Author Topic: Breaking up is hard to do  (Read 1742 times)


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Breaking up is hard to do
« on: November 17, 2015, 08:31:05 PM »
« Last Edit: November 22, 2015, 10:20:39 PM by thejourney »


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #1 on: November 17, 2015, 08:52:33 PM »
Yes, it is very, very, hard.
So much about what you wrote I completely understand.
While not engaged, I had to do this, last year, September.
The baggage was too much for me. I did end up hurting him very much, but if I continued it, I would have hurt him more.

I don't have any words of wisdom, just understanding.


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #2 on: November 18, 2015, 05:52:26 AM »
Sometimes necessary......yes
 A good decision.....Only you know.

And I do understand the part you said you'd get some flak for.

Onward and forward.


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #3 on: November 18, 2015, 07:45:36 AM »
I can't say I've been in your shoes...but I can try to imagine how difficult this must be.  It sounds as though you really care about her, but your heart and mind know it just isn't right.  I'm sorry you are having to face this.

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #4 on: November 18, 2015, 09:14:25 AM »

Of course it will be a difficult thing for you to do. 

It is very different than widowhood, like you said, this is a choice you will  make.  Becoming a widow was a choice that was made for you. 

I ended a bad second marriage after only 2 years, I just couldn't do it any longer. (You can read my story in past posts if you look...I won't go into it on this thread)  It was all about "him" and quite honestly the "blending of families" were all his way. 

"But she loves you", are you sure?  Or maybe she's in love with the "idea of you".  Do you "love" her?  Or do you love the idea of what a family can be again?  Do you love the "illusion" of what you want her to be or what you envision the blended family to be?  Just some thoughts for you to ponder on.

You will only go into a hole of despair if you allow it.  What can you learn from this to take forward into a better more fulfilling chapter 2? 

Some "Hugs" on your decision, do what your gut and your heart tells you to do.  Marriage is much harder to get out of then breaking the engagement.  If you're not ready, she should understand that if she is truly in love you. 
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #5 on: November 18, 2015, 09:16:26 AM »
Breakups are so painful.  I don't envy your position.  Hopefully knowing you're doing the right thing will give you strength and clarity in the doing and the aftermath.  When I was younger, in movies and books (and real life!) when people who loved each other broke up, I could never get it - "love is all you need" and all that.  Life and people and relationships get so complicated.  It's painful for me, as a romantic - I admit, to see that love cannot fix everything, and parting ways is often the best course.  And as for her devastation - you're not doing her any favors staying with her in a situation that brings her pain and one that you don't want to be in anymore.  I know, wayyyyy easier said than done.  Thoughts are with you.  I'm so sorry.
widowed 2011 (DH 28)


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #6 on: November 18, 2015, 09:59:48 AM »
I can only say you probably have your reasons but a good and true woman is ETREMELY hard to find.
By experience I know now this to be true.


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2015, 10:36:47 AM »
From reading your posts the last few months, I know you've always had some doubts, but at the same time admitted many things about your current relationship were better than with LW. So, I'm sure it must be incredibly confusing and painful sorting out what you should do.

It does seem that your engagement has ramped up those feelings of doubt...seems one of the problems is the pace of the relationship has been too fast for your comfort level- perhaps it is all starting to feel completely out of your control? you've also mentioned problems cropping up that were also issues with LW. I know in my relationship, if anything feels like it might be straying into past problems I had with LH, it can really put me on 'high alert' and I try to address those concerns with him promptly.

Since you are so conflicted, have you considered couples counseling? It might be helpful to have a third party help the two of you sort through all the issues you're having- both within the relationship and within yourselves. Even if it ends with you two breaking up, it might make it easier to deal.

I'm sorry you're having to go through all this turmoil.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2015, 10:43:39 AM by Bunny »
It is a fearful thing to love what Death can touch.


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Re: Breaking up is hard to do
« Reply #8 on: November 19, 2015, 06:54:14 AM »
It's hard and exhausting ending a serious relationship. First off...sorry you are going thru this. Any way you slice it it sucks.

Just from your seems your gut has been telling you something isn't right: That feeling will always be there. Just in my can put it off another year, do counseling...but that inner feeling won't stop speaking to you.

I find it best to always listen to my intuition--...Just my opinion.

Keep calm...and be prepared for some drama: I have a feeling you are going to get it after/during your break up. Please stay strong-don't get brow bested or weighed down with guilt and think it's just easier to stay. --

The calmer you are--the less drama--if you fees into it-even by guilt/feeling will nourish it and it will grow/continue on.
B.W.H. 9/24/2007