Author Topic: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?  (Read 7433 times)

bumbleb

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #15 on: May 14, 2015, 12:30:40 PM »
Hi All. I found ywbb.org a month or so after my DH completed suicide late October 2009. I lurked on those boards for years, finding strength and solace within the Widda world.
I admit I felt a little adrift with the closing of ywbb.org- I'm very glad that I am able to re-connect with fellow SOS survivors and other widows again.
This life after your death is a strange journey. M 1973-2009

CiscoMom

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #16 on: June 10, 2015, 11:03:58 PM »
I lost my husband, my college sweetheart, the father of my children, the person I intended to grow old with to suicide in January 2013 after 20 years together, 15 years married and two kids under 10. I had visited YWBB periodically to read stories from survivors that share a common ground; however I had never felt comfortable sharing my thoughts online until now. 

My husband suffered from bouts of depression throughout his life and had a problem with alcohol. The depression became drastically worse when he sought help from a psychiatrist and became addicted to prescription medication (not a good combination with alcohol addiction). He was a good husband and father for the most part. I always thought we had a good marriage, but I now feel I don?t even have the right to say that. In some ways, I have moved on?mainly literally, I moved to a new house to get a fresh start. I thought about dating a year ago, but never pursued anything. Now, I have lost all desire to date. I can?t even fathom having the energy to do that while trying to raise my kids. It would be nice to catch a movie once in while with a friend or something, but I find myself isolated?perhaps by my own doing. I feel as though I am surrounded by traditional families, which makes me miss my old life. I have gone past the profound grief stage, and now just find myself lonely. 

I strive each day to find peace with what happened and the world. I?ve made some progress, but I?m still a long way from there. I really appreciate the moderators for establishing this site so we can share stories with others of similar experience. Thanks for listening.

WifeLess

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #17 on: June 11, 2015, 06:56:25 PM »
CiscoMom,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum, and thank you for sharing your story. I previously posted the following on YWBB:

"When an issue such as alcoholism, drug addiction, mental illness or suicide is involved in a spouse's death, dealing with the aftermath is especially difficult. As anyone who has gone through one of these knows, life was likely very complicated and exhausting for many years before their spouse's death. It was probably an ambiguous love / hate relationship with a wide range of behaviors, some loving, some argumentative, some violent. And so for those who are left behind to deal with the consequences, feelings will probably be conflicted, just as they were before their spouse's death. Normal feelings of grief are therefore made more complicated, and the time it takes to heal may differ from those widowed under other more 'normal' circumstances."

Sorry for your traumatic loss. I hope you will find a measure of comfort here.

--- WifeLess

Catherine

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #18 on: August 12, 2015, 03:12:21 PM »
I lost Phil 22 months ago. 2013 was without a doubt the worst year of my life.  Lost my Mum to MS in January, lost my husband to suicide in October.

For me, no one had any idea Phil was depressed, he literally just took off one day and took his life.  So I spent a long time feeling like I had failed as his wife, how could I live with this man who I had known for 10 years and had no idea how he was feeling?

I am now feeling very lost, we had no kids so for the first time in my life I am living alone.  I say alone, but I do have my 2 dogs who mean the world to me.  Mylo was mine and Phil's dog, although saying that Mylo was always more attached to Phil than me!  So Mylo took loosing Phil very badly too, on the days I couldn't get out of bed, Mylo stayed by my side and didn't even ask for food or to go to the toilet, he was just protecting me.  I then got Lola 2 months after Phil died and that was definitely a good decision, she gave me something to focus on.

So really, I am on my own with no warning and a part of me died that day too.  I feel like the world is moving on and I'm stuck in the moment of October 2013 and  it's odd.  I don't know what my purpose in life is anymore........especially as pretty much all my friends are married and/or have kids

Hoping to make some new friends here who understand

WifeLess

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #19 on: August 12, 2015, 07:37:35 PM »
Catherine,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

There are a number of us here who have borne the extraordinary burden of the SOS (survivor of suicide) widow(er). Hopefully it will bring you a measure of comfort to know that you are not alone.

Feeling we no longer have a purpose in life is common among the newly widowed, especially for those of us who were with our spouses for a very long time and never had children. Several months after my wife's suicide I posted:

Quote
So now that she is gone, my life is pretty much empty. I appear to function, but it is without direction, meaning or purpose. I frequently wonder: What is the point of going on? I haven't found an answer yet, and I don't expect to anytime soon. It took me so many years to establish my professional life, and even longer to find the woman who would bring joy and meaning to that life. So, how long will it take me to find purpose again? Will that ever happen?

