Author Topic: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"  (Read 4151 times)

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #15 on: October 17, 2015, 04:32:06 AM »
As always you are all a great sounding board and very open in sharing your own experiences.  I do need, at some point to just leap.  It's never going to be easy or the perfect time and right now, what I'm doing, is certainly not easy either.  I think I need to start talking to the kids about the direction I see this relationship going. I have such a hard time talking to them about what I want or need after 19 years of mothering and putting my needs on the back burner. I have to find that balance between taking care of them and taking care of myself and stop second guessing everything.

What I really want right now is my old life back with DH when everything was easier.
You will forever be my always.

Abitlost

  • Member
  • Posts: 189
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #16 on: October 17, 2015, 05:56:10 AM »
Rob, sometimes I am surprised he sticks around too, and I've asked him why.  We are just at the point where everyone is polite and able to share a meal.  Oldest who had been so difficult is doing better, can watch a football game on TV with NG and banter, middle son still doesn't really have a conversation with him but is polite and likes his kids.  That's part of the issue though, if he moves in he comes with 2 little kids 50% of the time. That's a major change in the dynamics of the house.  The TV shows, video games, humor and conversations would all have to change.  It feels so selfish to put my needs first but at the same time feels so unfair to NG to make him wait.

I hesitate to talk about this stuff here because I know I am very lucky to have found love again but no one in my real life understands the complexities.  My divorced friends only have their kids half the time and the kids get pissed, they spend more time with the other parent.  My kids have no escape option.

I shall dissent from the jump in/leap of faith position. First marriages have a 50% divorce rate. Second marriages, 67%. Third marriages 73%. My opinion is that a major contributor to the demise of second+ marriages is the complicated family dynamics when kids are born outside the new relationship.

From https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201202/the-high-failure-rate-second-and-third-marriages :

"Ironically, the presence of children in second and third marriages, if they are from previous marriages, can cause problems and lead to tension. Having to adjust to your spouse's children and his/her relationship with them is often difficult for couples. Inevitably rivalries and arguments arise, making this a constant area of conflict. In these cases the children can be a destabilizing factor in a second or third marriage."

Even if the marriage/partner relationship survived, for me, the adjustments inherently necessary for my kids to share me and their lives with step-siblings was too much to stomach. For me, the stability of my kids -- both emotional and physical -- and the solid relationship we maintain were not things I wished to jeopardize. So although my chapter 2 failed as a result and I suffered the loss of my relationship, I have solace in knowing I did not compromise my most important relationships (my kids) and that our relationship will always be intact.

abl

RobFTC

  • Member
  • Posts: 455
  • Lost Michelle to ovarian cancer 2010/11/07
    • Celtic Journeys radio show
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #17 on: October 17, 2015, 10:14:42 AM »
TooSoon, I hear you.  I save time by sabotaging relationships before they get started (half-joking).

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

anniegirl

  • Member
  • Posts: 322
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #18 on: October 17, 2015, 01:46:00 PM »
Divorce stats are meaningless unless you drill them down by age, education level and income. There are a lot of factors in what contributes to long term success or not and the definition of what constitutes a successful marriage varies.

Children are a big factor in whether 2nd marriages thrive but I don't think it is luck when they do succeed or an accident when they don't. Kids don't act out in vacuum for no discernible reason. Nor do they step up and pitch in "just cuz".

Successful relationships - like failed ones - occur for many reasons, but successful ones, in my experience, are not left to chance. They were planned. Mom and Dad were on the same page. There was lots of communicating going on. Lots of honesty. Lots of reality checking and lots and lots of work - some of it hard and some of it just the normal being the parent thing.

Ultimately, we all find our own paths post widowhood. There is no one best destiny. It's individual.

This is not the droid you are looking for.

Abitlost

  • Member
  • Posts: 189
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #19 on: October 17, 2015, 02:59:01 PM »
Divorce stats are meaningless unless you drill them down by age, education level and income. There are a lot of factors in what contributes to long term success or not and the definition of what constitutes a successful marriage varies.

Children are a big factor in whether 2nd marriages thrive but I don't think it is luck when they do succeed or an accident when they don't. Kids don't act out in vacuum for no discernible reason. Nor do they step up and pitch in "just cuz".

Successful relationships - like failed ones - occur for many reasons, but successful ones, in my experience, are not left to chance. They were planned. Mom and Dad were on the same page. There was lots of communicating going on. Lots of honesty. Lots of reality checking and lots and lots of work - some of it hard and some of it just the normal being the parent thing.

Ultimately, we all find our own paths post widowhood. There is no one best destiny. It's individual.

I suspect the widow-widower divorce rate is lower than a widow/er-divorcee or two divorcees because the widow/er has a proven track record for a successful marriage. I also suspect some ages are easier to blend families, with younger having greater success. I agree neither luck nor accident lead to success or failure, but there are numerous variables including personalities to consider.

Trying

  • Member
  • Posts: 1607
  • aka MissingmyTim
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #20 on: October 17, 2015, 08:53:04 PM »
I think it's important to know the statistics so you work extra hard not to become one.  I am all about learning from other people's successes and mistakes, that's why I come to all of you for advice.  I think a blended family doesn't work without a lot of forethought, cooperation, and a united front. For me, that means thoughtful planning and lots of discussion.  I know I can't plan for and predict every pitfall or prevent our children from going through an adjustment period but overthinking is what I do. 
You will forever be my always.

TooSoon

  • Guest
Re: "You're not alone, you're just by yourself"
« Reply #21 on: October 17, 2015, 09:22:25 PM »
I agree that communication is key.  It has astounded me more than once the way I have been able to open up and articulate what I am thinking and feeling to adp.  I never could have done that before and it still makes my skin crawl, but the stakes are much higher now. 

A thought: this summer we took a vacation.  Adp, his daughter, M and me on a two week road trip.  24/7 for 15 days.  We had a lot of fun but it was also a chance for all of us to get used to one another and to operate as a unit.  A few weeks later I went camping with adp and his two kids - camping. - for four days.  Close quarters, no showers, lots of free time on our hands just to hang out.  It was ridiculously fun but these situations have been important for normalizing and demystifying things - plenty of time to talk, just hang out, etc.  Maybe something like that could be a way to transition into something more family-like?  I don't know, just thinking out loud.