Author Topic: A rainbow without color  (Read 1672 times)

Dark Rose

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A rainbow without color
« on: October 22, 2015, 01:05:23 AM »
I am tired of waking up to this colorless world. I don't even know who I am anymore. Nothing has meaning not one darn thing. I was running, and still am in a fog. But I am tired of taking it day by day. Constantly living in panic, constantly. He was the one person that understood everything about me, even my silence. He knew what I needed when I needed it. He knew be better then I knew myself. I am tired of getting up every morning and noticing that the sun is out even though he isn't here with me. I am tired of people asking how I am and me saying i'm fine, and them believing me. I am just tired of everything, my heart is tired, my brain is tired, I am so drained.  I just want my husband back, I am so incomplete and lost here without him..

Constantly playing a character in a movie only I star in, a sad movie, a movie of heartbreak...a doom that only I see. Don't really understand how the world is moving right along, when I feel so lost? I have to fake it when in public, the lack of understanding is just painful... there is no soul in anything...nothing but my tears are real.
Forever incomplete, and broken without you....

Trying

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #1 on: October 22, 2015, 04:59:13 AM »
(((Dark rose))) having to go through the motions and pretend everything is fine gets exhausting.  I did a lot of screaming and cursing in my car and said all of the things I wished I could say to the well meaning people who asked "how are you really?"

Keep letting it out, I hear you.
You will forever be my always.

SoVerySad

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #2 on: October 22, 2015, 05:11:16 AM »
Tight hugs to you, DarkRose. You've so eloquently described one of the hardest and loneliest parts of being widowed, IMO. And, yes, it is completely exhausting trying to maintain a fa?ade when you feel so broken and empty. I wish I knew how to make it less painful and exhausting for you.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

donswife

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #3 on: October 22, 2015, 07:07:32 AM »
yes the "I am fine" is exhausting
what you wrote I can actually feel and I wish it could be different
just know we are here
take care
My everything

Dark Rose

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #4 on: October 22, 2015, 07:41:58 PM »
Thanks everyone... I know everyone here understands. I am so exhausted.
Forever incomplete, and broken without you....

canadiangirl

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #5 on: October 23, 2015, 03:06:53 AM »
I do understand.  When you feel that society demands that you say and pretend that you are fine - and you are assuredly not fine- it also makes you less inclined to engage in that society, hence the hermiting described in Quixote's other post.  It is absolutely exhausting.  I think grief also just plays on you and saps your energy, even when you are preoccupied with something else.  I hope you get some real rest or a complete change of scenery that helps you recharge.

First Widow

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #6 on: October 23, 2015, 07:38:26 AM »
Constantly playing a character in a movie only I star in, a sad movie, a movie of heartbreak...a doom that only I see. Don't really understand how the world is moving right along, when I feel so lost? I have to fake it when in public, the lack of understanding is just painful... there is no soul in anything...nothing but my tears are real.

This is exactly how I feel, like an actor...and I can't even imagine the scene where I truthfully answered anyone who asks "how are you really?"  (((hugs))) Dark Rose, wishing you rest and comfort.
"But slowly he stole my broken heart and put the pieces back together while I wasn’t looking…and I love him."

Jess

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #7 on: October 23, 2015, 11:11:16 AM »
It IS exhausting... so exhausting. Positive thoughts to you. I so get it.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

Jen

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #8 on: October 23, 2015, 09:38:36 PM »
((((((HUGS))))))

I wish I had more to add, but you summed it all up.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

Dark Rose

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Re: A rainbow without color
« Reply #9 on: October 23, 2015, 11:24:31 PM »
Once again thank you everyone. Had a major breakdown last night, felt so very alone and misunderstood. . Feeling tired today as usual. This is a never ending doom and is so much more then missing my husband. I am tired of doing the motions. I am glad people understand here, I appreciate all of you
Forever incomplete, and broken without you....