At this point, I accept that I am not in a position to uncover the answers to those questions. I have only recently entered this strange new world, and I am still learning my way. I also know that I have not been thinking very clearly in the months since I lost my beloved. Months that have been filled with shock, grief and loneliness.

So for now, I will spend my time trying to heal. That is as much as I can handle. And those questions, as important as they are, will have to wait.

I now see that those last two paragraphs actually proved to be among the best pieces of advice that I could have given myself back then. For more than a year, I blindly put one foot in front of the other and kept going, even though I didn't have a clue where I was headed or why. But as time passed, my life did slowly change for the better. A new direction for my future eventually revealed itself and I began to develop a new sense of purpose. Which is why I often post to newer members: Please hold onto hope. You will not always feel as you do now.

Sorry for the traumatic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

seaforrest

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2017, 08:27:24 PM »
I am here for the first time -  2 years after the death of my husband on December 24, 2014.  A close friend of mine saw an ad for this forum and notified me tonight, but only after I brought up the desire to begin seeking counsel / support online.  I am a true believer that God places tools in our hands at the moment we need them.  I look forward to gaining strength from this group and hope to encourage others in return.

I'm not sure I am ready to go into full detail of my situation.  I haven't yet known of anyone to walk the same path I am walking.  My husband suffered from extreme manic / bipolar depression.  I don't regret our marriage.  I have learned from our marriage.  I only grieve the internal despair he fought on a daily basis and the resulting tragic end of his life at age 45.  I mourn the tragic end of his life and the way my two daughters and I will always remember his last words.  After a still unbelievable, inconceivable night of manic fury, my daughters and I left our home in true fear of our lives.  My father approached my husband the next day to help me determine if he had slept off whatever state of mind (drug induced? manic breakdown?) he was suffering, and their interaction ended in a shooting.  My beloved father and my beloved, but very troubled husband, are forever linked in history on that fateful day.  I still feel like I have not woken up from this bad dream.  I still feel that he must still just be around the corner.  If I begin to think of the trauma this one day caused to my family and to myself and to my daughters, I get overwhelmed.  On the other hand, we no longer walk on eggshells each morning and evening worried what mood we are coming home to.  The day after his death, my 14 year old daughter said to me "mom - I am so sad but he scared me so much."  I don't really even know how to contend with the equal degrees of our mourning and our simultaneous relief.  I am 42 years old.  I didn't grow up in an abusive home.  They did.  I grieve on so many levels, yet I am also relieved he is gone for the sake of my daughters.  I look forward to sorting through the many emotions I keep within.  I am known to be quite humorous, actually, but that has developed over the past 15 years.  I wonder if my quick wit has developed as a coping mechanism for what I have endured inside.  Thank you for developing a forum for every situation... grief is inconceivable unless you have also grieved.  I know that very well. 

RyanAmysMom

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2017, 09:18:59 PM »
Oh Seaforrest - I lost my dh about 18 months ago - not the same circumstances as yours, but you said something that really resonated with me - While I adored dh, worshiped him, waited on him, took care of him, I found that I was relieved when he passed.  It takes a lot of courage to admit that emotion in this situation - but that's the truth - I was relieved.  He was so tragically physically ill that it was a blessing that he died - I obviously didn't feel that way immediately, and I don't always feel that way, but I understand the feelings that you're having - my kids (now 13 and 16) have my full attention, they don't have to wait for me to wait on dad, to care for him - He had a temper, too - not to the extent that you dealt with, but it's nice to see the kids relax..... 

Keep talking - Keep processing -

Jennifer

WifeLess

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2017, 03:29:31 PM »
seaforrest,

Welcome to Young Widow Forum.

My wife was diagnosed with a bipolar disorder that included several major depressive episodes. Like you, I don't regret our marriage. I have often posted that over the decades we were together I learned many lessons from her valiant struggle to survive. Sadly, she eventually lost her battle in a horrifically violent and self-destructive manor. My road to recovery was a difficult one, but it was made much easier and shorter due to the posts I read and wrote on this site's predecessor, as well the many friends I made there.

Sorry for the trauma that you and your children have had to endure, and for the tragic loss that brought you here.

--- WifeLess

seaforrest

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Re: Introduce Yourself - What Brought You To Specific Situations?
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2017, 10:42:46 PM »
Thank you both for your response.  It is a great feeling to just have a place to write my thoughts.  Even though I know I am not alone in this struggle to find my footing again, it is rare to find someone with whom I can exercise  the complex emotions of the type of grief I bear.  I will read and absorb it all. Will continue to write as well.  Writing it down and re-reading my words does help to release my tears and packed emotion.  You offer a comfort zone here.