Specific Situations > Suicide/Addiction/Mental Illness/Abuse

Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?

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Hi everyone. I am just past 4.5 years out. I was talking to a lovely woman before I found YWBB who told me she was widowed young and suggested I find a young widow grief group, so I googled "young widow grief group" and found YWBB. I was completely shaken to my core. I have a lot of very complicated circumstances surrounding J and I's relationship and his death, so instead of giving you step by step circumstances, I will sum it up the best I can.

When I met J, I was not intially attracted. As some time passed, I found him very attractive on different levels. We shared common struggles in our past and bonded quickly. He was sober when I met him. Shortly after we started dating, he relapsed. I did not recognize the man in front of me. It was like Jeykll and Hyde. He had a dirty outfit on and looked totally different. I told him I could not stay in the relationship under these circumstances. He struggled for a bit, but regained sober footing. He was sober 2 years. It was not all great. We both struggled, but loved each other deeply. It was hard to say the least. He had more relapses and I left him. It was too crazy. After a horrendous relapse he had, he sobered up again. We were in contact. Then the person he was drinking with, died. That messed him up. It was a quick slide downhill. We were supposed to get together for dinner to talk. The last I talked to him he was sober. He showed up at my door, his behavior and the look in his eyes told me, but i denied it to myself. He went to the bathroom at the restaurant about 4 times to snort something. He was so discombobulated and his pupils were the size of the head of a needle. I was so sad and so hurt and so humiliated for thinking it would be different this time. I knew I had to completely let go and trust that God would take care of him. I knew we just were not good for each other and it brpke my heart. We had a conversation and ended it. He really went off the deep end.. 2 DUI's in 5 weeks. Then he had to get drug tested/blow to ensure he wasn't using/drinking, so he started huffing computer duster. They couldn't test for that, so that is how he got by. He ended up in the ER with 2 head injuries before he died. One visit he got stitches and the other visit he got staples. He had been huffing and passed out and hit his head. The day he died, he started out sober. He had contact with some of our mutual friends. They said his eyes sparkled. He went and bought computer duster and stood at the foot of his bed (to prevent more injuries to his head) fell face first in his pillow, passed out, and suffocated. His death was a very tragic thing. He was a great person, but just cpuld not get honest with himself about himself. On many levels I still process our time together, his death, and circumstances and people surrounding his death. I am Beyond Active Grieving, and have been for 2 years or so. His tragic unexpected death sent me into a tailspin. I went into major depression, but did not realize it. I thought it was the grief. I thought about suicide everyday, but i just could not complete it. It has been a ride, that is for sure!

My first two years I spent most of my time in the Special Circumstances forum. I related mostly to fellow SOS widows-because my husbands suicide was such a traumatic shock to me. I honestly could not wrap my head around it..I obsessed over it...reliving those 3 days he was missing...over and over...I had such a roller coaster of emotions...from despair to anger to rage fluctuating within hours of the day.

At about 4 years out...I made peace with it...When we started communicating. Ben doesn't want to be remembered for his impulsive decision to take his own life. His mistake (and we all make them) was his final one. I remember now the man he was for the majority of our marriage-not the last few months of his life. Suicide is not his legacy.

But it took years and a miracle from divine intervention to get to that point.

The main advice I have to fellow SOSers is not to dismiss the trauma you've been dealt. (Especially if you witnessed the suicide or found the body). I thought I was a tough ass...and forged ahead...taking care of 3 tiny kids, dating way too soon...and masking my trauma/grief by developing a severe chronic addiction to various prescription medications that in the end almost killed me.

After 7.5 years I have recovered from the trauma/grief...after 3 years clean..I have recovered from my addiction but work my recovery every single day. Get any help you need to get through this. You will recover and life will be beautiful again. But allow the gift of time to do it's job.

Peace to anyone who finds themselves in this forum. I guess my post also falls under "Surviving a Suicide" as well.

For some reason, I am having trouble knowing what to write here.. anyway I will muddle through..

I found the site 2 days after the suicide of my husband and joined 2 weeks later. I became almost addicted to the forum as it felt like the only sane place on Earth at the time. That was 3 1/2 years ago now. I was the one to find my husband dead in my loungeroom and I administered CPR along with my then 15 yr old son until help arrived.

I read a poem once that was called The Raging In My Soul and that is how I would describe the first 2 years of my recovery.    His death, suicide, us, it was all consuming to say the least. If I wasn't crying I was pure anger but when I reflect on those 2 years, that anger served me well. I got stuff done! I now know that anger is really fear and hurt in disguise but I was facing quite a few legal battles and family ones also and combine all that with not sleeping from doing night feeds with a newborn, well, you get a storm.

Life is very different now, which is important to share with the new members of SOS. When this first happened, I thought I was going to feel that hardcore grieving forever. When I think about Andy and what happened that day, I feel melancholy and sad for him. His suicide was just so unnecessary but I no longer feel sorry for myself. My head is clearer, I've returned to work last month and I even quit smoking just before Christmas.

I am not finished with it yet though. I'm still trying to figure out where I go from here but I am in no rush either.

I lost my husband of 7 years and best friend of 11 years at the end of March 2011 to suicide. I found the YWBB shortly thereafter in dire need of someone who understood and that I didn't have to pretend it was all okay.

I am facing the 4 year anniversary this month and cannot believe it has been that many years.

I am so glad that this place will be here for not only those of us who came before but all that will need it and come after.

My Specific Situations Heroes,

I love you guys.  You and so many of the threads spoke to me on levels that I couldn't reach with my friends and family.  Gates of Hell was probably one of the best threads on the entire board and I hope it brings the same comfort to the newly widowed that it did and still does to me.  I was so happy to see that one make the migration.

When I met Matt, he told me he had been to rehab years prior.  He was sober for most of our relationship until he wasn't, as it goes.  When he went to rehab, it was for drugs (GHB for those that know what that is).  He was in a mess of a situation and his dealer went to prison for 10 years.  Fast forward to when that dealer got out of prison and Matt still owed him money.  That's when it all went downhill for us, fatally for him.  He started drinking and just couldn't stop.  He'd detox and be great for awhile, then start drinking again.  When he died, I thought he was in a sober phase.  I found out 4 months later, when the tox report came back, that was not the case.  I'd suspected it, as those living with addicts do.  He died in a car accident and the first trooper on the scene invited me to his house, where he insisted that there was no chance Matt was drunk.  Not only was there a chance, he was out of his mind, off the charts intoxicated.  The anger and hurt I felt when I received that report almost killed me, too.  It took reading all of your posts to ground me and enable me to remember how hurt and scared that man was.  Matt had an incredible heart and an absolutely infectious smile.  Everyone he talked to felt important and loved.  We had some great years and I refuse to let how he died be his legacy.  I am still thankful every day that he was the only one hurt in the accident that night, but I hate alcohol and I resent the hell out of the fact that I don't have my husband because of it.  I still feel immeasurable guilt every time someone else joins this board because of a drunk driver, but it doesn't make me love Matt any less or hurt any less that he's gone. 

So many of you saved me and I've loved seeing your screen names pop up on this new board.  Thank you for your posts and your support and your compassion.  You're my heroes and I really mean that. 

Bluebird and Wifeless, I can think of no others better fit to moderate this section of the board.  The two of you have always been such inspirations to me and seeing your Chapter 2 brings the happy tears. 


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