It seems that at least a couple times a year I write a rambling post, trying to put words to what?s transpired in my life. I guess I?m at that point right about now. It is hard to believe it has been over 21 months since my second husband John died. That was a mere 4 ? years after my first husband Barry died. Many of you have been there for a lot of this rollercoaster. I?ve appreciated the support. How have I coped with this second great loss? And the medical issues and cancer diagnosis that followed? It hasn?t been easy. It has taken medication, a good counselor, the support of widow friends and the university community that loved my husband, a service dog for panic and anxiety, two summer-long cross country road trips, the completion of another Bachelor?s degree and the start of a Master?s degree that will take me another year to complete.
I met with my counselor this week. I see him almost daily where I work at the university, but I hadn?t talked with him behind closed doors in 6 to 8 weeks, I think. I always cry about something in his office. He asked me how I was doing. My answer came ? ?I?m doing okay.? And then?the tears came?not the slobbery snotty kind of crying, but the tears that well up in your eyes but still overflow. It is true. I?m doing okay. My rare cancer that was growing aggressively has been undetectable since surgery six weeks after John died. I have my moments where I feel sadness. I?ve got a better grasp on anxiety than I did a year ago when it interfered with just about every relationship in my life. I still find myself with my heart rate quickening and pounding in my chest at times, but with my dog at my side, I manage my anxiety without rescue medication most of the time. I know what most of my triggers are and I face them more directly. I?ve spent a lot of time alone. I still get up every day and I get out, but being alone has allowed me to really process my grief. This past summer, I took myself to many places that John and I had hoped to see together. I felt his absence acutely. I buried half of his ashes next to his late wife. That was agonizingly painful for me.
I think I?ve turned a corner, though. I?m having a good semester in school. I still procrastinate like crazy, but I?m learning and researching and stretching myself. My focus has turned from the past to the future. A year from December, I will finish my degree and I will need to be making some decisions. I don?t think I can stay where I am. I?ll likely need to relocate and start my second career someplace new. I don?t have a clue where that might be, but I?m open to possibilities.
I?m ready to think about meeting someone new. That sounds quite daunting, but I know I?m not meant to live life alone. I will need to find someone willing to take on all of what I bring to the table. I?ve added a lot of baggage in the last 21+ months. I hope this can happen organically, but I?m almost certain that I?m going to have to work to make it happen. I wish this part were easier. I suppose there really isn?t an easy way, is there?
Thanks for reading.
Maureen
