What a horrible day..

[br0peth]

A week ago my in-laws (mainly mom in law) decided that the mass I produced at our cult like non denominational Christian demon church wasn't what they had planned so they did another mass today at their catholic church today.  So I decided I would go to honor their wishes because you know its their daughter.  I took in account their wishes to have her buried at the cemetery where  their family currently resides.   My pastor said why you going, you don't owe anyone anything? 

So I sat through another mass today (more like sat through the funeral again) for my wife.  I sobbed uncontrollably and wonder why I was there.  I got up half way through it and left it. 

Talk about taking some steps back.  I know I shouldn't have gone.  At least I decided not to go to the luncheon after words.

Fuck.

[Jen]

Many, many hugs. I'm so sorry. My husband's funeral was horrible; his mother insisted on arranging it, and it in no way reflected my sweet Jim's beliefs or attitudes. The minister who conducted it was a friend of the family, but he hadn't known my husband since Jim was 8 years old, and knew literally nothing about him except what my MIL gave him. Unfortunately, what she gave him to say reflected who and what she wished her son had been, rather than who he was. It took everything I had not to jump up and punch the !&*$%@# in the face.

[sojourner]

Sounds like a waking nightmare. I'm sorry that it went down like that. Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugly.    I'm sorry.

[Wheelerswife]

I've learned that you can't stop people from doing what they feel they need to do.  You honored your wife with a funeral/memorial service that fit her/your belief system.  I'm glad you did that.  I don't know if I could have subjected myself to another funeral, either.  One is enough, eh?

I hope this new anguish will just wash over you and tomorrow you can at least feel some relief that it is over.  This is the time that I would just hole up in my home office and read a lot of this board.  Or play stupid games.  Or crawl under the covers and cry.

Hugs,

Maureen

[donswife]

I second Maureen's advise
get the support where you can, like here and do not beat your self up for trying to get through another awful day
you had good intentions with taking your wife's parents feelings in when yours are so raw
plus no matter what other people say you knew your wife and you knew what you wanted in your heart to do to honor her
take a breath and take care

[Quixote]

Jeez. Times like this, you realize death brings out the best and the worst in people. Sometimes you have to forgive, though. People in grief do odd things. The day after my wife's death, I walked in on my father in law going through her things, throwing out random stuff like library cards. I took her purse from his hands and asked him "What are you doing?" As gently as I could. He stared through me and yelled "I'm just trying to help you!"  Then a 79 year old man who had survived the London Blutz broke down in front of me.

No, it was not right to put you through that, or to attack (however indirectly) your faith. But they're a bit crazy right now.

[Trying]

One thing I have realized is that the grief of a parent and the grief of a spouse are very different things.  Sometimes we have to step back and grieve separately. We grieve the person they were most recently in the intimate way only we knew them and we grieve the future we planned and dreamed for that will never happen. A parent grieves the child they bore and raised and the rose colored image they hold dear.  Each deserves their place but sometimes they don't work together. 

I am so sorry that you had to experience that today. 

[sojourner]

One thing I have realized is that the grief of a parent and the grief of a spouse are very different things.  Sometimes we have to step back and grieve separately. We grieve the person they were most recently in the intimate way only we knew them and we grieve the future we planned and dreamed for that will never happen. A parent grieves the child they bore and raised and the rose colored image they hold dear.  Each deserves their place but sometimes they don't work together. 

I am so sorry that you had to experience that today.

All I can add is "yes" to this.

[Jess]

I also second what Trying said. On a person note, I didn't have to put up with another service, but I did have to deal with the MIL talking about what a terrible job I did with my husband's funeral. She was the only one that didn't say how appropriate of a way it was to honor my husband. I never knew the version of my husband she seemed to be grieving.

[br0peth]

I figured there are different view points of how one grieves.  You right about the parent not knowing who their daughter was.  Her father even mentioned to me they had no idea my wife was teaching kids at our church in Sunday school.  Funny thing her father even told me he would go to our church if it didn't upset her mother.

Thank you guys again for your words.  <3

[Carey]

I agree with all of the above. I wish I had read a lot of this before Chad died, because he had THREE funerals.   My sister forced me into one 2 days after I lost him .. his body was still in Saudi, so it didn't feel real and it didn't suit him or our life and I remember none of it.  His family refused to come to NC from Missouri, so they held one there all on their own complete with a walmart flag and a high school color guard.  (ugh!) ..they PRESENTED that flag to his mom. (don't get me started).  Finally, after 6 weeks when his body was brought back, I coordinated his interment ceremony at the Veteran's Cemetery and FINALLY it felt right. It felt like what he would have wanted and I got a smidge of peace. I never speak to his family anymore and that's just fine with me. Though Chad would hate it.

Anyway I didn't mean to ramble, but was just trying to say I can empathize.

[Mizpah]

My in-laws suddenly became very observant (we're Jewish) as soon as DH died.  The ceremonies I had to endure (and the super orthodox rabbis and rules) were incredibly traumatic to me.  I did it to "keep the peace" and because DH was such a good son that I didn't want to further upset his grieving parents.  In the beginning, I wasn't thinking straight - about what was best for me.  At about 30 days out, I decided I would protect myself when I needed to.  I'm glad you drew that line partway through the service.  I think there is a way to honor grieving in-laws and also honoring our own well-being.  It's a ridiculously hard balance to keep at the worst possible time to try to keep any kind of balance.  I'm thinking of you.

[Virgo]

I'm sorry you had a horrible day. It is difficult to cope with others grief while you are grieving too.