Author Topic: Love and Logic strategies  (Read 11448 times)

SimiRed

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #30 on: December 10, 2015, 07:26:27 AM »
Rob, never heard the terminology "energy drain"...does it work?  He might just give me the "yeah, right" look.  Since we're new to this area, he hasn't established the kind of friendship when they go over to play, or come here yet. 

Abitlost, Liking the idea of taking the phone til he hits the door to walk down to the bus, I may do that.  The bus was coming as soon as he walked out this morning, so he cuts it close every single time!  If the bus driver is ever one or two minutes early, he's running.  You'd think a part of them would not like the in a hurry all the time.

Sounds like Rebecca is trying with dinner, at least sometimes.  Glad she apologized, it shows she knew she was late. 
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

RobFTC

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #31 on: December 10, 2015, 11:19:24 AM »
Rob, never heard the terminology "energy drain"...does it work?  He might just give me the "yeah, right" look.  Since we're new to this area, he hasn't established the kind of friendship when they go over to play, or come here yet. 

It can.  If you have something that he relies on, making it unavailable with more of a "this is so sad" tone rather than an angry tone can encourage thoughts on his actions and not yours.  Some stuff I have taught the girls to own with this kind of thing.  They tend to ask, "would you be willing to drive me there" instead of saying I have to do it.

Abitlost, Liking the idea of taking the phone til he hits the door to walk down to the bus, I may do that.  The bus was coming as soon as he walked out this morning, so he cuts it close every single time!  If the bus driver is ever one or two minutes early, he's running.  You'd think a part of them would not like the in a hurry all the time.

Another idea from L&L is "no sense both of us worrying about this", i.e. if you're giving reminders, he doesn't have to pay attention to time since you're the ultimate smart clock/calendar.  If you were to stop serving that role, he's got to pick it up.  Of course, you need to work out what happens when he misses the bus - it should be just a little uncomfortable :-)

Sounds like Rebecca is trying with dinner, at least sometimes.  Glad she apologized, it shows she knew she was late.

She did - it was nice.  And I am glad that went down without issues.  She got Spotify Premium back on her birthday yesterday because I've felt less pushback :-)

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

SimiRed

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #32 on: December 11, 2015, 09:02:48 AM »
I really liked what you said about me being his "clock", so, I took your advice this morning.  I will admit, I was biting my nails, biting my tongue and holding my breath, but I did not tell him what time it was.  I did tell him while he was eating breakfast that he has two clocks downstairs and it was time that he become accountable.  Of course he told me that he pays attention to the time and I just annoy him by reminding him of it.

Well, happy dance, he actually made it to the bus.  And I was tortuously ready to drive him to school...

Thanks Rob!  Looking forward to more positive ways to get though these teen years!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Wheelerswife

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #33 on: December 11, 2015, 09:11:22 AM »
SimiRed...next time you have to drive him to school, make sure your hair is a mess, you haven't showered, and you are wearing pajamas and a bathrobe. Get out of the car and kiss him goodbye!

I can picture J right now...the eyeroll and the look that would kill!

(And in all seriousness, I'm not advocating embarrassing anyone's kids or yourselves.  I've met some of these kids and I know what great kids they are.  I just hope that someone cracked a smile at the suggestion!)

Maureen

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RobFTC

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #34 on: December 11, 2015, 01:02:41 PM »
I'm not advocating embarrassing anyone's kids or yourselves.

I advocate embarrassing your kids!  It's one of the best things about being a parent! :-)

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

SimiRed

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #35 on: December 11, 2015, 07:30:06 PM »
Maureen... Next time you visit and he misses the bus, we'll both go in our pajamas and engulf him in girl hugs...ewwwwww!!!

Bwaaahaaaaa, I bet he will never be late again!

Seriously, I think I should just plop some curlers in my hair, that's be a much better look!
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Abitlost

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #36 on: December 12, 2015, 11:25:44 AM »
Negotiators...how do you deal with that? Mine are very logical and argue valid points which I know are good traits but it can be exhausting especially when it's two-on-one; sometimes the answer has to be a non-negotiable "because I said so" in order to stay consistent with "say what you mean and mean what you say". Tips?

abl

trying2breathe

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #37 on: December 12, 2015, 12:41:01 PM »
abl    Ah yes, the expert negotiators.   Both my kids are masters at this, so exasperating!  I find that they detail out the smallest points and want answers to everything.   No big advice to offer for this, although I will say that if I take the time to sit down and really listen, rather than communicate on the fly, things go way better.   My kids feel like they are heard, and I can more easily get my point across.   

