Author Topic: Stuck...  (Read 5365 times)

SoVerySad

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #15 on: November 20, 2015, 07:31:10 AM »
Tight hugs to you, SWW. I understand the hurt that accompanies the disappointment when those we expected would be there to support us vanish. I think it magnifies the loss of our spouses even more. I remember thinking about all I had done for so many family and friends. I felt cheated and hurt they didn't feel a desire to reciprocate. I realized that I was spending too much energy on my disappointment when I had so little energy to begin with. I decided that for now, I had to let my feelings about those others go. Not necessarily forgiving them, but focusing my energies elsewhere on things that might give me a little relief rather than adding to my pain. It was tough to do at first, but it helped me greatly to let go of that anger. I have no idea what my relationships with those people may be in the future, but it isn't something I need to prioritize right now.
I don't know if that approach might help you or not, but thought I would share something that helped me.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #16 on: November 20, 2015, 08:07:13 AM »
Thanks for the advice.

If I could, I'd probably cut most of them out of my life. But I'm not changing jobs anytime soon so...
It always been really hard for me to be alone. I've always had an easy time making friends. I'm just
not the same person anymore. I have been trying to focus on myself. Trying to figure out exactly
what it is I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what that is anymore.

Jess

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2015, 10:45:42 AM »
I have been trying to focus on myself. Trying to figure out exactly
what it is I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what that is anymore.

I think this is a struggle most of us face. I know I do. I used to be a wife to man that needed me. When he died, that was gone. So what is my new role? What am I supposed to do? I'd be lying if I said I have that figured out. I don't. But things have become clearer as time has passed and I suppose as it continues to pass it will continue to come even more into focus. I guess no real advice, just wanted to say I get it.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #18 on: November 22, 2015, 03:22:57 PM »
Thanks Jess.


I'm still slogging through it all, day by day. Part of me feels starved for attention. Part of me feels seclusion would be better.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone I know. Rejection is a powerful thing. I fear going out. I'm afraid to fall apart in front of anyone. I don't think I can really put myself out in the world because most just wouldn't understand how I keep acting.

On the few occasions that I've met new people, it's been terribly awkward. I struggle to just be normal, but I just end up coming off like an ass. I've heard people say...

"He hasn't been the same, just give him some space."
"I don't know why he's acting this way, what happened to him?"
"He's been cranky. Just leave him alone."

Excuses people make to not deal with the fact that you are suffering, and that they don't really want to put in the effort to help you out. Truth is, space is the last thing that I need. And after hearing things like this from the last group of people you have to talk to is just...

I wish I was the kind of person that could wake up everyday and not need anyone else's interaction. In trying to be ok with myself, I have made efforts to be that person. I really shouldn't care about people that value me so little. But everyday I wake up and hope that these people changed overnight. That they'll understand today what they brushed off yesterday. That they would care more, or see how much I need just a simple conversation, or ask if I need help.

It's a pipe dream. I've seen enough of the world to know it. Sadly I wan't to be friends more than they want to be mine. Why do I feel like I need to beg? Why don't the people who told me they care actually do it, instead of just saying it? If I could just pick a city and start over tomorrow, I would. Go somewhere where I don't have to be "That guy's fiancee died.". Go somewhere where I don't have to hear judgement from people who didn't even know her. It would all still be a part of who I am. But at least I could have a clean slate.

I'm sorry to vent so much.

Jen

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #19 on: November 23, 2015, 10:52:27 AM »
Thanks Jess.


I'm still slogging through it all, day by day. Part of me feels starved for attention. Part of me feels seclusion would be better.
I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone I know. Rejection is a powerful thing. I fear going out. I'm afraid to fall apart in front of anyone. I don't think I can really put myself out in the world because most just wouldn't understand how I keep acting.

Please, PLEASE do not be sorry for venting!! That's why we're here!

This sums it up very well. I desperately want human contact... except when I have it. Sigh. Mostly I just want one pair of arms to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. But that's not happening, so... :-\

Hugs to you.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

twistedmensa

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #20 on: November 23, 2015, 03:57:18 PM »
I desperately want human contact... except when I have it.
[/quote

OMG...story of my life...lol. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN! ;)

Quixote

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #21 on: November 24, 2015, 07:36:05 PM »
Another "get out of brain!" here. I just need to be alone. Except I miss people. Who need to give me my space. Where'd they all go?

Sound about right?

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #22 on: November 27, 2015, 08:22:36 AM »
I spent Thanksgiving alone. I have mixed feelings about it.

On one hand it was a quiet peaceful day. No one was trying to dance around my grief. No awkward family moments. I made a small dinner and ate alone. I feel like this was easier than being around a bunch of people. I cannot remember the last time I was alone for a Thanksgiving. I don't think I've ever had one alone.

On the other hand, I wasn't invited anywhere. No friends or family asked if I had any plans. No one bothered to ask me what I was doing. I received one text from Dad. That's it. I would like to think that if I had a friend going through this, especially during the holidays, I'd make sure they didn't have to go it alone. I'd at least make the offer.

I'm really tired of being the one that has to initiate. Why can't people who supposedly care take the time to be my friend? I've posted before how I feel about my group of "friends". I know it's because they aren't the friends I thought they were. I'm still dealing with that. I wanted more from people than what they want to give. And it's not my place to be angry at them for it. I should just move on and leave them behind.

Sadly, that just leaves me by myself. Me and my one text a month from Dad.

Part of me want's to be ok with being alone. Forge a new "me". One that's not so damn co-dependent on others. The other part of me wishes that I didn't have to, because my friends wouldn't let me be alone. I refuse to beg for friendship or attention. I'm so damn tired of putting myself out there just to be stepped on and ignored. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want people to notice a good person, one that is still suffering.

