Author Topic: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here  (Read 2134 times)


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Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« on: November 24, 2015, 12:49:17 AM »
Hey...just wanted to introduce myself. I lost my husband almost 3 weeks ago; he died unexpectedly at age 31. He got sick with the stomach bug, ended up in the hospital, and had passed 7 hours later. Apparently, the "stomach bug" was undiagnosed diabetes, and he was suffering from DKA. There is a lot that went wrong with how he was treated medically, both that night and in the 6 months prior, so I'm trying to shore up against the long battle that is coming.

I just did this whole thing, this terrible, how will I go on, life altering grief that changes you as a person when my husband and I lost our 3 month old to SIDS not quite 2 years ago. I thought that was the worst I could feel; everyone says losing a child is the worst pain. And it's true; it was terrible, and at the time, I certainly thought I couldn't feel any worse. But this is it. This is worse. When my son died, a dream died; when my husband died, all my dreams died.

I can't believe for the 2nd time in 3 years I have to face Christmas with this devastation. I wonder how my 6 year old will ever grow up to be normal when in her short life she has had to lose a brother and a father. Who does that happen to? What did we do so wrong? If I hear "you are strong" one more time, I will vomit. This isn't strength; this is having no choice, this is the result of the fact that my heart hasn't literally exploded into the million pieces it feels like; this is just bad luck that I'm still getting up in the morning, going about my business.

So yeah...I'm a 37 year old widow who has buried both her son and her husband and is left to take care of her two daughters - 6 and 13 months - without the patient one, the middle of the night waker, the game player. Tonight no tears our left, but I know they'll find me again.


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2015, 01:10:11 AM »
Dear Koryn78,

Welcome to this board.  I am so sorry to read of the loss of both your son and your husband, so eloquently and heartbreakingly stated.  It is beyond bearing.  I do hope you find some comfort here. 

A writer I know slightly writes beautifully and compellingly about the loss of her teen daughter. I know it's not the same, but it may speak to you in some respects.   Take care.


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2015, 07:30:53 AM »
There are no words of comfort that will ever be enough.  Two years ago today I found out my husband was gone from the earth forever and today is just as sharp as that day was.  You don't get over it, I don't think. But in that 2 years, there HAVE been some happy moments, some "proud of myself for getting it done" moments, smiles mix in with the tears.  I want to extend a welcome to the board, though I regret so much you even had reason to be here.  None of us here can say anything that will make anything better but we are here anytime to be a sounding board or a wailing wall.  I don't feel qualified to offer advice because I personally think 2 years later I should be doing better than I am.  But I had to let you know you're being heard and thought about and that my heart goes out to you. 
I can't look at the stars they make me wonder where you are. 
Stars.... up on heaven's boulevard
And if I know you at all
I know you've gone too far
 So I .... I can't look at the stars --Grace Potter


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #3 on: November 24, 2015, 08:09:52 AM »
Hello Koryn78, I am so glad you found us but so sorry you needed to look. When you said "what did we do so wrong?" it struck a chord with me. I spent so much time wondering that about myself as well. We tried to live good lives so why was this his fate? I can understand how two tragedies would really make you wonder that, but I believe the answer to that question for you is the same as it was for me- nothing was done wrong.

I also couldn't stand it when people called me strong. What was strong about being too exhausted to feed myself? What was strong about being too sad to sleep in my own bed and remaining on the couch for months? What was so strong about thinking it wouldn't be so bad if a meteor feel from the sky and crashed into my house ending it all? Nothing. People that use that phrase mean well, they really do, but sometimes it feels like it glosses over the struggle of existence in grief.

That said, you absolutely can keep on surviving, even when the reasons for doing so get muddled. We are all still here and doing this together. Yes, it is an admission price that is far too steep to join this club, but this group of amazing people are such a wonderful support. I hope you find this to be a safe place.
On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good. - Unknown

Don't be concerned about being disloyal to your pain by being joyous. - Hazrat Inayat Khan

Joe: 1979- 7/2014


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #4 on: November 24, 2015, 08:48:17 AM »
Hi, Koryn78,

I'm sorry you had to join our club.  I received membership over 6 years ago, got my life onto a new and wonderful track and then was smacked again when my second husband died unexpectedly in his sleep.  I don't have children and I can't imagine the loss of that new life that you and your husband created together, but I do wish to send you warm hugs and let you know you have found some awesome people here.  And I get the you are so strong line a lot myself. Do we have much choice?

Life is short.  Love with all you've got. 

Barry 11/29/55-9/22/09       John  1/16/57-1/11/14

Empathy  Developer  Responsibility  Adaptability Connectedness


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #5 on: November 24, 2015, 02:39:15 PM »
Welcome. I'm so sorry for your pain.

I, too, have many questions for the "Why?" and "Why me?" So far, I don't have answers. But I do know my faith has helped.

Peace to you and your girls,
You left and forgot to tell my heart how to live without you.


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #6 on: November 24, 2015, 09:42:51 PM »
I am so sorry you and everyone else here has lost their Love, dreams, and future that we wanted with our Love.  It is so unfair to have life ripped away and now standing, beaten but not defeated.  Trying so hard to make sense of something that does not make sense.  What is done is done do not blame yourself, it does not bring them back, it does not solve them leaving, blaming yourself only makes it worse, hurt more.  When you can focus on the good memories.  Cherish those no one can take that away from you. 
I wish all here peace beyond anything you can understand and a friend who will be with you through it all when you need them. 


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #7 on: November 25, 2015, 06:26:36 AM »
I am so sorry for your devastating losses.  You have had a lifetime of pain in a few short years.  I too am sorry we need to welcome you but you will find understanding and support here. 
You will forever be my always.


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #8 on: November 25, 2015, 10:12:20 AM »
Completely sad.  You did nothing wrong.  You stood by his side.

I can only say is to talk to people and please get counseling.  This board is great and there is always someone here to talk to her.

Please take care of yourself.


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #9 on: November 25, 2015, 02:32:37 PM »

I'm so, so sorry. When I read your post, I think immediately of the stages of grief, and how we're all supposed to get to "acceptance" ... but some things are simply unacceptable. There are no words to express how much my heart aches for you. Please keep talking. We're here.
I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other. ~Mary Shelley, Frankenstein

"Dying is easy. Living is hard. ~George Washington, Hamilton


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Re: Another Club I Don't Want to Join - New Here
« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2015, 03:36:09 PM »
I am so sorry that you had a reason to join us. Truthfully, no one wants to join this club, but there are some wonderful people here that I never would have met, otherwise. Sometimes, it is hard not to question why these tragedies have had to occur to us, and not to others, or to wonder what we might have done wrong. In all honesty, I am sure that it is nothing you did wrong. Sadly, life just seems to happen, and death and sorrow are a part of that.

People may try to lift you up, or make you feel better, by saying that there is a reason, or that God wouldn't give you more than you could bear, or by sharing any number of other platitudes. I know it doesn't help to hear it, but people will say it, anyway. I find that, for the most part, people don't mean to be hurtful, when they say that you are strong. Most people genuinely want to help, but have no idea what to say, so they do the best that they can.

One thing I can tell you, if you feel you are too weak to go on, or question whether you can even make it through the day, I can guarantee there are people here, who can relate and understand. The rest of the world may recognize that making it through another day is done out of necessity, rather than strength; but there are people here, who know the truth. Please, feel free to come here, as often as you need. You will always find someone, who is willing to listen and who can empathize, or sympathize.
"The highest tribute to the dead is not grief but gratitude." - Thornton Wilder

Thank you, my dearest Kenneth, for loving me and for giving me the best 13 years of my life.