Author Topic: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible  (Read 2015 times)

CherrY

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The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« on: December 06, 2015, 04:26:48 PM »
Hi to all,

It's been a while since I haven't posted. It has been 7 months now that my bf died in a motocycle accident.
I am completely lost and I feel so awful these days because one of Jason's friend has been telling me that he might have cheated on me and basically that he might not have been the perfect bf I (and everyone else) thought he was. Since his death I have told all Jason's friends to lie to me or simply not tell me about it if they new something like that was going on but this peticular a**hole (sorry) apparently doesn't feel concerned with my demand (and my happiness).
And now I can't help but hate my late bf !!! I know this guy often tells lies but I can't take his words off my head. I love Jason so much !! ......but I also want him to come back so I can stab him. I'm so lost and hurt ! He is dead, so now everyone thinks he is/was perfect and I feel so bad for hating him because I love him more than anything.

Has it happened to anyone else ? How can I deal with this ?
Please help me

Wheelerswife

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Re: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« Reply #1 on: December 06, 2015, 04:37:23 PM »
CherrY,

I also found some not-so-positive news about my first husband after he died.  I was incredibly angry at that point in time.  I expended quite a bit of energy with my anger, including rants and pacing around his grave.  I saw a fantastic therapist for a brief period of time because I needed to process what I'd learned with someone who was neutral.  I came to some conclusions.  One, we all have our faults.  Two, there was no good explanation for what he did.  Three, he wasn't here to hash it out with me.  Four, it wasn't all of who he was.  I chose to take him off his pedestal, but to let it all go.  I wanted to remember him for the good man I knew he was. I don't visit the hard place these days.  I remember the good times with him.  There were many, many more good things than bad things.

It sucks to feel betrayed.  On top of this, you don't even know if it is true.  This friend did you no favors by telling you about this. 

If you want to hash this out more with me, feel free to send a PM.

Hugs, sweetie.  You don't deserve more pain.

Maureen
« Last Edit: December 15, 2015, 02:28:07 PM by Wheelerswife »
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Torn

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Re: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« Reply #2 on: December 15, 2015, 12:53:06 PM »
Maureen....

  Your comment & experience is so true, I also heard some not good things after my wife's passing.

  For me it screwed my grieving process I think, well I'll say I often wonder if I would have taken sudden loss different.

    I'm a year & 8 months  into my grieving & want to say there's nothing good to come from the pursuit of this issue,except to make matters harder to understand for you hun.

  My heart goes out to you,because I also felt that dispare.
    I feel like I have to ask the motivation of this "friend" aside from a foolish attempt to downgrade you deceased BF, to possibly gain something from this effort,nothing good could come from this for you.
  Try your best to remember the good times, the rest isn't worth reliving...ToRn
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Oscar Levant

Amor

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Re: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2016, 02:03:29 PM »
Cherry
I am so sorry you are having to deal with both the loss of your love and comments about him that may or may not be true. 
For me all sins are forgiven at death.  Which is a release of hurt for the living.
I hope this helps. 
Amor

Wynne

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Re: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« Reply #4 on: February 09, 2016, 11:59:28 AM »
That is so hard.  I'm sorry you are going through it.  You say that the person this came from often lies.  Since there is no way for you to know what really happened I would try to choose not to believe him.  I know its much harder said than done.  My husband made a lot of poor choices.  I sometimes feel betrayed, but I can't help but love him anyway and try to focus on the good things.
Courage, dear heart   ~C.S. Lewis

gracelet

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Re: The one I can't hate without feeling horrible
« Reply #5 on: February 17, 2016, 10:27:42 AM »
CherrY, you might find it helpful to read something I wrote a while back about the anger I have felt at my wife.

http://eerilycheerily.com/2015/02/27/get-off-the-pedestal-youre-a-fucking-bitch-wife/

She was not perfect. She cheated. She lied. I loved her. When I see her in heaven, the first thing she's getting is a slap but then hundreds of kisses.

I don't feel the way I did when I wrote that post anymore. I found ways to deal with the anger. The throwing ice cubes trick is hugely therapeutic! Give it a try. I focus on me and making MY life matter now.

You're not alone.
Musings of this sarcastic but upbeat young widow can be read here : www.eerilycheerily.com