My kids have the uncanny ability to try and negotiate at a bad time, probably thinking that they'll have the advantage   8)
if possible I'll postpone the conversation for later. 
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SimiRed

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #38 on: December 13, 2015, 08:56:10 AM »
I agree with trying2breathe, "postpone the conversation".  I found that my son will negotiate for hours, and eventually we give up and give in.  I will just tell him that it's "non-negotiable" at this time.  If your attitude changes, or circumstances change, we can discuss at a later time.  Or, I'll tell him that the conversation is over, since we are not achieving anything and just keep going in circles.  Give him a time-frame, I need a break from this conversation at the moment, we can talk about it again after dinner.
~Tracey~
My wonderful husband Rick of 19 years, 12/11/67 - 9/20/09 Neuroendocrine cancer.
I still miss you everyday, I go forward, but my mind stands still.

Abitlost

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #39 on: December 13, 2015, 01:37:03 PM »
abl    Ah yes, the expert negotiators.   Both my kids are masters at this, so exasperating!  I find that they detail out the smallest points and want answers to everything.   No big advice to offer for this, although I will say that if I take the time to sit down and really listen, rather than communicate on the fly, things go way better.   My kids feel like they are heard, and I can more easily get my point across.   

My kids have the uncanny ability to try and negotiate at a bad time, probably thinking that they'll have the advantage   8)
if possible I'll postpone the conversation for later.

I agree that when I can take the time to have that sit-down talk things go smoother, but at least for me, life as an only-living parent results in the majority of communications on the fly. My youngest has taken to e-mailing me things that require contemplation which is going rather well.

Abitlost

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #40 on: December 13, 2015, 01:41:58 PM »
I agree with trying2breathe, "postpone the conversation".  I found that my son will negotiate for hours, and eventually we give up and give in.  I will just tell him that it's "non-negotiable" at this time.  If your attitude changes, or circumstances change, we can discuss at a later time.  Or, I'll tell him that the conversation is over, since we are not achieving anything and just keep going in circles.  Give him a time-frame, I need a break from this conversation at the moment, we can talk about it again after dinner.

I also get the negotiation for hours, but I never give in lest I encourage more extended sessions. Recently both of them were negotiating the same point and not making any headway so I used my best Mufasa voice to say "I have spoken." That resulted in silence, a rare occurrence. I'm going to have to stock that one for the future!

RobFTC

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #41 on: December 13, 2015, 09:20:27 PM »
I used my best Mufasa voice to say "I have spoken."

Slick - I may have to try that! :-)

So I read a decent bit of "Parenting Teens With Love And Logic" on the plane today (I'm in Austin for a quick work meeting).  I am remembering just why my parenting norms of late are not working, and after the tears, it's a good thing.  Never too late to change.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

Abitlost

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #42 on: December 13, 2015, 10:35:11 PM »
Rob, for those of us who have not yet cracked our books, please share the tidbits that stand out to you!

abl

RobFTC

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #43 on: December 14, 2015, 09:50:13 PM »
I think the best couple of ideas so far:

- your best value to your child is to be a consultant - asking questions and offering advice, but letting kids make lots of decisions (in contrast to helicopter parents who rescue kids from all bad things and drill sergeants who give lots of orders)

- asking the child what they think and how they will decide is a great thing for teens, especially

The book so far has focused on the basics and bent them only slightly towards teens, but it's been a good refresher.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.

RobFTC

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Re: Love and Logic strategies
« Reply #44 on: December 17, 2015, 09:54:11 AM »
Hi folks,

In the spirit of shouting about good things when they happen, a cool thing happened yesterday.  We were talking about their future mates, and I said, "hey, I will try to find good things to like in whoever you bring home, like my parents did and like my sister does all the time."  Rebecca said, "I know, I think I got my 'liking most people' from you."  What?  My tough-ass kid saying something good about me?  You could have knocked me over with a feather! :-)  Maybe this parenting deal is going to work out OK after all!!!

I am 25% through the "Parenting Teens with L&L" now.  I am internalizing some things, but I am going to have to go through the book again while taking notes on areas of particular focus.  I think I have consequences plotted out for Rebecca's late dinners and late showers, but I will offer her a chance at input before just imposing stuff.  I am really liking the consultant model; what's botched it for me recently was that if they didn't make what I thought was the right decision, I would prod them about it.  Gotta stop THAT right now.

Take care,
Rob T
There was something fishy about the butler.  I think he was a Pisces, probably working for scale.