Max2507

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #23 on: November 27, 2015, 08:38:55 AM »
I don't know what people are thinking (or maybe its that they are not thinking) sorry you did not receive any invites for thanksgiving. Its times like this I wish there was a widow train to wisk widows off to a holiday meal so you could have some support with people that understand.

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #24 on: November 29, 2015, 12:04:43 AM »
Thanks Max.

I wish I knew what people were thinking too.

Freelancing

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #25 on: December 17, 2015, 12:41:53 AM »
As long as you're grieving, you're not stuck. Its a time of slowing down to do the most important thing - grieving your loss.
I kept the same kids, same dog, all his stuff, etc. Never had a reason to move out of our home. Over time the painful memories subsided, no longer triggers. All those things faded into the background so I could move on with healing. If it helps to tuck them away while you try to get through this period by all means do so.
Try not to be so hard on yourself with expectations of how you should be doing this, that and the other. We are geared to think if we're not physically productive, we're useless. Guess what, if you're grieving you are productive.
As for your co-workers and family, people somehow think of widowhood as a mental disease they'll contract. Some I've noticed fear it so much they stay away from the widowed to avoid thinking about it &/or to prevent bad mojo. And they think we're crazy! ;D Oh, and there are those who are simply uncompassionate assholes who can't be bothered.
Believe me, I was such a pathetic mess I didn't even like myself and it was due to the fact that I had unrealistic expectations of my grieving self. I still apologize to myself whenever I recall how hard I was on me. Be gentle with yourself to the best of your ability even if you don't want to. Tell yourself you did nothing to cause this nor could you have prevented it - I am not at fault in any way, shape or form. Make it a mantra to rid yourself of any guilt or responsibility you might think you have. Tell yourself I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving of all that is good. I started off with sour non believing attitude, as time went on I truly started believing it.

Hope this helps even if its just alittle bit.
« Last Edit: December 17, 2015, 12:53:02 PM by Freelancing »

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #26 on: December 22, 2015, 05:21:41 PM »
I understand why people say holidays are hard when you are alone.

Nothing much has changed in my life. Every time I try to get motivated to make changes I end up falling flat in a few days. The home we made together is a mess. I find its getting harder and harder just to clean up. I keep telling myself that I'm going to junk everything, and start over clean. Keep just a few things and accept that I live alone now. I have boxes and bags full of things I no longer need, but can't bring myself to be rid of them. I continually reach out to those around me for assistance, but everyone's just too busy to give me a hand. They are way too busy with the Holiday season and their happy families to give someone like me time.

Sadly it's getting easier to not get upset about things like this. I have a better understanding of the term "Fair weather Friends." I'm sick of being alone, but I don't want anything to do with these people who have left me to deal with this on my own. I've started to apply for jobs out of state. I just can't be around this place anymore. It doesn't feel like a home anymore.
There are no decorations. Nothing hangs on my door or the walls anymore. Phones don't ring. It's just four rooms and a roof.

If I don't distract myself, I start to become overwhelmed with how sad this place makes me. It weighs heavy on me, and I just want to be somewhere, anywhere but here.

Jen

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #27 on: December 23, 2015, 08:59:40 AM »
If I don't distract myself, I start to become overwhelmed with how sad this place makes me. It weighs heavy on me, and I just want to be somewhere, anywhere but here.

Exactly. I don't even have the excuse of living in the same house where my Jim died; we moved across town almost a year ago, and I never even drive by the old place. But this town weighs on me... the air seems heavy. I wish I could go somewhere else, somewhere far away, but it wouldn't matter-- anywhere I go, there I am. I want to get away from myself, and that just isn't possible.

I can't even find distraction lately. Nothing works. The best I can do is crocheting while watching brainless fluff on TV-- The Big Bang Theory or something on the Travel Channel. I walk and I cry. That's about all I've got. :(
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

stuckwonderingwhy

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #28 on: January 18, 2016, 09:25:06 AM »
I guess I should update, it's getting close to a year and I'll need to switch to the 1 year forum soon.

I've gotten better at letting the anger go. I still feel abandoned. I still feel disappointed about the people in my life.
I don't really talk with anyone anymore. Aside from passing banter and work related topics, the only interaction I get
with anyone seems to be online anymore.

I've tried to reach out, but I haven't had anyone stick around for any real conversation. People are starting to recommend
online dating, I just don't know how to "date" anymore. It's harder in your 30's than it is in your 20's. Almost everyone's in
a different place in life than I am. I just don't know what to do. Or even if I'm ready.

It's been difficult, but I've been packing up all of my things. I've donated so much of my home. I'm trying to get down
to just the necessary things I need for day to day living. I still dread going into my basement, it's full of my fiancee's
and brother's things. It's going to take some time yet before I can handle it.

I've been trying to get a new job lined up, far away. I really can't see myself moving on in this house. I still have so much
to do to get out of here. It's just so hard to keep working on it. I fall apart every time I try to pack a box or fill a bag. If
I had good friends, I wouldn't be doing this alone.

Overall, I feel either numb or depressed. I keep trying to eek out of feeling either. I wan't to feel better. I want to go out.
I just don't have the support I need here to do either. I just need to get out of here.

Jen

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Re: Stuck...
« Reply #29 on: January 21, 2016, 01:10:54 PM »
(((((((HUGS))))))))

I wish I had more to offer. This wid thing is exhausting, demoralizing, and just freaking HARD. I'm almost 2 years in and I'm only *just* beginning to get the glimmer of an idea that there might possibly, someday, be some hope of better. The incredible loneliness-- even when I'm surrounded by other people-- is unbelievable.

I'll keep holding on if you will. ((((HUGS)))))
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton