Author Topic: Ramblings....  (Read 2672 times)

Wheelerswife

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Ramblings....
« on: October 29, 2015, 11:33:54 PM »
It seems that at least a couple times a year I write a rambling post, trying to put words to what?s transpired in my life.  I guess I?m at that point right about now.  It is hard to believe it has been over 21 months since my second husband John died.  That was a mere 4 ? years after my first husband Barry died.  Many of you have been there for a lot of this rollercoaster.  I?ve appreciated the support.  How have I coped with this second great loss? And the medical issues and cancer diagnosis that followed?  It hasn?t been easy.  It has taken medication, a good counselor, the support of widow friends and the university community that loved my husband, a service dog for panic and anxiety, two summer-long cross country road trips, the completion of another Bachelor?s degree and the start of a Master?s degree that will take me another year to complete.

I met with my counselor this week.  I see him almost daily where I work at the university, but I hadn?t talked with him behind closed doors in 6 to 8 weeks, I think.  I always cry about something in his office.  He asked me how I was doing.  My answer came ? ?I?m doing okay.?  And then?the tears came?not the slobbery snotty kind of crying, but the tears that well up in your eyes but still overflow.  It is true.  I?m doing okay.  My rare cancer that was growing aggressively has been undetectable since surgery six weeks after John died.  I have my moments where I feel sadness.  I?ve got a better grasp on anxiety than I did a year ago when it interfered with just about every relationship in my life.  I still find myself with my heart rate quickening and pounding in my chest at times, but with my dog at my side, I manage my anxiety without rescue medication most of the time.  I know what most of my triggers are and I face them more directly.  I?ve spent a lot of time alone.  I still get up every day and I get out, but being alone has allowed me to really process my grief.  This past summer, I took myself to many places that John and I had hoped to see together.  I felt his absence acutely.  I buried half of his ashes next to his late wife.  That was agonizingly painful for me.

I think I?ve turned a corner, though.  I?m having a good semester in school.  I still procrastinate like crazy, but I?m learning and researching and stretching myself.  My focus has turned from the past to the future.  A year from December, I will finish my degree and I will need to be making some decisions.  I don?t think I can stay where I am.  I?ll likely need to relocate and start my second career someplace new.  I don?t have a clue where that might be, but I?m open to possibilities.

I?m ready to think about meeting someone new.  That sounds quite daunting, but I know I?m not meant to live life alone.  I will need to find someone willing to take on all of what I bring to the table.  I?ve added a lot of baggage in the last 21+ months.  I hope this can happen organically, but I?m almost certain that I?m going to have to work to make it happen.  I wish this part were easier.  I suppose there really isn?t an easy way, is there?

Thanks for reading.

Maureen
Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness

RobFTC

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2015, 11:38:08 PM »
Hugs, Maureen.  Glad to hear about some of the nice rays of light!

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

TooSoon

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 11:47:49 PM »
Rob is right and so are you - rays of light!  You will find your way.  You might not see it but you have come so so very far.  That is something to celebrate.  And you know me, if I had any doubt, I'd tell you! ; )  Keep on, friend.  You are doing everything right.  xx

twistedmensa

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #3 on: October 30, 2015, 12:16:39 AM »
You are my hero! I see you overcoming so much and while I know you still struggle, you continue to actively participate in life. I am truly motivated by your strength.

canadiangirl

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #4 on: October 30, 2015, 05:54:34 AM »
I say it again, you are an inspiration to me.  Thanks for sharing this post- not a ramble, a taking stock.

Torn

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #5 on: October 30, 2015, 08:50:02 AM »
Just wanna say, your drives foward to continue on are amazing thing.
 inspiration is to small of a word to define your progress, continue on and know your story brings hope to my soul.
« Last Edit: October 31, 2015, 10:02:26 AM by Torn »
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

Trying

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #6 on: October 30, 2015, 09:13:40 AM »
Maureen, you have faced so many obstacles in your widow journey and I know it is a tough road.  The good news is that you keep putting one foot in front of the other and you work hard at looking forward.  I'm glad you still have time left in your program so you don't have to make any major decisions about where you will end up just yet.
You will forever be my always.

SimiRed

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2015, 09:21:41 AM »
{{Hugs}}  You are an inspiration to so many people, including myself.  You are  the most genuine person that I know with motivation and perseverance that is unimaginable. 

Any person would be lucky to have you in their life, I hope you find someone who values you and showers you with attention!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

mmg19

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2015, 10:15:08 AM »
Maureen you are such an asset to this board.  Your motivation, compassion, inspiration, and honesty have touched me and others in so many ways.  As different as our circumstances, the thread of grief is common to each of us.  ((Hugs))

donswife

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2015, 10:30:06 AM »
not rambling at  all just real truth, which is what I see in all your post
yes those tears that flow which have a mind and broken heart of their own , such different tears like ones I have never felt before
like everyone has mentioned you are an inspiration to us all
take
care
My everything

Catnip

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2015, 01:35:47 PM »
Peace to you Maureen.
Give Rosie a scritching behind her ears for me!
~Catnip
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.

Captains wife

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #11 on: October 31, 2015, 06:34:01 AM »
Your positive attitude has been an inspiration. You have been through so much and continue to move forward with your life. Wishing you all the best in your next chapter.

JeanGenie

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #12 on: October 31, 2015, 08:42:13 AM »
Hugs Maureen!
You have been through so much and still are able to pick your head up and look ahead to possibilities.  As others have said, you are an inspiration especially when I have faced far fewer challenges and struggle myself.  You show me that loving again is possible even knowing the risk of losing again is possible.  You can move forward, you can keep living.  So not a rant, just another example of how you inspire the rest of us!
I miss how happy I was with you.

momtokam

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2015, 10:39:41 AM »
Hugs Maureen....

There really is no easy way...but it's so good to hear you are looking forward and feeling hopeful.

kjs1989

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Re: Ramblings....
« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2015, 03:26:11 PM »
Insightful reflections for sure.

I especially get what you said about being alone to process grief. I need that alone and down time, too. Sometimes I feel like I want to run from my grief, but I think my alone time is beneficial for moving forward and achieving balance in the day to day.

Thanks for sharing.