Author Topic: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"  (Read 4128 times)

Trying

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"You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« on: October 16, 2015, 06:41:49 AM »
This is what NG said to me last night when I was whining that I'm tired of being alone.  I am very grateful that I have found love again and with someone who is patient and kind and understanding of my unique situation.  I feel guilty that I'm having a pity party of sorts because things really have been going pretty well in most areas of my life lately.  I've made some positive life changes and my grief has settled into a more comfortable part of my being rather than controlling every minute of my day.  I will never stop missing DH, I will never stop hating that he isn't here for our kids to share in the good and difficult moments.  I just don't want to be alone any more.  I can't have DH back and I have this wonderful guy right in front of me.  Why should I have to be alone anymore?  The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first. 

For those who have made the big step to cohabitate or remarry, how did you know when the time was right to make the big leap?  What steps do you think helped to get you and your family ready? What was the most helpful thing you did?  What mistakes might you have made? Is there anything you wish you did differently?
You will forever be my always.

Abitlost

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #1 on: October 16, 2015, 11:05:01 AM »
You know I couldn't bridge that gap but I just want to say your NG is a keeper.

abl

TooSoon

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #2 on: October 16, 2015, 12:06:57 PM »
Im ok alone.  It sucks but I'm used to it now. I'd make that leap in an instant if we could reconcile our respective kid/professional situations but that is not to be right now.  So I breathe deeply and count the blessings or forces that brought love again into our lives.  If it is meant to be then it will be.  That's all I've got but I super get it.  xx
« Last Edit: October 16, 2015, 12:25:31 PM by TooSoon »

serpico

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #3 on: October 16, 2015, 12:50:38 PM »
The obvious answer is that my kids need more time and as a mom, they come first.

This stuck out to me, as I've been struggling with it as well.  After thinking about it a long time, I'm not sure that my kids really should come first.  I know that was my prevailing thought when I became a widower, but I also know that my serious girlfriend who will likely be my wife within a year or so deserves a greater part of my time as my partner in life.
'I think I got some of your pickle'

Trying

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #4 on: October 16, 2015, 01:52:58 PM »
He really is a keeper and I'm not having to deal with long distance, I do count my blessings, most of the time, except when I get lonely.

Serpico, I am struggling like you.  Eventually my kids will have to get on board, or not.  NG deserves more of me, I deserve more too.  It's more about giving them time to adjust and maybe I tend to be more conservative than I should about these things.  My older two are coming around and things are much calmer and more positive lately but I would like to see the stability over a longer stretch of time before I breath easy.  My youngest is the most adaptable and even keeled but his life will be impacted the most because he is only 11 and NGs kids are 5 & 7 so they will live like brothers while the older 2 are off at college.

I'm torn between this feeling of urgency because I know how precious every minute is with someone you love and wanting to give my children as much time as they need because their world has been torn apart once already.

And Serpico, I'm so glad to hear things are going so well with your girlfriend!
You will forever be my always.

Sugarbell

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #5 on: October 16, 2015, 02:03:24 PM »
I do get this...even though it doesn't bother being being by myself..I kinda need it. But I know I am with a guy who would give me my space if we were living together or married-but we aren't there yet. Pretty much the same reasons as you. My kids like him and really wouldn't mind..as long as there lives went ahead as planned (but he doesn't have any young kids-so mine wouldn't have any adjusting)

Our thing is location..only an hour away..but my kids (and I am with them on this) do not want to go to school in his district and its in Ohio (sorry Ohio people..but some of those counties have weird districting)--He is willing to move up here eventually...but would have an hour commute (and he would give up his businesses, coaching and referee gigs-and I know he does love it)--So I wouldn't feel right asking him to move.

So I dunno what we are going to do. For the time being...enjoy the moment. But yeah...lately I am finding myself "needing more" and he is too.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007

anniegirl

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #6 on: October 16, 2015, 03:19:27 PM »
When we decided to live together and marry, we just made plans and did it. We were careful to keep an eye on the kids but their trepidation was simply managed the way we would manage any other "kid" thing that came up whether it was "normal garden variety" or grief related.

You know your situation best but have you and NG ever sat down and brainstormed moving to the next level plans for real? Do you talk to your kids about the future, pointing out that it might be sooner than they realize and they have a role to play?

I know I am a minority opinion, but I don't think that waiting on kids to grow up and move on is the best plan when you are certain you've found love again.
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RobFTC

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #7 on: October 16, 2015, 04:06:12 PM »
You have kept the guy at quite a distance for quite a long time; sometimes I am surprised that he is still there for you.

