Author Topic: Forever ended up being a very short time  (Read 1650 times)

sakeraki

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Forever ended up being a very short time
« on: November 21, 2015, 11:30:56 PM »
My wife and I were married for 10 years, dated for 15, and had known her for 21. I could not imagine the world without her, and thought I would never have to. After all we promised to grow old together and forever was supposed to be a long time.

On July forever ended. We were biking together on a trail we knew like the back of our hands, and then out of nowhere a speeder came and hit her. She died on my arms before anything could be done or said. I relieve those sudden, violent last moments every day. I close my eyes and see it.

She was at the core of everything I dreamed of, wanted out of life. Every plan, every vision for the future was shared with her. Now that I exist and she doesn't, nothing motivates me or moves me...not even our children. I live out of duty to them, but I do everything on auto mode.

The world holds no appeal if I can't share it with her. I don't know what to do with myself without my wife. There is no direction to move towards, it is all the same since she won't be there.

Dark Rose

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2015, 11:39:49 PM »
I relate to everything that you have stated. My husband was my purpose, he is everything to me, and always will mean the world to me. I don't understand/ or connect truely with anything around me, it feels like a punishment to have to exist without him. I have no kids, so it's almost as though the life that we had shared is something I dreamed of.  I don't quite recognize the girl I see in the mirror anymore. I am at just over 6 months, and still feel the shock, and relate to the auto pilot. I do the motions, do things to get through the day, but the light, the joy behind things is gone. I feel so lost, and so different from everyone around me. I don't know if i'll ever feel grounded again....I also don't have an internal connect with time.

I am so very sorry for your loss, suddenly losing the loves of our lives brings upon a pain that really can't be described...
Forever incomplete, and broken without you....

SoVerySad

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #2 on: November 22, 2015, 08:30:53 AM »
Tight hugs to you, sakeraki. I am so sorry for the sudden and tragic loss of your wife. I hope you will find a little comfort here among people who understand how devastating the loss of a spouse can be.

More hugs...
Without you, Baby, I'm not me.

Jess

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2015, 09:37:24 AM »
Welcome sakeraki. I'm so sorry you have to be here, but I hope you find the comfort and support I have found with this wonderful group of people. I lost my husband unexpectedly in July 2014. In many ways, I still am looking for that direction, but bit by bit it has started to reveal itself and with time, I hope it will for you as well. I am wishing you peace and comfort.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014

sakeraki

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #4 on: November 22, 2015, 02:55:03 PM »
Thank you for your replies, and yes, it is terrible and fortunate at the same time that we're here.

It seems to me like things are getting progressively worse the more I believe that this is going to be permanent, she's not away or a phone call away. She's really gone. This is really the rest of my life, and I'm not sure I want it.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #5 on: November 22, 2015, 03:19:08 PM »
sakeraki,

I'm sorry to have to welcome you to this club.  The price of admission is way too high, but you have found a band of pretty awesome people.  It is still very early for you and it may not feel less oppressive for awhile.  The time scale in which young widows start to feel like this hell just might be tolerable - it varies from person to person.  I've lived this hell twice and my experiences have been vastly different, but at almost 2 years out now from my second husband's death, I'm feeling like life will be worth living again.  There really isn't much choice for us.  We motor on forward, putting one foot in front of the other (well, at least on most days.)  I hope you can find something that helps you to do just that.  For me, particularly with my second loss, time itself has been what was necessary...time to be angry, time to be anxious, time to reconnect with old friends, time to have long talks with people about what is important in life, time to travel, time to be sad, time to cry, time to just be with my widow friends, where I am most able to just be myself.

I hope you find connections here with people with whom you resonate.  Hang in there.  Sometimes, it is just one day at a time.

Maureen

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Justin

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #6 on: November 22, 2015, 03:25:36 PM »
Welcome sakeraki. I also lost my wife suddenly, but not in a violent way. I'm so sorry that the last memories of your wife have to be in that manner.

When we marry someone, the two truly do become one. Then when one half of that union of taken, what is left is incomplete. It is normal for you to feel unmotivated and directionless, and function on autopilot. Consider it a huge accomplishment that you are able to take care of your children.

Things may start to feel worse, as the shock wears off and you find acceptance. At 16 months out, I still have those "I can't believe she really is gone" moments once in a while - but they no longer send me for the tailspin that they once did. Hang in there, let the grief waves wash over you. I promise that they will get fewer and further between.


This is really the rest of my life, and I'm not sure I want it.

No you don't, at least not in its current form. This is going to be a very intense and painful journey of self-discovery, I won't sugar-coat it. But as you work through things, you will find new paths and you will desire to see where they lead. Embracing change really helped me and my teen daughter. We figured our life's already been blown to hell, so let's create a new one the best that we can. We both realized that as much as it sucked, our lives had changed and there was no going back. Any sort of trying to re-create that would not be genuine and would only further highlight that Marsha was gone. This link about the positive connection between grief and "growing your world" helped me immensely: http://emergencybunny.blogspot.com/2012/01/ball-of-grief.html

Connecting with other widows her has been vital to me. I have received so much help and support from the friends I have made here. Please feel free to post here often, and reach out to others. Time and again, I see that the wids who are managing grief the best are those that put in the grief work and stay in contact with others. I wish you all the best.



Marsha 1975-2014

"Love is the province of the brave"

Jen

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2015, 10:50:43 AM »
So many hugs... I am so, so very sorry. I wish I had better words... the ones you've gotten are excellent, so please, please keep talking. It helps, sometimes more than you realize. We get it, much as we wish we didn't. The major task of widowhood, I think, is to make sense of what life is left, and it is almost unfathomably hard. It's not fair that we have to do this. Hell sucks, but the company is good... and you're not alone.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton

lcoxwell

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2015, 06:34:51 PM »
I am so very, very sorry for the sudden loss of your wife, and in such a violent and horrific way. My husband died peacefully, after a very long battle with terminal illness, so I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it must be to have those memories of her final moments running through your mind, when you close your eyes. What I do know, though, is that there are people here, who can understand what you are going through. I also know what it is like, to feel that there is no reason to live any more, because the one person you loved with all your heart is gone. Please, come here as often as you need. I promise that there will be people, who can encourage you and help you along the way.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.

Prov31cadet

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2015, 07:09:37 PM »
I too am sorry for your loss. I totally understand how you are in auto mode. There are times that I just want to hang out in my bedroom, shut the door, and just let my boys do their own thing. Then I think about what my boys are going through. They have already lost one parent, and need me more now than they did before. That doesn't mean I stop grieving. These holidays are already super hard for me, and I have no desire to decorate or celebrate. I am having some close friends come over this weekend to decorate my house with me for Christmas. For me, I have to surround myself with people or I can see depression setting in. You can do this, but it will take time. I hope you find the support you need. Sending hugs your way. I'll be praying for you, and I mean that!

donswife

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Re: Forever ended up being a very short time
« Reply #10 on: November 23, 2015, 08:07:04 PM »
yes forever should be longer
I am so sorry about losing your wife and you reliving those moments
we all wish we could take all the pain and heart break away
please come here and post whenever you need
take care
My everything