it. It sucks. I am 6-1/2 years out. It is shocking to type that number. There were many, many times I didn't know if or how I would make it. I wasn't sure I actually wanted to make it. I had to though. I was left to raise two children on my own.  I thought the rest of my life I would just live for my children, waiting to die. Then a purpose found me which is leading me on an interesting journey. It is enough to challenge me yet I have full confidence I will be successful at it. For the first time, I am really looking forward to life. I am happy even though I live with sadness. It has come to the point where I have accepted my biggest loss and disappointment learning how to live along side of it. I have not recoupled and am not actively pursuing a relationship. I stand on my own in this new life. You will find a purpose again.
Eileen
My life is better because you were in it. You encouraged me to stretch my wings. I will forever be grateful. Rest in Peace Babe. Till we meet again.

Mizpah

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2018, 01:01:32 PM »
It wasn't until a full two years that I began to feel alive again.  Everyone's timeline is different, so I'm not saying - hey, in a couple months, things will be great.  And at two years, I took a big trip by myself, I think it woke me up and kickstarted something in me, so I'm also not saying something magically took place while I sat in my living room and lightning will strike you, too.  But I am saying that I am now almost seven years out, and I am doing better than I ever believed I would be.  You will not always feel this way.  When I tell the story of my life, to myself or others, yes, it is still very surreal, but I do not suffer, and certainly not the way I did at a couple years out.  If I could repeat one thing, it would be: you will not always feel this way.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)

Abitlost

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2018, 03:34:34 PM »
Beth,

For me, the second year was by far the hardest. The first year I was largely numb, going through the motions, and I still felt his presence. That second year it struck me just how long dead was. Everyone expected me to be getting "better" and "moving on" but inside I was screaming, paralyzed, and with a great big gaping hole in my heart. Everything that was ours was now mine to deal with, for better or worse. All decisions fell to me, all forward motion was my responsibility. It was overwhelming. Things started getting more manageable in the third year, and while I will never be "over it", most days are filled with life, love, and happiness.

abl

beth_krkswidow

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2018, 03:47:09 PM »

For me, the second year was by far the hardest. The first year I was largely numb, going through the motions, and I still felt his presence. That second year it struck me just how long dead was. Everyone expected me to be getting "better" and "moving on" but inside I was screaming, paralyzed, and with a great big gaping hole in my heart. Everything that was ours was now mine to deal with, for better or worse. All decisions fell to me, all forward motion was my responsibility. It was overwhelming. Things started getting more manageable in the third year, and while I will never be "over it", most days are filled with life, love, and happiness.

Thank you, abit, and all of you.  Every word of what you said, abit, resounds with me.  I was numb the first year.  Thought I'd be better in the second.  Thought I'd find a reason to live.  No kids, so that's a strike out for a reason to live.  Just really thought I'd find a purpose in life.  Hasn't happened.  So I get pretty hopeless.  Fell asleep visiting his grave today, so I was sleeping with my Honey again.  That made me smile.
« Last Edit: April 11, 2018, 07:28:22 PM by beth_krkswidow »
"Until my last breath, I loved you more than life itself." ~Kirk, in his envelope to be opened only upon his death.  And now I to you, My Love, until my last breath...

MikeR

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2018, 01:46:08 PM »
beth_k..

I don't get on this board much anymore (5/4 will be 12 years for me) and I haven't looked at THIS section for years but today I was just killing some time and found your post. Coincidence? Perhaps not.

I'll try to keep this short. My wife, Cathryn, and I were very much in love. Cancer took her from me 4 years before she actually died. My kids (10 and 4 when she died) didn't get the chance to really know her. We were soul mates in the truest sense of the concept.

I have changed so much over the years, most of it in a good way. I like who I have become. Life is different now and I never asked for different, but I am ok with it. I flip back and forth, thinking about how it would have been with Cathryn and how it is now. Both lives would be good, but they are DIFFERENT. That difference, I think, is what makes it difficult to live without lamenting at times.

I still talk to Cathryn - usually in the mornings when I pray for her. She lets me know she's with me. I kind of get a tingling in my spine - that's her way of telling me she's here.

I dated over the years but never found the connection I was looking for until about 2 years ago. She's different than Cathryn and yet she's got a lot of similarities. All in all, she's what I need. The kids love her and she loves them. She makes me a better person. We're engaged now and I am happy with her.

Even so, it's DIFFERENT.

Perhaps one part of the equation is to find a way to embrace (or at least accept) the idea that life is forever different. When you think about it, all the other things that happen to us in life also make changes in our lives. Most are just not as significant so perhaps we don't dwell on them as much.

I think there is truth to the idea of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we believe life sucks and will suck forever, there's a good chance that will come true. On the other hand, if we find a way to believe that we can make a good life with the cards we are dealt, there's a better chance THAT will come true.

I'm just sayin'

Michael
Cathryn, your love made me what I am today.I am in awe of you.

Michael

Portside

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2018, 06:52:19 PM »

I think there is truth to the idea of a self-fulfilling prophesy. If we believe life sucks and will suck forever, there's a good chance that will come true. On the other hand, if we find a way to believe that we can make a good life with the cards we are dealt, there's a better chance THAT will come true.


Yes, so true!
The one who blesses others is abundantly blessed; those who help others are helped. (Proverbs 11:25)

Sugarbell

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Re: I hate this life. I hate this new person
« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2018, 09:27:08 PM »
It’s hard..at times almost unbearable..I’m at 10 years..it wasn’t until 4 years that I had a major identity crisis not even recognizing the person I had become. That’s when I made major changes in my life. At 10 years..I’m completely healed. It’s a part of me and always will be-but it doesn’t dominate or define my life. I now like the person I fought to become.
You will too someday..their is hope after this.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007