Do you really think the kids are better off with a Mom who is denying herself things that would make her life better?  Do you really think the kids would not accept the guy, or that the churn would really hurt them?  Do you really think they will be more amenable to his presence in your life years from now?  I do know you have one child that is especially tough to deal with now.

I am coming up on five years, and I wish I were only alone in the way you are, instead of like I am.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

klim

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #8 on: October 16, 2015, 04:10:09 PM »
I also move very slowly in the" Getting together category"....no need to rush, you want to do it right.( nothing wrong with that).....BUt......
my NG is comittment phobic so this has not been an issue. But thinking about it, I actually wonder with your younger son whether he is perhaps more adaptable now than in a year or two from now.
I know I pay very close attention to my children but sometimes I don't know if I give them enough credit in their ability to adapt. Every time I think I do something that I think they are going to cringe at, they don't. They accept it.
When I first told them I was dating.....they took it in stride.
When I told them I was going on vacation with NG .....they took it in stride.
So I don't know what the answer is but just thought I share my point of view.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2015, 04:12:08 PM by klim »
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TooSoon

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #9 on: October 16, 2015, 05:19:18 PM »
The way I have dealt with my daughter (adp's kids are grown) is very matter of fact -ly. At first, I inoculated her.  I wanted to be sure the relationship would last before I brought him into her life; a little girl without a Daddy sees every man who looks like a Daddy as a potential Daddy and I needed to know we were in it for the long haul before I let her get attached to him.  But since then, I choose what makes the most sense for all of us.  If I had the option, we'd be living together like the little happy unit we are when we're together but that's not possible right now.  Of course it is important that your children understand and can weave NG into their life's narratives but your own happiness matters, too. 

My hyper-verbal 8 year old said to me, "You are a lot more fun when A is here."  That spoke volumes to me.  Be sure to tend to your own needs, too. 

hachi

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #10 on: October 16, 2015, 08:31:43 PM »
My kids were a bit older. They were not ready for me to be involved with New Guy. Went from "oh, nice guy mom is seeing" to "oh, who is this guy who thinks he know what my mom needs, wants, has to complicate her life" back to "nice guy who loves my mom"...

I think that their grief is as complicated as ours. They struggle with the idea that anyone other than our DH can be a crucial part of our life. The  fact of the matter is, we all struggle. And if the relationship is a healthy one, eventually, everyone will get to the point, if they are honest, where they see that it is good for us to have love in our lives.
If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.      ~ A. Einstein

Trying

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #11 on: October 16, 2015, 09:20:42 PM »
Rob, sometimes I am surprised he sticks around too, and I've asked him why.  We are just at the point where everyone is polite and able to share a meal.  Oldest who had been so difficult is doing better, can watch a football game on TV with NG and banter, middle son still doesn't really have a conversation with him but is polite and likes his kids.  That's part of the issue though, if he moves in he comes with 2 little kids 50% of the time. That's a major change in the dynamics of the house.  The TV shows, video games, humor and conversations would all have to change.  It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

I hesitate to talk about this stuff here because I know I am very lucky to have found love again but no one in my real life understands the complexities.  My divorced friends only have their kids half the time and the kids get pissed, they spend more time with the other parent.  My kids have no escape option.
You will forever be my always.

anniegirl

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #12 on: October 16, 2015, 09:35:28 PM »
Little ones change the dynamics.

My daughter was four. Husband's girls were 22 and 24. But they are sisters now at 13, 30 and just 33.

And it was work for my husband to go from mostly empty nest to practically starting over.

It's doable. If it's what you really want.
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RobFTC

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #13 on: October 16, 2015, 09:59:55 PM »
It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

Well, you're making yourself wait, too, right?  I am not sure whether you are waiting for you, your kids, or just because it all feels hard.  All are fine, though figuring it out might help you relax into the decision.

BTW, I don't like the tone of my prior reply, it should have been kinder.

Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

TooSoon

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Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #14 on: October 16, 2015, 11:25:39 PM »
I keep trying to sabotage my relationship, thinking I'd simply be better off alone.  I know this is lunacy but when I think of my child I do get tangled up.  Adp had his own life; its reality is very different from mine.  I worry about dragging him into my world when he (as a widower) should't have to relive it.  With that being said, I do think one must just jump at a certain point.  I would if there was a way.